Well apparently there is going to be a Hollywood remake of the great DamBusters film at some point. I must admit that a small part of me is going to appreciate another take at a great story, but most of me is full of nausea-laden dread at the impending bastardization of a classic. The following is a compilation of some of the marketing screw-ups and nightmares of political correctness that may unfold if "Hollywood" is allowed to run roughshod over one of the greatest tales of the Second World War.

• All the Germans speak English with a thick German accent. The exception is when the German yell the terms "Achtung!" "Schnell!" or "Nein!" Proper German is also permitted when the German is in his/her death throes; gurgling blood, falling to their death, etc.
• Wing Commander Gibson's black Labrador Retriever originally named "Nigger" is now a cute white beagle named "Freedom." The code word for the successful attack on the Mohne damn is also changed from "nigger" to "freedom."
• One of the DamBusters begins the film as a closeted gay. After the raid, he 'comes out' and his comrades accept him with open arms.
• All Germans wear bright red swastika armbands, with no exceptions. This includes all soldiers, airmen and civilian old men and babies.
• The Lancaster bombers are crewed by a rainbow of races from all over the world. This includes several black, Arabs and Asian airmen. For example Gibson's navigator is a Guatemalan named "Diego".
• George Bush & Dick Cheney are pilot and co-pilot of a Lanc. After bombing their damn, they continue to the Alps and bomb the glaciers because they are the original source of all that water. They machine gun a few of the puffier clouds on the way back as well.
• None of the airmen ever use, come close to or even speak of a brothel.
• Every crew member in the Lancs are iron faced, rippled low-carb men, and they often walk around base with no shirt on, and occasionally fly missions topless as well.
• Gary Coleman is in the film.
• All the Germans have mp40 smgs, with no exceptions. This includes all soldiers, airmen and civilian old men and babies.
• In a dramatic scene the Lancaster crews come together in the barracks and engage in a morose discussion on how despite the fact the dams are military targets, they might kill many civilians, so they will now be war criminals. The men accept their lot and accept that they should be considered similarly as the men who run concentration camps.
• Eddie Murphy is in the film, he plays an entire Lanc crew by himself, each one in fat suits.
• All the German constantly greet each other with screaming "Heil Hitler!" salutes with no exceptions. This includes all soldiers, airmen and civilian old men and babies.
• In all scenes set in Germany, swastikas will be placed everywhere there is free space. This includes massive red swastikas emblazoned across the span of each dam.
• Jackie Chan is in the film.
• Michael Moore stars in a short section as a war correspondent fighting against an unjust war. His character is killed shortly afterward when he mistakes a Teller mine for a loo, it takes three trips to the bathroom to finish the job.
• In a dramatic love tringle. Gibson & Trevor-Roper both fall in love with the same woman, respectively. The lady ends up loving Trevor-Roper more than Gibson and gets pregnant with Trevor-Roper's child when Gibson goes temporarily MIA. Eventually Gibson returns, and then when Trevor-Roper is actually KIA, Gibson decides to marry the lady and raise the bastard child as his own.
• All the Germans have short cropped hair, with no exceptions. This includes all soldiers, airmen and civilian old men and babies. This spawns years of debate on internet message boards about the directors racism against the German people, expressed via coiffage.
• The phrase "Die Nazi!" is used a record 256 times. Otto starts the "Die Nazi Project"
• No German ever smiles, unless it is at the prospect of taking innocent lives.
• One Lancaster, "K for Kosher" is crewed entirely by jews.

Just my 2 cents.

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