These two are from Haaretz (the Israeli paper, 1935)

Hitler once went to a magician-fortune teller and asked her to tell him what would happen at the end of his life.
Fortune teller: Am I allowed to tell you everything?
Hitler: Yes, on the contrary, tell me everything without any fear.
Fortune teller: I see that you will die on the eve of big Jewish holiday.
Hitler: If so, I'll cancel all of the Jews' festivals and holidays.
Fortune teller: Even so, the day after your death will be a big Jewish holiday.

A soldier from the SA assaulted a passerby on a Berlin street and repeatedly struck him with deadly blows. The victim started shouting: "Murder! Beating! Help!" A guard approached him and said: "I ask you not to talk too loudly about politics!"




Hitler and Goering were arguing about the Jews, Goering stating that they were quite clever people and Hitler vehemently denying they were any such thing. Finally Goering told Hitler that they should go out in the city and Goering would show Hitler it was true. Hitler agreed, so they disguised themselves and went out on the street. Goering took Hitler into a shop, went up to the counter, and asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared at Goering for a moment and then said no, mein herr, I do not.
The two left with Hitler complaining that he did not understand what the point of this was and Goering telling him to be patient. They went to another shop and Goering gave the same act: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?" The clerk stared and shrugged his shoulders.
They left with Hitler becoming incensed over this nonsense and Goering begging for patience. Finally they went into a Jewish shop; Goering again asked the clerk: "Do you have any left-handed teacups?"
The clerk smiled graciously, went into the back room and made a show of rummaging around, brought out a saucer and teacup, set down the saucer, and carefully placed the cup with the handle pointed so Goering could pick it with his left hand. "There you are, mein herr!" the clerk said.
Goering bought the teacup, thanked the clerk, and the two men left. Goering turned to Hitler and said: "See, I told you the Jews were very clever people." "I don't see what was so clever about that," Hitler snapped. "He just happened to have one in stock!"

__________________

Those farting tank drivers

To be respected within the fraternity of the tank drivers, a man had to master, more or less, the tank driver´s fart. Whenever drivers get together in good times, they would sooner or later, stage a special kind of contest- a tank driver´s farting contest.

Preparation for a good Panzer driver´s fart required the kind of food and drink that were guaranteed to generate the required flatus. Well prepared nutritionally, each contestant would be seated on a chair-at the tank driving school he would sit on a standard four-legged stool- and extend his legs so that his heels rested, ahead of him, on the floor.

When his turn came, each man would, next, pretend to depress the clutch pedal with his left foot, and, letting a short fart, move hir right arm and hand in imitation of shifting from neutral into first gear, thereafter releasing the pressure on the clutch pedal. Without-and this was one of the strict rules, waiting, he would, after using his right foot press his imaginary gas pedal for the imaginary acceleration of his imaginary training Panzer Ia, repeat his declutch-fart-shift-clutch series in going from first gear to second gear, and so forth, his aim being to go into fifth gear without-another rule-missing a fart or a motion.

The traditional Panzer driver´s fart required the visualization of exactly six forward gears, as found in the transmission of the good, old Pz IV, which, incidentally, also had one reverse gear. The Pz V ( Panther ) had seven forward gears and one reverse gear. The Pz VI (Tiger) eight forward gears and four reverse gears. Connoisseurs awarded extra points to contestants whose hand movements reflected the panzer IV´s double-H shift pattern for forward gears.

Tank drivers able to fart their way into sixth gear demonstrated that their food was adequate-perhaps a bit better than that- and that they weren´t being taxed too much. The soldier´s saying " Whoever has nothing to bite also has nothing to shit" could, as far as the Panzer driver´s fart was concerned, have been rewritten to read " Whoever has much to bite also has much to shit."


-----------

Oops! No fun being a Tiger tank driver there....

__________________

When a battered RAF Fighter Command returned from France in 1940, one of its pilots was asked, "What's next?" He replied: "We're in the finals now, but we have the Germans on our own home field!"

__________________

Sounds like when a civvy asked our Colonel how things were going in Iraq, he brushed it off with the phrase 'excellent, we are two nil up, minutes to play.'

__________________
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.

One I heard from an old French 2eDB vet many years ago during a summer visit to France in 1988 -

At the invitation of General de Gaulle, FDR decides to go visit Paris soon after the city's liberation. General de Gaulle decides to give him a personal tour. As they apporach the Arc de Triomphe, FDR asks,
"What is that?" to which G. de Gaulle replies,
"That is the Arc of Triumph"
"How long did it take to build it?" asks FDR. Gen. de Gaulle replies, "Many years, Mr. President."
FDR shrugs his shoulders and says "Bah!! We could have built it in 3 years!".

A vexed de Gaulle frowns a bit but does not reply. They then drive past the huge cathedral of Notre Dame de Paris. Again, FDR asks,
"What is that?", to which Gen. de Gaulle replies,
"That, Mr. President, is the Notre Dame of Paris Cathedral"
"How long did it take to build?" asks FDR. As before, Gen. de Gaulle answers, "Many hundreds of years, Mr. President."
FDR shrugs his shoulders and says "BAH!! We could have built that in less than 7 years!!".

At this point, Gen. de Gaulle is becoming angry, and wondering if he should have ever invited FDR to Paris in the first place. He decides he will no longer put up with FDR's arrogant attitude. Then, their car approaches the most famous icon of Paris, and of France -The Eiffel Tower.
FDR looks up at the tall imposing structure and asks,
"What is THAT??" and again Gen. de Gaulle replies, "That, Monsieur le President, is the Eiffel Tower!"
As predicted, FDR demands to know, "How long did it take to build?" This time, it is General de Gaulle who shrug his shoulders and says,

"I have no idea, it wasn't there this morning."

Omar Bradley

Though legendary World War II general Omar Bradley, a 'common soldier's general,' enjoyed the company of regular GIs, his high-level relations were often strained. Bradley had animated disagreements with George S. Patton, Bernard Law Montgomery, and Douglas MacArthur (who he once bluntly accused of having "an obsession for self-glorification"). President Roosevelt also disliked him, albeit for a less substantial reason. Bradley, he once explained, refused to laugh at any of his jokes.

Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

__________________

Soviets listening to Panzer radio messages and interfering:

" Not many days before, it had happened that one Pz IV crew commander had hinted at his enjoying Zigarren. A voice with a decidedly Russian accent had butted in, and said " We are bringing cigars!". Their own brand, no doubt!"

From Panzer Gunner by Bruno Friesen

__________________

Finnish propaganda song WW2

YouTube - Njet Molotoff

__________________

Ooppss!

A German plane crashed off the shore of England.

An old fisherman rows out to the wreckage, but returns empty handed.

"Weren't there any survivors?" he was asked.

"Well," he responded, "one of them said they survived, but you know what liars those Germans are!"

---------

A very clever joke during war time....

BBC - WW2 People's War - PoW band's musical joke on their German captors

This is a photo of him in the was taken in 1942 and shows Harold Hastings and his Band at the Stammlager XXID prisoner of war camp in Poznan, Poland.

There is a banner across the front with some music notes on it. Dad said it was the biggest joke in the camp and the Germans never figured it out - it was the music to the song 'There'll Always Be An England'.

__________________

__________________
Happy Trails,
Clint.

NICE AVATAR DUDE!

Hey! lovely jokes

I myself worked for a Henry Kaiser company, Kaiser Engineers and Constructors, but after a bit it was gobbled by another outfit, ICF (Inner City Fund), this one launched by Tuskegee Airmen veterans

__________________

After the war, Aimo Lahti the Finnish gun designer ( who had created the Suomi MG ), was being questioned by General Zhdanov in Hotel Torni in Helsinki. The guards had Suomi MG´s. Lahti asked Zhdanov " Why don´t you trust your own weapons then?"

__________________

Göring again ( during BoB ):

After August 18 the numbers of Zerstörer planes were getting very low. Nevertheless, Göring insisted that operations be continued, and decided to send them even deeper into the lion´s den.

His one edict that, in order to instil a keener sense of aggression, the well-known defensive circle manoeuvre should instead be termed an "offensive circle", was received by the crews in something akin to stunned silence!

Me Bf 110 Zerstörer aces of WW2 by John Weal

__________________

Frank Update

During the early days of friendship between the United States and the Soviet Union, FDR is alleged to have placed a call to Joseph Stalin. Having passed through a host of operators, a connection was finally made: "Hello, Joe?" Roosevelt began. "It's Frank. Giants three, Dodgers nothing."

Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

__________________

"Russian foreign minister Molotov coined a word during a session with British and American representatives. Observing the way they indicated approval by nodding and saying 'Okay,' Molotov to indicate disapproval shook his head from side to side and declared 'Nokay.'"

Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

__________________

At the close of World War II, generals Dwight Eisenhower and Douglas MacArthur were both considered prospective presidential candidates. When MacArthur indeed ran as the dark horse in 1944, his first wife was asked to assess his chances of victory. "It depends," she wryly replied, "which end you look at."

Anecdotage.Com - Thousands of true funny stories about famous people. Anecdotes from Gates to Yeats

__________________

Peter Ustinov: Tanks

"In January 1942, I received my call-up papers," Peter Ustinov once recalled. "At my selection board interview, I was asked if I had any preferences as to the arm I wished to serve in. I told the officer I was interested in tanks. His eyes blazed with enthusiasm. 'Why tanks?' he asked keenly. I rep