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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", Johnny goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

    Johnny: ‘Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject’?

    Professor: ‘Surely I must, otherwise I would not be a professor’!

    Johnny: ‘Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
    If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.
    If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam’.

    Professor: ‘Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question’?

    Johnny: ‘What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal’?

    Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give Johnny an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

    Still puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.

    Sihle immediately answers, "Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
    Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
    The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical."

    The professor fainted.
     
  2. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    To catch a Leprechaun:

    [​IMG]
     
  3. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]


    [​IMG]


    [​IMG]
     
  4. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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  5. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    You didn't see the punch line here coming, did you?

    Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

    THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

    NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

    SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

    THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

    THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
     
  6. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    What is the difference between English victories and French defeats? None, they are both extremely rare. ;)
     
  8. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Oh you b..... Tote...And I thought we had handed the force over to you little one....Wrong is what you are Jedi...
     
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  9. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    SMART ASS ANSWER #6
    It was mealtime during an airline flight.
    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
    'What are my choices?' John asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #5
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

    SMART ASS ANSWER #4
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

    SMART ASS ANSWER #3
    The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. '
    I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

    The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #2
    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
    Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it.
    Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally a police car comes up.
    The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
    The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

    SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
    A College Professor reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
    'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

    A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
    'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
    When silence was restored, the Professor smiled knowingly at the Uni Student, shook her head and sweetly said,
    'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

    A BONUS EXTRA
    A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'
     
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  10. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    That David Mitchell and Robert Webb Look: Series 3 - from BBC Two

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THNPmhBl-8I
     
  11. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
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  12. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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  13. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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  14. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Not sure if you all have seen the interview with the neighbor who rescued the 3 women in Ohio.
    If not, here is the original and its full of internet comedy gold.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=axCn04iXkBg

    So someone took that, autotuned it and made a catchy song. ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=nZcRU0Op5P4
     
  16. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    A guy walks into his back yard, and looking over their fence he sees his neighbor digging a hole under one of his trees.

    When he asks what the hole is for, he is informed that it is to be the final resting place of his daughter's pet gold fish.

    "Ah he says, it is sad when a family pet passes on. But isn't that a rather big hole for a gold fish?"

    In reply the neighbor stops digging, leans on the shovel and says; "...it would be too big a hole if the fish wasn't inside your damned cat!"
     
  17. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    I don't get it...
     

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  18. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Bit like now...uuuuse...can't leave in a Bronx Tale...You skip the narrative....Like Scots do...and get on with the beating....
     
  19. brndirt1

    brndirt1 Saddle Tramp

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    This next is a verbal description of a cartoon from Playboy early 2000s.

    Two young men are sitting in a musty attic, one is holding a centerfold open, and the other one comments; "Hair styles change, fashion changes, music changes, what is popular in movies and video games change over the years. But one thing from Dad's old Playboys that never change is that a any pretty girl with her clothes off is always worth looking at."
     
  20. Biak

    Biak Adjutant Patron  

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    The importance of Walking

    1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life... This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

    2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60... Now he's 97 years old and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

    3/ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
    before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

    6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound......apparently you have to actually go there.

    7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise'
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

    10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

    11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years.......just getting over the hill was enough.
     

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