Humor, the Best Medicine

Stolen shamelessly from another forum....



These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

Q: What do seamonsters eat?
A: Fish and ships.

 

How to stay thin :lol:
http://www.skrattbloggen.se/?p=245

 

Times When the F-word Was Appropriate

People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to refer to it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"Where the F' are we?"-Amelia Earhart, 1937
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton



The Jewish Vote

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."


Legless Poodle

What do you call a poodle with no legs?

A spoonge.


One-Armed Man

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him


Mafia Christmas

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

How Many Blonde Jokes...

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories

 

Ah, it takes 12 beers, not 11. Thanks for the update

 

Don't know about weight loss, but after twelve beers don't ALL women look as attractive as the woman in the video?

 

After enough beers.....................they all do!

 

Another reason not to drink, I prefer seeing good looking women.

 

Stix, that problem is solved very easely. Let women drink their 12 beers and you just have to drink a cola, or water or other non alcoholic drinks

 

humour

Well if you just want a pretty face........................!
and don't mind the beer! :roll:

 

Merlin, please please for the love of all that is not 100% corrupted in all worlds, put up a clear warning when you're about to post such things.
As if my cat didn't have enough to talk about with its therapist.

 

What was the subject?

Mix for Stix, take your Pix, better make it Quix before it's Delixed!

 

This is our former prime minister

http://youtube.com/watch?v=z5ikNGHMMf4

 

I love their disclaimer at the end...

Still, if getting drunk is the way to stay thin, use stronger stuff than beer - it has the same effect, but faster, and you won't have to go to the bathroom so often!

 

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy or a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?

Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?

Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?

Arab : both male and Female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........isn ' t it hostile?

Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh..........dear!

Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast

 

you are sasking for a fathwa

 

This is why men don't write advice columns!

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Suzy Fox


Dear Suzy,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.


I hope this helps.

Ted

 

here's wikipedia's latest information about Belgium.
Every single word is true
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Belgium

 

Re: What was the subject?

Not a bad lot, but I much prefer my wife.