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ww2 forums Englishmen go to war.

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by urqh, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    As that erstwhile day approaches that surely rings a Bell in all Englishmens hearts…That day of reckoning when all Englishmen in England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, oh and Eire too….we are after all Englishmen are we not gentlemen.

    A nation of heros, blaggards, villans, pirates and good all round nice chaps and chapesses. Ok, we can be brigands and shopkeepers…but under all this beats an English heart…all whistle hearts of Oak when we awake…we share that much at least.

    English heros abound in history, Henry the fifth, Henry the eighth, Henry the first, and anyone else called Henry. But we do have others, I do not need to mention Churchill, but I will…Churchill, Elizabeth the first…Raleigh, Drake, Macbeth, Russel Crowe, Braveheart, Robin Hood, King james of ScotEngland. Dave Allen, Max Boyce, Frank Carson and Ken Dodd…all brave Englishmen true.

    So as we celebrate St Georges fight with the dragon…A beast no longer seen in the fair British isles…due to the fact St. George got rid of em all for us…Now we only have to worry about being ambushed by squirrels…A land made safe by St.George…yet another Englishman true..

    But while we celebrate his passing…There are clouds on the horizon…I take you now to the woodlands of Merry England…Its April..its muddy, its wet, its raining…The best the nation has, this England, this English folk of heros past is yet again called on to defend their kith and kin, or something like that….so be careful when you go down into the woods today..you may be in for a big surprise…

    The Trench…A ww2 Forums Production.

    Written by Urqh.

    Starring :

    Steffan in his little pink cavalry tankette.
    Urqh as soldier/airman Tommy.
    Richard as the doomslayer
    Wltd45 as the token WelshEnglishman
    Gordon as the Highlander archavist
    Wotnochad as the sensible one
    Martin as the other sensible one
    Blacksnake as the scouser and Peace envoy
    Von poop as the tunnelman
    Razin as blackadders made up tank
    Mcrusk as Nurse Florence
    4th Wilts as the interrogation officer
    Drew as the media coordinator and photographer.
    Joe as the science officer.
    And special guest star, Jaeger as the commander of the whole flipping mess. Seeing as he has the rank.

    Let me take you to the windswept, forested, wet and murky forest of oldie England Town which the Englishmen above have volunteered to protect and die for if necessary…Well die is probably a debatable scenario…we will come to that bridge if we have to cross it.
    English tunes waft across the valley, the comrades in arms in tin hats, 303 Lee Enfields and pretty black uniforms with matching boots are entrenched firmly…in well…in the trench I suppose…
    Mud and rain, the stench of war…rats at our feet, rats in front in the opposing trench…Martin and Wotnochad eyes above the parapet tin hats firmly ensconsed on bonces, bayonets pointing down the field as they watch for enemy activity..
    Martin: We’re here because we’re here.
    Wotnochad: Wish we weren’t
    Martin: All will be well…trust the guys around you and trust our commander Jaeger..
    Wotnochad: I’m scared
    Martin: I think we should be with this lot in here with us.
    Music of days gone by drifts along the Trench
    Wltd45: Men of Harlech stand together…
    All: Shut up!!
    Urqh: If he sings that flipping song anymore I don’t know about the enemy, I’m going to shoot the bugger.
    Richard: Doomed were doomed…all flaming doomed..
    Von poop the tunnel rat was busy, he had seen the way things were going and was busy digging a connecting trench to ww2 talk for a quick escape if needed.
    Drew was relaxing over his compo rations of Chicken curry, ice cream and tomato soup…what a mess all in one cup, but he seemed to like army life.
    Drew:What you doing poop….smile…can I take a picture. And camera flashes away merrily…
    Joe the science officer was in the first stages of shell shock, which surprised everyone as the fighting had not yet started…Up and down the trench he ran..as youngsters do. do.
    Joe…Exterminate, exterminate..I am a Dalek..exterminate..
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words…If he doesn’t shut up with that dalek thing I’m going to shoot him.
    Von poops spade glanced the side of Urqhs helmet as he dug on…
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words…If he hits me again I’m going to shoot him.
    Drew meanwhile had seen a good photo opportunity and was gathering everyone together for a trench photo…Flash and everyone was blinded just as the enemy fired their first shots.
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words, I’m going to shoot that camera guy if he carries on.
    Razin hearing the shots, came out of his trench house…for that’s what civies do, wherever they go they build a house…
    Razin: Did I hear shots…? I’m sure I heard shots…And proceeded to run up and down the trench moving his hands in a forward and backward motion saying tank, tank as he moved on past all in the trench.
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words…Im going to shoot that bugger too.
    Martin and Wotnochad just stared ahead towards the enemy
    Martin: They’re all bonkers…
    Wotnochad: I’m really scared now…
    Suddenly a rush of air, the sound of tracks squelching in mud…as Stefans pink camoflauged tankette appears above the rampart…comes to a halt, mud sprayed on all below…opening of the cupoloa, and there he sits, Stefan…
    Stefan: Are we there yet…then hatch down, the tankette roars off into the distance.
    Urqh thought long and hard before he uttered his next words…Him too…hes dead..!!
    Gordon was meanwhile holding the right flank of the muddy trench…guarding protectively the wall he had just found above his laddered rampart, making copious notes of the design features and announcing to all that he had just found the lost wall of the Englsh Incas…Drew ran to cover Gordon
    Drew: Can I take a picture…flash…Gordon was blinded.
    Vroom…pink tankette crosses trench and parks tracks on Gordons newly found historic wall…Hatch opens…
    Stefan: You can see my house from here….are we there yet…
    Hatch closes, camera flashes at pink tankette roaring off into distance…Gordon lays across battered squashed wall..
    Gordon…why…why WHY!!! War is Hell…
    Drew: Smile…as camera whirled away.
    Wltd45; Men of Harlech stand together….
    All: Shut up!!!!
    The sounds of war reverberate in the trench in this small wooded corner of merry England, and I’m telling you, this lot were really merry after 4th Wilts passed round his home brew cider.
    4th Wilts: Thanks Wilts for everything…Especially the cider recipe.
    Drew: Anyone seen my camera…?
    Richard: I’ve got it…oh sorry Drew the bayonet slipped, doomed doomed were all doomed
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words…You’ve got a 303 full metal jacket with your name on it too now sonny…
    The sounds of war,. Wheres me camera, exterminate, tank tank, reverberated along the trench…And Von poop kept digging…a little faster now though…
    Martin: I want to go home.
    Wotnochad: Do you think they would notice if we just…..left….?
    Meanwhile Jaeger was in his office….yep that’s right, even in a trench the English officer must have his office…
    Jaeger: Corproral Wltd45 or Jason of the Argonauts as he liked to call himself…Corporal…I have a cunning plan.
    Wltid 45: That right sir?
    Jaeger: We march at dawn…
    Wltd45: which way sir?
    Jaeger: Towards the enemy of course corporal, here see on this map, I think we are about here…the enemy over there…or about over there…
    Wltd45: Sir!!! We cant
    Jaeger: We bloody well can, whos in charge here?
    Wltd45: You sir…only…
    Jaeger: Only what man, spit it out
    Wltd45: The maps upside down sir….
    Jaeger, oh crikey…Ive just called in an artillery strike..Have the men turn about face and all will be well.
    Wltd45: Easier to turn the map round sir?
    Jaeger: Fine…Get on with it man…I’ve got a call to make to the artillery only if they fire at the coordinates I gave them they will be firing at themselves.
    Wltd45: I’m sure they’ll notice sir..
    Jaeger: Sunray, sunray, this is Jaeger…come in sunray.
    Wltd45,: What are you doing sir..?
    Jaeger: I’m trying to contact the artillery on this new fangled video conferenece machine..
    Wltd45: Sir…sir that’s your shaving mirror..
    Martin: We’re Buggered.
    Wotnochad: Oh bugger.
    Mcrusk was meanwhile walking thru the trench telling all who would listen
    Mcrusk: I’m a girl, I’m a girl..
    And as she went along the trench she bandaged the wounds of the poor Enlishmen..
    Richard: Get off woman, I aint been shot yet
    Urqh…give it time son give it time.
    4th Wilts: Will you leave off woman I don’t want me arm in a sling.
    Mcrusk: I got to practice haven’t I?
    Engines roared to a halt as Stefan in his pink tankette criss crossed the battlefield…stop , start, stop start…back to the trench in a scream of mud and oil fumes…
    Stefan, Are we there yet?
    Wltd45: Men of Harlech stand together..
    All: Shut up!!!!
    Jaeger came out of his office…
    Joe: Sir, could I request something please sir?
    Jaeger: What is it young man, go ahead..
    Joe: Could you take your skis off sir, only you keep knocking Razins tin hat off when you walk around the trench…
    Razin: Yep that’s right sir…I’m getting fed up with your skis in my nose every time you turn around.
    Jaeger: But I’m Norwegian. It might snow, I have to be ready.
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words.. I’m going to frag him…
    Gordon; Listen…damn you all…listen..d’ye no kin the pipes?
    Richard, it’s the bloody plumbing in here I’m going to write a letter…
    Urqh..no shout up, he’s right. I hear music…
    Faintly gently across the wing approaching the trench…The sound of heavenly music.
    Gordon; We’re saved…up the buffs..
    Martin: Thank god for that.
    Wotnochad: Can we go home now?
    But merriment turned to scorn as into view kicking stones and being chirpy came scouse Blacksnake: Ferry, cross the Mersey..its a land ..I know so well…
    Martn: Oh bugger its another one..
    Wotnochad…This is getting silly now.
    Gordon looked aimlessly behind blacksnake…in his minds eye he could see the band of the Black Watch advancing skirts flailing, pipes screaming, ghurkas following behind with fixed bayonets…But it was not to be…Gordon realised he could well be spending his last moments with a bunch of mad sassanachs, and he went and sat down next to Martin and Wotnochad
    Gordon: Ok if I join you two?
    Martin: Yep but we aint staying long.
    Blacksnake. Now ey…ey use lot…carm down…I’v cum from HQ, they want me to talk peace wid de enemy…were r dey den?
    Urqh thought long and hard before uttering his next words…Got a bullet with his name on it too…
    Von poops bum was all that could be seen now as he dug faster and faster…
    Vonpoop: I know its here somewhere…ww2talk, where the buggery are you I know I left it here somewhere.
    Vroom screech…sound of brakes, cupola opens…this is good this, are we nearly there yet said Stefan.
    All: No go away and play..
    And of Stefan went with the sound of his young voice in the air…Tallyho…are we there yet…
    Scouse blacksnake walked into no mans land, which Mcrusk I might add was most offended with and had hammerd in a signpost stating, equal opportunities. This is now known as no persons land.
    Scouse approached the enemy trench with all the Brave Englshmen and sorts looking on.
    Scouseblacksnake: Ere use lot, eym ere to carm it all down. u got any ubcaps?
    A volley of shots rang out and Scouse fell into the enemy trench.
    Jaeger: Did we get him?
    All: Think so.
    Richard now decided t pick the wrong moment to crack….Im off, and up he was marching steadfastly towards the enemy alone…pointing his finger at them…I want a word with you lot….Oi. you lot…yes you…your going to listen whether you want to or not…and storde on…
    Urqh was straight out of the trench following him
    Urqh: You daft sod, you’ve forgotten your rifle… and while coveing Richard as he advanced…which Richard was later to complain about as the mud got all over him. They marched towards the enemy.
    It was dark now, and some hours later singing could be heard from the enemy trenches…2 world wars and one world cup do dar…do dar…
    Martin: Im sure that’s Urqhs voice I heard saying pass the sausages..
    Wotnochad: And that didn’t half sound like Richard shouting oi you’ve spilled me beer..

    As morning approached, Scouse was missing, Urqh and Richard were missing all believed dead or captured.
    Von poop had left a hole but was quickly filling it in from the other side safe at last.
    Joe and Razin had a cunning plan and Joe had jumped on Razins back and drove the imaganiery tank back to hq for repairs.
    4th Wilts was asleep in the corner…cider flagons at his side.
    Wltd was on his own at the ramparts…suddenly dressed in white pith helmet, red coat black trousers and had a Martini Henry rifle instead of a Lee Enfield…He was taking this Zulu lark way too seriously now.
    Jaeger had gone back to HQ for orders or so he said.
    Drew was in no mans land with Mcrusk doing the hokey cokey, I’m a pearly king I am I am..
    Mcrusk happy just to hold on to him as she tried to bandage his head for some reason.
    Which left our 3 sensible guys…Martin, Wotnochad and Gordon, manning the trench…Now I ask, you….who’s the sensible ones now Martin?
    Martin: Chad, Gordon??
    What?
    Take small steps backwards…face the enemy…they’ll never know were leaving..

    And so ends the battle of farthing wood. One that would go down in history.
    I have 3 you tubes of the action if anyone want em?

    English, cry harry and st george…
     
    Stefan, GRW, Otto and 7 others like this.
  2. Mussolini

    Mussolini Gaming Guru WW2|ORG Editor

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    What? No mention of me? LIES!
     
  3. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Musso, the International brigade will be having their story quite soon. Dont worry you figure highly in it.
     
  4. wtid45

    wtid45 Ace

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    Urqh are you really Terry Pratchett?
     
  5. von Poop

    von Poop Waspish WW2|ORG Editor

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    On Crying Harry... I'm inclined to agree at this time of year.

    But Urqh?
    Have you ever considered stopping taking the tablets?

    ~A
     
  6. Heidi

    Heidi Dishonorably Discharged

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    it's cause you're not from england or not born in england,,remmebr it's about english men going to war!
    since you're italian it just won't go,i am sure you will be thee main actor in urghs italian ww2 movie.

    urgh,i like you're ww2 movie-story! it must have taken hrs to write up.
    nice job.:cool:
     
  7. Mussolini

    Mussolini Gaming Guru WW2|ORG Editor

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    Technically, I should star in both movies! I am both a Subject of the Crown and a Citizen of the US of A. My claim to become President over here is far more legitimate then Obama-Lamas, for instance! (I was actually born in the States!). So....hah hah!
     
  8. jagdpanther44

    jagdpanther44 Battlefield wanderer

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    And where...may I ask...was I while all these 'trench frivolities' were taking place ?...:rolleyes:
    Me...an Englishman through and through...:)

    Fantastic story by the way, Urqh.
     
  9. Jaeger

    Jaeger Ace

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    Good show old boy! First class!

    We hit them six didn't we lads?
     
  10. Heidi

    Heidi Dishonorably Discharged

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    ok,i bow down to yuo,yuo the main man!:)
     
  11. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Heidi, 20 minutes actually, they taught me to type before they taught me to kill.
    But they never taught me how to spell.

    Sorry Jag I took names from first few Brits I saw on sign on screen. Apart from Jaeger who as a northerner is a Brit anyway. And Mcrusk, who thinks shes Canadian but isnt really, English like the rest of us.

    But I forgot the movies...Obviously names and faces have had to be changed to protect the innocent...

    Edited today, to avoid confusion...just to point out the 3 vids are of the enemy of course...44 years of woodland warfare, our part only a short part but one that ended in overall victory over the woodland creatures.


    YouTube - Salford Manchester 1965 - 1977 Rare Photographs

    YouTube - The Henley On Thames Light Cavalry British Army (W)

    YouTube - Bolton Lancashire Rare Photographs
     
  12. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    I'll leave the pink tablets alone and see if it improves anything. But the yellow ones are pretty and so inviting that I have to try em.

    Yep Good ole HenryV...All schoolkids should be just shown that movie and then forget any more history lessons. Its all they need anyway.

    But my favourite clip...

    YouTube - Saint Crispin's Day speech
     
  13. Joe

    Joe Ace

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    Brilliant job Urqh-very entertaining! :D
     
  14. LRusso216

    LRusso216 Graybeard Staff Member Patron  

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    Great story. I can't wait for the movie version. Do you know who will star in it? Too bad the Duke is dead, I hear he had a killer English accent. Let Carl direct, it will guarantee success.
     
  15. Martin Bull

    Martin Bull Acting Wg. Cdr

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    It should be realistic, with actor appearances as close to the 'originals' as possible. I rather see myself as something like...

    [​IMG]


    ......:cool:
     
  16. Jaeger

    Jaeger Ace

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    That would be me on the right then.

    This is a story you will tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be.
     

    Attached Files:

  17. Repulse

    Repulse Member

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    ah its unfortunate i wasnt online when you did this a good story though :).
     
  18. WotNoChad?

    WotNoChad? Member

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    I heard a rumour you were playing Lord Haw-Haw... :eek:

    This'll do for me, I'll protect the front of this blonde... I mean I'll protect the front with this blonde...

    [​IMG]
     
    urqh likes this.
  19. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Well, Drew got the negatives back today, and he printed some of the real pics of Farthing wood battle for me...I'll put em online as I get em. but here's a few to start...Memories...

    Drew took this when we first moved into the trench..

    The second is 4th wilts and Wtid before the march

    and the 3rd is obviously stefan on the left with Jaeger discussing parking arrangements.
     
  20. urqh

    urqh Tea drinking surrender monkey

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    Gordon after Stefan drove into his inca wall.

    Mcrusk before the action....talking to a friend

    And Gordon in full Scottish skirt before we persuaded him to change as he was putting the ememy off their aim.
     

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