joke of the day..

Go home Pal, you're drunk !

http://i.imgur.com/MPYRQ.jpg

 

I know more old drunks than old doctors.

 

Since the "pot" thread was closed, appropriately I believe I will post this here since it is still funny.

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!

 

LOL

 

For all of our Canadian Rogues!

WINTER POEM:
It's winter in Canada !
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm froze to the friggin' ground!

​

 

There should be a big market here...

Bug A Salt

[video=youtube;-oYl-Lm9a6U]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oYl-Lm9a6U[/video]

 

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!

 

PS: our Sister Forum has an awesome good thread too!
See: http://www.ww2talk.com/forum/barracks/17654-how-can-we-not-have-jokes-thread.html
_____________________

From: Political Jokes - Political Joke Gallery - Funny Jokes

"Sleeper" Space Aliens

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.

 

Me at midnight when no one wanted to kiss me:

 

Hey! I resemble that remark!

 

THINGS TO PONDER.......

If a man speaks in the desert where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy.

The boss thought "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman" so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's.
The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99.
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99.
Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says:
"Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

 

I had to smile at The Metro's headline:

HORSES FOR MAIN COURSES




Following the revelation that some supermarket burgers contain traces of horse meat the internet has been awash with wags making comments.
We're chomping at the bit to share this.

1. What type of bread is used for Tesco burgers? Thoroughbred

2. What do you get if you cross a cow, a horse, a pig and a sheep? A Tesco quarter pounder.

3. I’m glad I don’t buy my beefburgers from Tesco but I’m now having seconds thoughts about this saddle of lamb.

4. I don’t know what all the fuss is about horse meat being found in burgers. We’ve been eating Birds Eyes Fish Fingers and Head Cheese for years.

5. I always thought Tesco burgers tasted foal.

6. Tesco are being taken to court for false advertising. The head of Tesco has promised to tell the hoof, the whole hoof and nothing but the hoof.

7. Health Officials have said that the Tesco burgers pose no health risk, except for the high sugar lump content.

8. A supermarket burger walks into a bar. Barman: “why the long face?"

9. Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes.

10. I’m taking the wife out for a slap-up meal at Tesco's tomorrow night. Yep, gonna equine and dine her!

11. Tesco burgers don’t make very good main meals but they are excellent for horse d’oeuvres.

12. Tesco’s burgers are the tastiest according to a Gallup poll.

13. I hope this Tesco horse meat fiasco doesn’t last furlong.

14. Tesco to rename multipack of burgers “50 slabs of neigh”….

15. Tesco’s veggie burgers are being tested for traces of unicorn.

16. A woman was sent to hospital after eating a Tesco burger. Her condition is said to be stable.

17. Poll Is eating horsemeat really that bad? Let’s put it to the vote. All those in favour say ‘aye’, all those against say ‘neigh’.’

18. The police are investigating because they suspect foal play. They sent in a secret haygent to investigate the matter further.
The police are doing door to door enquiries. They will soon have covered the whole Neigh-bourhood.
- This would have never have happened in Tesco's hay day.

19. I could not sleep well last night thinking about the poor horses. I had night mares all night.

20. Whatever Tesco's tries to do to make people want to buy their value range again, I think they'll find they are just flogging a dead horse.

21. I bet Tesco hates being saddled with this story. Their PR agency must be bridling too. They'll just have to get the bit between their teeth.

22. All Tesco burgers should be cooked medium mare.

23. If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob.

24. Did I just hear you ordering Filly Mignon?

25. Tescos, Everything you want from a store and a little bit mare.

26. Trying to sell these Tesco's burgers now will be like flogging a dead horse.

27. I had to go to the the dentists after eating one. I had a bit between my teeth.

28. Whoa... easy with the horseradish

29. After dinner I had the trots.

30. Apparently Tesco's future is unstable. Tesco expects its stock to trade down this morning, but not furlong.

NOTE:
Tesco denies reports of horsemeat in their seafood, stating that "mule marineire" was a spelling mistake,
- but it is true one of their butchers was sent home sick as he was feeling a little hoarse.


​

 

The fortune teller:

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

(For some crazy reason, wives tend to like this joke!)