Some aeroplane jokes:
Conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear.
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While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
The ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't
I married to you once?"
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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (do a complete circle), a move normally used to provide
spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you
know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this
airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway,if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101
and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
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Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."
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A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because old boy you lost
the bloody war!
[img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img] [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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Australian jokes....sorry guys!
From the Australian Bureau of Statistics:
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new
shirts.
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalextric cars...........and...finally:
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep(passing
out) while throwing up into the toilet.
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Heaps of useful info
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And........................................... Turtles can breathe through their bums.
