joke of the day..

Getting back to what are offshoots of "Murphy's Laws", here are a few of my favorite "truisms" :

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
Junk is something you throw away almost exactly three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a housewife and mother who can get through a rainy Saturday with the television on the blink.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

 

It's the thought that counts though, right? Haha

xD Best one, only because it's true.

 

I avoid off color... but an exception here:
Robot Detector

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son where were you today?"
son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!
""What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs "Ha Ha Ha! Chip off the old block! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom.

 

Baby seal walks into a club........

 

LOL Immediately springs to mind the scene from "Megamind" where he and Metro Man are exchanging shots in a battle of wits (via video connection)...Mega Man says something witty (har), Megamind responds with "ooooh, I'm shaking in my custom baby-seal leather boots!" Then points to the boots in question.


...they did look comfortable, though, ya gotta admit!

 

For all of us sci-fi nerds out there...

View attachment 14667

Hmmmm...flying car, or genocidal toaster?

 

Todays Joke...."BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING DEBTS"

Greeks want 'Fund Money' to pay their debts.

Somebody should make them pay their way by either selling off all their antiquities or leaving everyone with no cash for a year. The Greeks have been living the high life on other peoples money for a long time now. Faced with the truth about their dire financial situation, they don't want to pay for this themselves, but are quite happy to send everybody else into recession to guarantee their free and easy lifestyle.

What a very unfunny joke.

The global economy is a shambolic exercise in not caring a **** about your owns debts, whilst not wanting to pay for all the parties you've already hosted.

Stuff the global economy. We, in Australia, should simply close our doors and only trade with New Zealand and Papua New Guinea. We have enough resources to last several dozen civilizations, and can then manufacture any damn thing we want to right here.

 

The Wildcat - August 11, 1945.

Links to all available Wildcat News from 1945

 

I'm posting this in the "jokes" section, even though the video clips aren't really "jokes" in and of themselves. But, that said it is sort of hard not to smile a little when you watch these guys loose their balance on the moon, fall down, and struggle to get back on their pins. And I sort of agree with the sub-paragraph by PopSci editor some of them should be accompanied by a "cartoony BONK" sound.

Goto:

http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2011-11/video-astronauts-falling-down-and-finding-it-difficult-get-moon

 

This is a cute one about "Life Lessons",

Goto:

Funny Test Answer: One Kid Learns An Important Life Lesson (PHOTO)

 

LOL

 

Got this one from a Army friend on facebook. Everything below is what he typed.

Once upon a time three Army Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: "Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river!"
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times. BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: "Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!" *pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: "Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!" *pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff* The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Gotta love officers

 

I meant to post this little story about Halloween time, but it slipped my mind. A senior moment without doubt. This is a joke my Dad told me when I was younger, and long before Trick or Treat became a challenge for parents worried about razors in fruit, or laxative in candy. Back when you could trust what got dropped in you "goodie bag". Here goes:

Two adorable youngsters, probably brother and sister, the little girl dressed as a fairy princess, the little boy in a Prince Charming get-up come to the door of an elderly woman who is giving out apples rather than candy since she doesn't want to contribute to the kids dental problems. Anyway, she opens up the door and clasps her hands together and exclaims; " What adorable little children, aren't you cute! Who made those lovely costumes for you?"

They answer that they were put together by their mother and hold out their bags chiming up with; "Trick or Treat!" She drops a big shinny red apple into each bag, the little ones look in the bags, look at each other, and the little girl breaks into tears!

When the woman asks what is wrong, the Prince glares up at her and spouts out; "You dumb sh*t, you just broke all our f**king cookies!" So much for sweetness and light.

 

3 men apply for a job with the CIA.

The 1st recruit comes in and the CIA agent said... You want to be a CIA Agent ?? Here's a gun, go into that room and shoot your wife... The recruit says NO ! I love my wife ! The agent states I understand, this job is not for everyone...

The 2nd recruit comes in and the agent tells him... You want to be a CIA Agent ?? Here's a gun, go into that room and shoot your wife... The 2nd recruit takes the gun, enters the room, but comes out after a few minutes saying, I can't shoot my wife I love my wife ! The agent states I understand, this job is not for everyone...

The 3rd recruit comes in and the agent tells him you want to be a CIA Agent ?? Go into that room and shoot your wife... The 3rd recruit takes the gun and enters the room. Nothing happens for awhile then all of a sudden there is a lot of noise. There was a terrific fight !! Tables and chairs being broken, glass flying around....The 3rd recruit comes out of the room all torn up and looking a mess... The agent asks the 3rd recruit, what happened ?? The 3rd recruit said...

Some dummy forgot to load a bullet in this gun so I had to strangle her !!!

 

Not really a joke...more like "justice"....but still, ya just gotta laugh picturing the cop who got to write that "report":

View attachment 14955

 

Lol, thats the funniest joke i have ever read.