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Humor, the Best Medicine

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by scaramouche, Feb 3, 2005.

  1. hahnficken

    hahnficken New Member

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    Stolen shamelessly from another forum....



    These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

    Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

    Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    :grin:
     
  2. Notmi

    Notmi New Member

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    Q: What do seamonsters eat?
    A: Fish and ships.
     
  3. Notmi

    Notmi New Member

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  4. BMG phpbb3

    BMG phpbb3 New Member

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    Times When the F-word Was Appropriate

    People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to refer to it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

    "What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
    "Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
    Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
    "It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
    "How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
    "You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
    "I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
    "Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
    "Where the F' are we?"-Amelia Earhart, 1937
    "Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton



    The Jewish Vote

    I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
    He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."


    Legless Poodle

    What do you call a poodle with no legs?

    A spoonge.


    One-Armed Man

    Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

    A: wave at him


    Mafia Christmas

    A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
    He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

    He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

    How Many Blonde Jokes...

    Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
    A: One. The rest are all true stories
     
  5. Quillin

    Quillin New Member

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  6. Oli

    Oli New Member

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    Don't know about weight loss, but after twelve beers don't ALL women look as attractive as the woman in the video?
     
  7. David.W

    David.W Active Member

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    After enough beers.....................they all do! :wink: :)
     
  8. Stix

    Stix New Member

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    Another reason not to drink, I prefer seeing good looking women.
     
  9. Quillin

    Quillin New Member

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    Stix, that problem is solved very easely. Let women drink their 12 beers and you just have to drink a cola, or water or other non alcoholic drinks :p
     
  10. merlin phpbb3

    merlin phpbb3 New Member

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    humour

    Well if you just want a pretty face........................!
    and don't mind the beer! :roll:
     
  11. Stix

    Stix New Member

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    Merlin, please please for the love of all that is not 100% corrupted in all worlds, put up a clear warning when you're about to post such things.
    As if my cat didn't have enough to talk about with its therapist.
     
  12. merlin phpbb3

    merlin phpbb3 New Member

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    What was the subject?

    Mix for Stix, take your Pix, better make it Quix before it's Delixed!
     
  13. Canadian_Super_Patriot

    Canadian_Super_Patriot recruit

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  14. Roel

    Roel New Member

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    I love their disclaimer at the end...

    Still, if getting drunk is the way to stay thin, use stronger stuff than beer - it has the same effect, but faster, and you won't have to go to the bathroom so often! :grin:
     
  15. smeghead phpbb3

    smeghead phpbb3 New Member

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    An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy or a U.S.A. Visa.

    Consul : What is your name?

    Arab: Abdul Aziz

    Consul: Sex?

    Arab : Six to ten times a week

    Consul: I mean, male or female?

    Arab : both male and Female and sometimes even camels

    Consul: Holy cow!

    Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

    Consul: Man,........isn ' t it hostile?

    Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

    Consul: Oh..........dear!

    Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast

    :D
     
  16. JCalhoun

    JCalhoun New Member

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    :p
     
  17. Quillin

    Quillin New Member

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    you are sasking for a fathwa :p
     
  18. JCalhoun

    JCalhoun New Member

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    This is why men don't write advice columns!

    Dear Ted,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

    I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

    When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
    anymore.

    Can you please help?
    Sincerely,
    Suzy Fox


    Dear Suzy,

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.


    I hope this helps.

    Ted
     
  19. Quillin

    Quillin New Member

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  20. corpcasselbury

    corpcasselbury New Member

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    Re: What was the subject?

    Not a bad lot, but I much prefer my wife.
     

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