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Some jokes and some funny pics...

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by Kai-Petri, Dec 4, 2002.

  1. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    Yes yes, we know.
     

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  2. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    Any questions?
     

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    bigfun likes this.
  3. bigfun

    bigfun Ace

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    that's funny!! ^^^^^^

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
    The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:




    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    Please read on -------


    PLEASE NOTE:



    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



    The first floor has wives that love sex.



    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

     
    Jaeger, Miguel B., Kai-Petri and 3 others like this.
  4. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    Explaining Our United States Taxing System With Beer:

    Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
    If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

    The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
    The fifth would pay $1.
    The sixth would pay $3.
    The seventh would pay $7.
    The eighth would pay $12.
    The ninth would pay $18.
    The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

    So that's what they decided to do.

    The ten men drank at the bar every day and seemed quite content with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beers by $20."
    Drinks for the ten cost just $80.

    The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.
    They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So the owner suggested that it would only be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

    And so:

    The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%savings).
    The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
    The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
    The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
    The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
    The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

    Each of the ten men were better off than they were before and the first four continued to drink for free, but once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
    "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did!"

    "That's true!!"" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

    "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

    The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

    The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something very important ... they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

    And that, boys and girls, journalists, the media, stumper's, and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact they may just start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

    David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
    Professor of Economics
    University of Georgia

    For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
    For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible!

     
  5. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    Sometimes neither Bears nor Lions can believe what they hear.
     

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  6. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    The B-2 really is "User-Friendly"
     

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  7. FramerT

    FramerT Ace

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  8. Stefan

    Stefan Cavalry Rupert

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  9. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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    I think this is a fake.

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Stefan

    Stefan Cavalry Rupert

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    Is that the new Church-ill?

    I'll get my coat...
     
    Joe likes this.
  11. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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  12. Stefan

    Stefan Cavalry Rupert

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    Show McCain a picture of Cthulhu and tell him its Obamas new VP, he'd peg it there and then...
     
  13. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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    Little Johnny asks “Mom, what kind of bird brings babies?”
    Mother responds “Why, a stork, little Johnny.”
    Then little Johnny asks “Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?”
    Mother responds “A swallow.”
     
  14. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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    Must be a contortionist to do this in a F-4 cockpit!

    [​IMG]


    ----
    Ahhh, rats, it looks like the pic doesn't show at times. Do copy and past the URL because the photo is worth it (I reckon!) ;)
     
  15. Totenkopf

    Totenkopf אוּרִיאֵל

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    A little boy and his father are listening to the Fuhrer's speech on the radio as Germany declares war on the USA. The boy asks his father where the USA is. The father takes down a globe and runs his hand across the USA, saying "All of this area of North America, son".

    The boy looks at the globe and asks "and where is the British Empire?". The father indicates Britain, Canada, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and India on the globe.

    "I see", said the boy. "And where is Russia?" The father showed him the sprawling mass of the USSR on the globe. The boy's eyebrows furrowed with concentration.

    "And where is Germany?", he asks. His father points at the area of central Europe where the Reich is located. The boy looks very concerned and says "Dad, has Hitler seen this?"





    Hitler after being rescued from drowning by two boys, one an Aryan, the other a Jew. Gratefully he promised to meet any wish they made. The Aryan asked for and was granted a motor cycle, the Jew asked for a State funeral. Hitler was amazed. "What do you mean?" he asked. The Jew boy answered: "They will kill me at home when they know what I have done."




    2 Russian soldiers, Misha and Aloysha are standing guard it the crumbled remains of Stalingrad. As it is a cold nite, the 2 have been warming themselves with vodka. After quite a while of drinking, 1 looks at the other and says,
    "Misha, my bladder is full and I must go take piss."
    the other replies, " Is good idea Aloysha, I think I join you!"
    So here they are, 2 frozen Reds, pissing to thier hearts content when the first looks to the other and says,
    "Misha, why is it when I piss, it makes big noise. But when you piss, it makes no noise at all?
    "Simple!" replies Misha. "When you piss, you are doing it on sacred soil of Mother Russia. She is protesting!. But I, I piss on your coat!!"



    A British flier is shot down over German-occupied France. He survives his combat but seriously injured. The German doctor has to amputate one of his legs. The British flier asks the doctor, "After you take off my leg, can you have one of your bombers drop it over England on their next raid?" The doctor thinks this a strange request but agrees to it. A few days later, they have to amputate his other leg. The British flier makes the same request, and the Germans agree. Then they have to take off an arm, and the flier makes the same request. Again, the Germans comply and drop his arm over England. Finally, they have to amputate his other arm and the flier makes the same request. The camp Kommandant interjects: "Nein! Ve cannot do zis! Ve suspekt you are trying to escape!"



    German troops reinforced by italian soldiers dig themselves a fixed position.

    A german sargeant notices that one of the italian soldiers is digging deeper and deeper without rest...


    Sargeant : "Luigi ? Your foxhole is nearly 3 meters deep, you wont be able to see the enemy in it !"

    Luigi smiles and says : "Ahh big boss'e am'e i curious ?"


    A plane with german paratroopers above Greece.
    The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out.
    "Come on , come on , come on !" "We dont have time to mess around !"
    "Out with you cowards!" "Come on ! The next one ! go go go!"
    But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the doorframe.
    "Out with you !" "We have no time for cowards !"
    At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door...
    The remaining parachutists start to laugh..
    "You think that was funny or what ?"
    "Funny ? , yes indeed sir.....that was the pilot"


    n Germany, an elderly man decides to go visit his daughter & her family over the weekend. During his stay, he notices that his 18 year old grandson spends the majority of his time either sleeping or in front of his computer. Becoming quite concerned, he decides to have a talk with him before he is to leave to go back home.
    "You really should get out more often, play sports, make friends, travel... perhaps meet a lovely young girl."
    The grandson doesn't seem to take much interest in this.
    The grandfather proceeds to tell him about his own days as a young man.
    "When I was your age, my friends and I went to Paris. During the day, we toured around, taking in all the beautiful sights. At night we would drink, sing, fondle the young maidens' breasts and pinch their behinds. Sometimes before we left, we would anger the bar-keeps by urinating along their bar. Ah, we had a wild time!"
    The grandson looks astonished and perplexed.
    They then bid their farewells and the grandfather announces that he shall come back in a few weeks and hopes that in the meantime he takes his advice to heart.

    A few weeks later, the grandfather returns to find his grandson lying in bed with a broken arm, a broken nose, black eyes and multiple bruises.
    "Good Lord! What happened to you!?" he asks.
    "Well," says the grandson, "I thought about what you said and it indeed sounded like an adventure. So I decided to make the trip myself and follow in your footsteps."
    The grandfather sighs "I see... and with whom did you go?"
    "Alliance*" answers the grandson.
    "Ah! That was your problem. When I went, it was with the SS!"


    This guy (in the modern days) comes up to a holy father at a church in England and says, "Father, I need to confess" The Father looks at him and replies, "Go ahead my son. I will do all I can to relieve any of your sins"

    Guy: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic"
    Father: "Well, I do not see anythign wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war"
    Guy: "But Father, I collected rent from for every week that he stayed"
    Father: "Well, that is not a good deed, but it was for a good cause, so that is fine."
    Guy: "... but Father.... should I tell him the war is over?"


    In Berlin, in the spring of 1945, a reporter asks a German civilian what he thinks of Hitler. The civilian looks carefully about him, then says, "follow me." He leads the reporter down the street, around the corner and takes him inside a bombed out building. Once again looking around him to see if anyone was near, he finally replies, 'Actually, I kind of like the guy."


    It's Bank Holiday weekend and people are paddling in the sea off Margate in Kent. Suddenly a German U-Boat surfaces, the hatch opens and the Kaleun appears. He points his machine-gun at the startled holidaymakers and cries 'You must all surrender! You are now prisoners of Germany!'

    A man shouts back 'But the war's been over for sixty years...'

    'Has it? Who won?'

    'We did.'

    The Kaleun shouts down the hatch 'Willi! Take down the picture of the Kaiser!'
     
    Za Rodinu likes this.
  16. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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    Soon to be one of everyones favorites.
     

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  17. Kai-Petri

    Kai-Petri Kenraali

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  18. skunk works

    skunk works Ace

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  19. bigfun

    bigfun Ace

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    Don't know the whole story here, probably never will, but apparentlt this guy was going 140mph when he hit this deer.
    YouTube - BMW + male deer

     
  20. Za Rodinu

    Za Rodinu Aquila non capit muscas

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    You have two cows.  The government.... from TheCapitol.Net. YouHave2Cows.com

    It's rather long, so take a look at it, it's worth it :) . A few excerpts though:

    COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

    DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

    DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

    DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

    DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

    DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

    DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

    FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

    SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.
     

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