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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  2. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Why English Teachers Retire Early

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

    These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

    Here are last year's winners.....

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
    speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

    18 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20 The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
     
  4. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
    Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
    He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

    Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
     
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  6. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Look at the dot in the center and move your head in and out

    [​IMG]
     
  8. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Life Explained:

    [​IMG]
     
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  9. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Ahhh... maybe its Dawins theory working!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R5k1tbKtVU
     
  10. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in the Paris airport.
    "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
    "German," she replies.
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just here for a few days."
     
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  11. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Perchance repeating myself here...

    "French Immersion? I am all for it, in fact I think it's WONDERFUL. I just wish they would hold them under a little longer!"
    - Anonymous 4 a reason. [​IMG]

    An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman

    Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

    The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

    With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

    The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

    The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

    The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
    The Englishman says, "Fill it up with liquid human sewage." [​IMG]
     
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  12. Tamino

    Tamino Doc - The Deplorable

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  13. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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  14. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    View attachment 18939 Made me laugh anyway....

    Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you...Major Dick Head...
     

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  15. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    A yank with a sense of humour sent me this...I know..I know...a yank with a sense of humour....




    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*. I called mine *sex*. Now sex has been very embarrassing to me when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex. I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex he said. "I would like to have one too!". Then I said, "she is a dog!!". He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "you don't understand. I had sex since I was 9 years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of peace. My family was barred from the church then on.

    When my wife and went on out honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too!"

    One day I entered sex in a contest. But before the competition began, sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand!!" I said. "I hoped to have sex on TV!!". He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honor. I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "me too!!"

    Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "sex has been my best friend all of my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer. So lonely." The doctor said, "look mister you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. So get yourself a dog."
     
  16. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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  17. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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  18. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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  19. TD-Tommy776

    TD-Tommy776 Man of Constant Sorrow

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    To use a baseball analogy, when its right over the plate you better hit it out of the park. That one was way too easy, urqh, but well executed.
     
  20. belasar

    belasar Court Jester

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    I have actually considered this idea, usually around late August.
     

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