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Football Humour!

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#1 Kai-Petri



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Posted 23 October 2008 - 01:24 PM

The World Cup Top 30
Forget FIFA’s nonsense selection, here’s the guff squad.

30. "A suspicion that Kewell was offside, but the question people will be asking is - was he active?"
Nothing quite so active as scoring a goal, is there Ger Canning?

29. Motty: "Well, looks like an Abel Xavier impersonator in the crowd!”

Lawro: "I think that is him John..."

28. "It's lovely to see two strikers play with each other"
David “tugging at his pants” Pleat sees the beauty in the Klose – Podolski union.

27, “If you get a man sent off, you can be pretty certain your team is only going to have ten men.”
If only ZZ had an on-field link-up with Talksport’s Graham Beacroft, things might have worked out so differently.

26. ESPN’s Tommy Smyth’s verdict on the World Cup ball:


25. "This game was played in Cologne and it stunk.”
Lawro’s verdict on Switzerland – Ukraine.

24. "I doubt Totti – he's a Rodney Marsh."
Giles delivers the harshest words of all.

23. "And if they (Africans) can just learn how to win football matches it is inevitable that one day, they will win the World Cup."
Stephen Alkin identifies a chink of light for the dark continent at the end of a long and patronising tunnel:

22. "He (Radoslaw Sobolewski ) got sent off and the manager's thanking him for his efforts… he should have kicked him between the… he should have punched him in the nose."
Where could Graeme Souness have gotten this unfair reputation as a gaffer who can't get on with his players?

21. “Yes, I saw him walking off at halftime rubbing his groin. I think that was some kind of statement.”
David Pleat spots some provocative antics from Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

20. "You could say they were pulling the wool over our eyes with Lahm scoring there."
Sheepish Lineker.

19. "The referee certainly isn't fond of the whistle. James Galway he aint."
Jimmy Magee worries about a lenient official during Italy - Ghana

18. “It's definitely hit him on the hand, but he didn't raise his ball.” Mick McCarthy spots some commendable penalty area restraint during USA – Czechs:

17. “Holland are playing a 4-4-2, but with three forwards"
JP Dellacamera has read only to page one of ESPN’s “Tactics for Dummy’s” handbook.

16. "One nil is usually enough to win in the group games."
But Marcello Balboa has got right to the end of “Winning 101”

15. ”Not so much Cannavaro, more can you believe it?”Motty bows out in the style to which we’ve become accustomed.

14. Dinny Irwin: "The Czechs were spent, Bill"
Gilesy: "Good one. Denis."
Denis (quizzical look exposing lack of intention): “Oh yeah, John. Brilliant.”

13. "The first time I've seen two men have sex on the BBC."
Eamonn Dunphy must have missed This Life due to Weakest Link rehearsals. Sven and Garth Crooks post-Equador love-in made up for it.

12. "They've won the game. That's probably what they set out to do."
Denis Irwin delivers a concise if uncontroversial verdict on Portugal – Angola:

11. “Ivan Kaviedes has played in five countries in the last twelve months....... including Crystal Palace."
Suppose it was only a matter of time before Simon Jordan made a move for independence. Stephen Alkin made the announcement.

10. "I think the Poles will be confident as will… the players from Equador."
Sidestep of the tournament from Kenny Cunningham

9. Martin Fisher (We thinks. UKTV G2 anyway): “Ronaldo’s got to be careful or there won't be many leagues left where he can go and play.“

Ron (quick as a flash): “Maybe twenty thousand leagues.”

8. "A waste of space. An absolute waster. He should have been yanked off at half time and put in the bath. A scalding hot bath... and left there for a long time."
Eamo’s customary tribute to Harry Kewell.

7. "Michael Beckett"
If Becks had heard this from ESPN’s Dave O’Brien, he’d have been crying a lot sooner.

6. "Italy were expecting a cat walk against the US."
Perhaps Tony Cas inadvertently got to the bottom of Totti’s preening.

5. ”Africans don't seem to be able to kick the ball properly. They are not really kicking it with the laces – they seem to get under the ball.” The only surprise for Ray “Precision Finisher” Houghton is that these fellows have football boots at all.

4. "A game that had been controlled by Argentina has turned 360 degrees."
ESPN’s Glenn Davis takes a circuitous route around Ivory’s Coast’s resurgence.

3. "They weren't even breathing at times thanks to their fitness and strength."
Gavin Peacock flags the ultimate in African naivety from the Ghanaians.

2. “I'll have to ring my wife at full time to make sure she's taping it.”David Pleat shuts the VCR after Germany – Italy has bolted.

1. "Van Persie… adjusting his undershorts...and now perhaps with Van Nistelrooy in his sights"
Peter Drury during Holland – Argentina, revealing why Ruud spent the rest of the tournament skulking nervously on the subs bench.
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