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joke of the day..

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by sniper1946, Oct 2, 2009.

  1. Biak

    Biak Adjutant

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    None have a bigger heart than a Piper;



    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

    Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
     
  2. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. rprice

    rprice Member

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  4. rprice

    rprice Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  5. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    Took me a moment to get that one :)

    Recently house sat my neighbors cat, but I don't think they will ask me next time :(
     

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  6. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    First morning after Sweden changed from driving on the left side to driving on the right, 1967

    [​IMG]
     
  7. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

    In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
    In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

    Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
     
    A-58 and Ken The Kanuck like this.
  8. belasar

    belasar Court Jester Staff Member

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    No, this is not a self portrait (but kinda accurate none the less)
     

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  9. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    I Have Been makingTravel Plans for 2014!!!!!


    My inconclusive travel plans for 2014:

    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

    One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

    I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet, damp and smelly there.

    From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!
     
  10. rprice

    rprice Member

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    In the spirit of the post immediately preceding this one...

    [​IMG]
     
    André7 and Otto like this.
  11. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    [SIZE=14pt] Good Stuff![/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14pt]1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]17. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.[/SIZE]


    [SIZE=14pt]23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.[/SIZE]




    [SIZE=14pt]Finally:
    I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now-
    [/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]a-[/SIZE][SIZE=14pt]days it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.[/SIZE]
     
  12. chibobber

    chibobber Member

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    May I add....

    The early bird gets the worm.but..
    The second mouse gets the cheese!
     
  13. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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    Hate your job? There's a story today about a new gel that prevents the spread of HIV. How do they know this? Well, researchers have a bunch of infected macaque monkeys and pay somebody to spread the gel on the genitals of the uninfected monkeys immediately after they have sex with the infected monkeys.

    Imagine sitting in a bar after a hard day of slathering gel on warm, slippery macaque genitals (I mean, you'd have to drink after a day like that!), and a cute girl sits next to you and in due course asks you what you do for a living.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/13/health/gel-protects-monkeys-from-hiv-after-sex-study-finds.html?_r=0
     
  14. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    John Lang
    I guess one of the reasons I liked LAX so much was how friendly they were.

    The stewardess for instance comes up to me and asks:
    "Would you like headphones" and I said said "Absolutely! But how did you know my last name was Phones?"
     
  15. Carronade

    Carronade Ace Patron  

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    A friend of mine swears this happened, and got him kicked off an airplane:
    A stewardess came down the aisle saying "Anyone care for cocktails?" and he said "Sure, tell us a few!":
     
  16. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    Lets just pull out our Bows and Arrows if those IFR Pilots get too low!

    [​IMG]

    Regardless if this is the real deal or a piece of art.
    - They do shoot at the planes in the Amazon and actually hit them.
     
  17. KodiakBeer

    KodiakBeer Member

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  18. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    [​IMG]
     
  19. Fred Wilson

    Fred Wilson "The" Rogue of Rogues

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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xEX-48RHCY
     
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  20. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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    What kind of a thread is this? I a m supposed to go back and read through 5 years worth of jokes???

    Well, somebody has to do it, right?
     

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