A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN​

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II​

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, common-wealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to deter-mine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf and their spell-checker will be adjusted.
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears re-moved with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
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15. I look forward enthusiastically to being your new monarch and spending time my 55,000 square foot castle at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20006. Castle tour tickets will be priced at 10 pounds per commoner. Lobbyists and Wall Street moguls will be personae non grata.

God Save the Queen!

[SIZE=18pt]Elizabeth II[/SIZE]

 

Can't see a problem with that.
God Bless Her Majesty!

 

Welcome back...

 

KTK

 

Who is the crazy old lady that sent us the letter? Sorry Ma'am, but I have a mother, don't need some lady that fancies herself a Queen mother. We don't like our options for President this go round either, unfortunately from where I sit, your politicians don't seem too spectacular either. Proclaim all you'd like we don't want any.

 

Queen Elizabeth II?

Isn't that the zombie that the British, for some odd unknown reason, feel the need to worship? Some kind of Zombie cult.
You would think that if they were going the occult worshipping route, they would have chosen something worthy of worship....Cthulu for instance.

But, I guess living on an island where it rains all the time will do that to you.

 

Rule 9 deserves consideration.

 

Heathens...

 

As if we are not trying hard enough to rid ourselves of the Scottish parasites. The Americans usually end up with the President they deserve. I am happy to focus my attention to issues across the English Chanel where swarms of illegals are trying to enter the UK and leave issues across the Pond to those who live there.

Brian

 

It's a hoax! Freddy Mercury has been dead for years.

 

Well I guess its time to send the navy out to burn lobsterback cities again.

 

Come on over, we need someone to sort our EU and Immigration issues.We are also short of good comedy on TV so your Presidential debates would be most welcome.

Brian

 

Just wait until they fire their fluorescent peas on you. You wouldn't resist long. And if needed they'll finish you off with a rotten haggish thrown on the deck of your ships.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu6YFBQOB3c

 

A great show here too .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8k2AbqTBxao

 

With all due respect to my Canadian brother, Kenny- rule 1, 3, 5 and 7 should read: "No poofters".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L220PFMkunI