A Silly Story

I like collecting stupid stories about senior officers. Here's one of my favourites, but if anyone has anything similar I'd love to read it.

Jumbo

Jumbo Wilson and Alanbrooke went to Turkey with Winston, but as it was supposed to be hush-hush had to go from Cairo in civvies. Alanbrooke and Jumbo had only their uniforms and had to borrow clothes. This extract from Alanbrookes diary shows why the Germans could never have won....

"I have often wondered what the Turks must have thought of us when they saw us arrive in our strange clothes. Jumbo Wilson had borrowed a suit from Miles Lampson that even he could not fill adequately, and the jacket on him had the appearance of a maternity garment! I had borrowed Lampson's ADC's clothes, and as he was quite 8 inches taller and very long in the leg, I had serious trouble with the trousers. I braced them up until they caught under my armpits and would go no further, and then found that the top fly button appeared above the waistcoat opening and half concealed my tie! We looked more like a third rate travelling theatre company than anything else!"

Thus attired for two days the Chief of the Imperial General Staff and the Commander in Chief Middle East negotiated with their Turkish counterparts.

 

Nice one, Jumbo. I've just bought a copy of the Alanbrooke Diaries - looks interesting...

It's the 'wrong war' (WWI) and I can't remember which book I read it in, but this is ,reportedly, true.

At Gallipoli, after months of futile fighting in appalling conditions, a group of senior British officers arrived 'in secret' to view the situation at close hand prior to deciding on a withdrawal.

As they gathered in a large dug-out, with smart uniforms, highly-polished boots, red tabs, ADC's etc a typical 'Digger', stripped to the waist, unshaven, somehow walked in and demanded :

'Any of you b*st*rds seen my f*ck*ng kettle ?!'.

I'd have loved to have seen it !

 

There are many of those silly stories, but I must search them...

 

Medals keep pouring in...thanx guys! Keep them coming!

Anyway, I read Hasse Wind´s story in a bookshop yesterday, and as a matter of fact the story of Hitler´s plane about to crash into a factory pipe seems true. At least according to Hasse´s story!

In june 1942, Hasse Wind, probably our best fighter pilot with 75 kills, was ordered to meet a plane that was coming from Germany. He was to escort the "Condor" to Helsinki. On the way he noticed that fog was very low, and as he knew there was a factory near, he turned his plane away from it, but the Focke pilot wouldn´t turn. Also the radio was on a different frequency so he couldn´t contact the Focke pilot.Hasse was watching the situation with a little fear but fortunately the plane went some 200 meters away from the pipe. As the plane landed, the other tyre caught fire, which can be seen in the films taken from the plane´s landing.

Here´s the sort of funny part: As Hitler landed, he noticed Mannerheim and took some running steps. Mannerheim whispered:. " Corporals run, officers never!"....

 

I have another one, from the "desert fox".

Some time in 1941, after the arrival of 15. Panzerdivision, so let's say in June, general Rommel was flying over North Africa in his Fieseler Storch as usual, when he watched some lorries down there, heading West. He ordered the pilot to land inmediately in front of them. The pilot obeyed. The German general got out of the plane, ran toward the lorries and started yelling:

"Scheiße!!! Was macht ihr?!!! Ihr müßt Ost fahren!!!!"

(Shit! What are you doing?! You must go East!)

Then the driver of the lorry told his mate:
"Hey, Ian, look, a crow officer...
We're heading the right way, you prick!!!" he shouted.

Then, the German general ran into the plane escaping from some few bullets and got the hell out of there as rapidly as the pilot could.

 

I just had to send this, crazy stuff. I deleted the unnecessary parts. What propaganda!

By the way in the 1930´s Stalin held a meeting and afterwards the russian congress ( or what it is called ) started to clap. Nobody dared to stop. Older congressmen started to collapse. After 40 minutes the president of the congress ended the clapping by stopping himself.That night russian security almost beat him to death at his house, and reminded him not to end the clapping next time!

. M. MOLOTOV
THE FOREIGN POLICY OF THE GOVERNMENT
A Report by the Chairman
of the Soviet of People's Commissars
and People's Commissar for Foreign Affairs
on March 29,1940

Comrades deputies!

Five months have elapsed since the last session of the Supreme Soviet. During this short period of time, events of paramount importance in the development of international relations have occurred. This makes it necessary at the present session of the Supreme Soviet to look at the issues relevant to our foreign policy.

Germany, which has lately united 80 million Germans, has submitted certain neighboring countries to her supremacy and gained military strength in many aspects, and thus has become, as clearly can be seen, a dangerous rival to principal imperialistic powers in Europe - England and France. That is why they declared war on Germany on a pretext of fulfilling the obligations given to Poland. It is now clearer than ever, how remote the real aims of the cabinets in these countries were from the interests of defending the now disintegrated Poland or Czechoslovakia. This is shown if only by the fact, that the British and French governments declared that their aim in this war is to smash and dismember Germany, although this target is concealed from the masses of the people under the cover of slogans of defending the "democratic" countries and the "rights" of small nations.

When the Soviet Union did not want to be an accomplice with England and France in carrying out this imperialistic policy against Germany, the hostility in their attitudes regarding the Soviet Union became still more pronounced, giving a vivid evidence, how profound the class roots of the imperialists' hostile politics against the socialist state are. The Anglo-French imperialists were ready to escalate the war started in Finland to a war against the USSR and not only utilizing Finland to this purpose - but also Scandinavian countries, Sweden and Norway.

The Soviet attitude to the war, which has spread out in Europe, is well known. Here too, the foreign policy of the Soviet Union, which is penetrated by love for peace, has been quite definitively displayed. The Soviet Union made it immediately known that it stays neutral, and we have unswervingly adhered to this policy over the past period of time.

A sudden improvement in Soviet-German relations found its expression in the form of the non-aggression pact signed in August last year. This new good relationship between the Soviet Union and Germany has stood the trial in connection with the events in the former Poland and has thus fairly showed its permanence. With negotiations which began already last autumn, the expected development of economic relations assumed a concrete form in the trade agreement in August (1939) and later in February (1940). The exchange of commodities between Germany and the USSR began to increase on the basis of a mutual economical advantage, and good grounds for its further development exist.

Our relations with England and France have taken a somewhat different course. When the Soviet Union did not want to become an instrument of Anglo-French imperialists in their campaign for world hegemony, we have encountered at every step deep hostility of their policy towards our country. The very extreme they got involved in the Finnish issue, of which I shall discuss later. But during the past few months also other facts emerged which showed that the hostility of the policy of France and England towards the USSR was not small.

It should be added that all these hostile actions of Britain and France were carried out even though the Soviet Union up till now has not taken any unfriendly actions in regard to these countries. Fantasy-loaded plans attributed to the Soviet Union about some Red Army march "to India", "to the Orient" etc. are such obvious absurdities that only such people, who completely have lost their senses, can believe in this ridiculous nonsense. (Laughter). This is not the point, of course. The reason comes obviously from the fact that the neutrality policy pursued by the Soviet Union is not for the taste of the Anglo-French ruling class. Furthermore, it seems that their nerves are not quite all right. (Laughter). They want to impose on us a different policy, a policy of enmity and war against Germany, a policy which could allow them to use the USSR for imperialistic purposes. It is time for these gentlemen to understand that the Soviet Union is not and never will be a tool of an alien policy, and that the Soviet Union has always conducted and will always pursue her own policy irrespective of whether it pleases the ruling gentlemen in other countries or not. (Tumultuous, prolonged applause).

I will now go over to the Finnish issue.

All through October and November last year the Soviet government negotiated with the Finnish government about proposals, which we considered absolutely essential and urgent to achieve in securing the safety of the country, and especially the safety of Leningrad, as the international situation became more and more tension loaded. These negotiations ended in failure because of the hostile attitude of the Finnish representatives. Thus the solution of the issue was moved to the battlefield. You can be fully assured that if there had been no outside interference in Finland, if there had been fewer background operators of certain third-party countries to incite hostile policy against the Soviet Union, the Soviet Union and Finland had already at the beginning of last autumn reached an understanding and the matter would have been settled without war. But in spite of the fact that the Soviet government reduced its requests to a minimum, diplomatic means were not successful enough to reach a settlement.

Now that hostilities in Finland have ceased and a Peace Treaty between the USSR and the Republic of Finland has been signed, the significance of the war waged in Finland can and must be judged according to indisputable facts. These facts speak for themselves. These facts show that near Leningrad, all over the Karelian Isthmus to a depth of 50-60 kilometers, the Finnish authorities had erected numerous strong reinforced concrete and granite-ground fortifications armed with artillery and machine guns. The number of these fortifications ran into many hundreds. These military fortifications, particularly, reinforced concrete structures of high military strength, with their underground thoroughfares, surrounded by special anti-tank trenches and granite pillars, supported by a set-up of countless mine fields, constituted what was known as the"Mannerheim Line" which was constructed under the supervision of appropriate foreign experts to bear a likeness to the "Maginot Line" and "Siegfried Line". It should be mentioned that these fortifications were up till now considered as impregnable i.e. as fortifications never broken through by any army. It should also be mentioned that Finnish military authorities had tried in advance to convert every village in this area into a fortress furnished with arms, radio antennas and fuel stations. In many parts of southern and eastern Finland strategic railroads and highways, without any economic significance, were built right up to our borders.

In short, the military preparations in Finland have shown that Finland and particularly the Karelian Isthmus was already before 1939 set up as a ready-made military bridge-head for third-party countries' attack on the Soviet Union, on Leningrad.

Undeniable facts have shown that the hostility of the Finnish policy encountered by us last autumn was not accidental. Anti-Soviet forces prepared in Finland against our country and particularly Leningrad a military bridge-head, which under certain foreign policy circumstances, unfavorable to the Soviet Union, could have played its role in the plans of the anti-Soviet imperialists and their allies in Finland.

Not only has the Red Army smashed the "Mannerheim Line" and thus earned the glory to be the first army which under most difficult conditions cut its way through an extensive and strong zone of perfectly modern military fortifications - the Red Army acting together with the Red Navy not only smashed the military base prepared for attacking Leningrad and, but they eliminated some anti-Soviet plans fostered during the past few years by certain third-party countries. (Prolonged applause).

How far had gone the enmity of the Finnish ruling and military circles toward our country, in the preparation of a military bridge-head against the USSR, becomes also evident by many facts of exceptional barbarism and atrocities perpetrated by the White Finns on wounded and captured Red Army soldiers. Thus, when, in a certain area north of Lake Ladoga, the Finns besieged our hospital shelter with 120 severely wounded people there, the White Finns destroyed them all to a man. Some were burned, others were found with crushed skulls, while the rest had been stabbed or shot. Despite the deadly wounds, a considerable number of those killed here or elsewhere had signs of gunshot wounds on their heads or had been finished off with rifle butts and a part of those had been killed by firearms had knife stabs in their faces. Some of the corpses found had their heads severed, the heads were not found. And regarding nurses captured by White Finns, they were submitted to particular disgrace and unbelievable bestiality. In some cases the bodies of those killed were set, with their feet uppermost, against tree trunks. All this barbarism and numerous bestialities resulted from the policy of the Finnish White Guardists when they have tried to fan hatred against our country among their people.

Finland got military assistance even from the United States, from a devoted "peace lover". (Open laughter).

There is no need to quote other facts which confirm that the confrontation which took place in Finland was not only between us and the Finnish troops but it was a showdown with the combined imperialistic forces of a number of most imperialistic anti-Soviet countries. When the Red Army and the Red Navy crushed these combined enemy forces they added a new glorious page in their history and demonstrated that the source of bravery, devotion and heroism among our people is inexhaustible. (Tumultuous applause).

The war in Finland took a big toll both on us and the Finns. According to estimates of our General Staff, the number of those fallen and fatally wounded is on our side 48,745, thus somewhat less than 49,000 persons and the number of the wounded is 158,863 persons. On the Finnish side efforts are made to diminish the number of their victims, but their casualties are far bigger than ours. According to the most cautious calculations by our General Staff the number of those fallen is at least 60 thousand, not counting the fatally wounded, and the number of the wounded is at least 250,000. When you start from the fact that the number of the Finnish army has been at least 600 thousand men, you have to draw a conclusion that the Finnish army lost half its ranks as killed or wounded.

Such are the facts.

The question remains, why did the ruling circles of England and France and even of several other countries to take such an active part on the Finnish side against the Soviet Union. It is well known that the British and French governments undertook desperate efforts to prevent the war from ending and the restoration of peace in Finland, although they are not bound by any obligation towards Finland. It is also known that France, even though it had a mutual assistance pact with Czechoslovakia, did not come to the aid of Czechoslovakia. Yet both France and England actually insisted on giving military assistance to Finland just to prevent the war come to an end and peace to be restored between Finland and the Soviet Union. Hired pen bandits - all kinds of writers specialized in newspaper swindling and hoaxes - try to explain this sort of behavior of the British and French circles as particular solicitude for "small countries". But explaining the British and French policies by telling that they especially care for the interests of a small country is simply absurd. And explanations that this derives from their commitments to the League of Nations, which require, some argue, defending of its members, are not either particularly witty.

In the beginning of February the Finns delivered a inquiry about ending the war. We learned through the Swedish government that the Finnish government desired to ascertain our terms upon which the war could be brought to an end. Before deciding this question, we consulted the People's Democratic Government of Finland* for their opinion about this question. The People's Government, in order to put an end to bloodshed and to alleviate the burdens of the Finnish people, agreed that every effort should be made to bring the war to an end. We then put forward the conditions which were soon after accepted by the Finnish government. I must add, that the week after the negotiations with the Finns were opened, the British government also expressed the desire to act as a mediator in the negotiations ostensibly for the purpose of ending the war (laughter), but when our plenipotentiary representative in England comrade Maisky informed London of our proposals, which were subsequently adopted in their entirety by Finland, the British government did not wish to cooperate in ending the war and restoring peace between the Soviet Union and Finland. This did not prevent an agreement from being soon concluded between the Soviet Union and Finland. The outcome of this agreement and ceasing of hostilities and restoring peace are contained in the Peace Treaty, signed on the 12th of March. In connection with this the People's Democratic Government* took up the issue of its dissolution, which it carried out of its own volition.

The Anglo-French press wrote that the Soviet Union wants to change Finland into a mere Baltic Sea country. This is also, of course, stupidity. It should be sufficient to show that when USSR, during the war, occupied the Petsamo (now Pechenga) area adjoining to the Arctic Ocean, she voluntarily returned this area to Finland, because she considered it essential to let Finland have an ice-free ocean port. Consequently we consider Finland to be not only a Baltic Sea country but also a northern one.

There is no truth in these fabrications of Anglo-French newspapers which are old hands in the art of falsified anti-Soviet propaganda. The truth lies elsewhere, namely in the fact that the Soviet Union, after crushing the Finnish army and with a full capacity to occupy the whole of Finland did not do that and did not demand any indemnities to compensate her war expenses, that would have been done by any other power, and limited her wishes to the minimum thus displaying magnanimity toward Finland.

Now the objects set by us have been achieved and we may express our full satisfaction with the Treaty made with Finland. (Applause).

From now on political and economical relations with Finland will be fully restored. The government expresses its confidence that normal and good neighborly relations will develop between the Soviet Union and Finland.

In connection with Japan I would like to say a couple of words about one, so to speak, non-business matter. (Hilarious movement at the hall). Recently a member of the Japanese parliament submitted this inquiry to his cabinet: "Could it be considered, to end completely conflicts between the USSR and Japan, for instance, by means of buying off the Pacific coast and other territories." (Bursts of laughter). The Japanese parliamentarian, who presented this question and who is interested in buying Soviet territories, which are not for sale (laughter), is at least an amusing man. (Laughter, applause). But with his silly inquiries he, I presume, does not increase the prestige of his parliament. (Laughter). But if there is, in the Japanese parliament, this kind of strong enthusiasm in bargaining, could the deputies of this parliament be concerned in putting South Sakhalin for sale. (Laughter, prolonged applause). I have no doubts that buyers would be found in the USSR. (Laughter, applause).

Regarding our relations with the United States of America they have not improved lately or, very likely, neither worsened if you do not count the so-called "moral embargo" against the USSR, deprived of any sense, especially after when peace was made between the USSR and Finland. Our imports from the United States have increased as compared with the last year. They might increase still more if American authorities did not put obstacles in the way.

Such on the whole is the international situation as a consequence of the events of the past five months.

In short, the task of our foreign policy is to ensure peace between nations and guaranteeing the safety of our country. What follows up from this - keeping to neutrality and refraining from taking part in the war between the major powers of Europe. This attitude is based on the treaties we have concluded and it fully complies with the interests of the Soviet Union. This attitude also exercises a curbing effect on escalating and inflaming of war in Europe, and is therefore in the interests of all nations that are striving for peace and are wailing under the enormous new sufferings caused by the war.

When we make a summary of the past period of time we see that in safeguarding our country's security considerable successes have been attained by us. This is just what makes our enemies infuriated. We, however, confident in our cause and in our strength, will consistently and unswervingly carry on our foreign policy.

(Tumultuous prolonged applause all around the session hall. Deputies stand in ovation).

 

This funny story doesn't concern officers, but I know for a fact it is true.

An old soldier was in hospital for a routine op. After it ws done he would bust himself and take walks around the other wards.

Every day he would pass one old boy in an isolation tent, he would wave every time.

Then one day the tent was lifted and the two old boys got talking and it went onto the war. The conversation went like this.

'Yes, I wos in Monty's lot in the war.'

'Wot, you mean the Desert Rats?'

'Yeah that's right, I wos in the 4/7th Dragoon Guards.'

'Well, blow me I was wiv that lot too!'

'Blimey, I wos in A Sqn!'

'So, wos I, in No 3 Troop.'

'Stone the crows, so wos I!'

'I don't believe it, did you know old Bob Jenkins?'

'Yeah, ee wos one of my best mates!'

Both men then looked in shock and both said at once,

'You were in my tank!'

I love that story.

[ 09 August 2002, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: the gunners dream ]

 

Here´s a funny story on the temperature, I hope it doesn´t offend anyone.

 

What happened. Ok,try again:
Temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears wintercoats and gloves. The Finns are
out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets
[convertibles].

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes. The water in the Vantaa river
(in Southern Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have
their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using
long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer
celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face
of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the
hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army
postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter
weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent
a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they
can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The
Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that
the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele,
it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

 

I must say, Kai-Petri, I visited Helsinki for the first time a few years ago in the winter and loved the place !
And yes, I had time to see the Mannerheim house...

 

Heh heh heh, great stuff Kai.

 

Nice to hear Martin that you enjoyed being in Finland. I think Helsinki is fine, but you should really see Turku....

I even think Sting ( of the Police fame ) has said that the river Aura ( trough Turku ) has impressed him so much that he wants to spend a while by the river bank each time he comes over to Finland.Not bad, eh?

 

Don't want to change the topic here, it's just one of my usual comments, but that Russian propaganda about Finland is almost the same stuff the Bush administration is saying about Iraq right now.

 

Comerade Hrustsev after winter war:
" The Finns may run out of everything else but they will never run out of their supply of skis"

 

Kai, I can believe your Finnish temperature scales.

A Finnish girl I met a couple of years ago took great delight in telling me about their winter party games. Whenever anyone lost a bet they had to strip naked, go outside, and run around the house twice, and this in the middle of winter !!! and in minus 35+ degree temps.

Finland is definitely on my "To Do" list for the future.

 

The worst I did was -28 in Norway. It wasn't as bad as I expected because there was little humidity. I certainly felt far better off than I would in London at -5! This may have been due to the excellent Norwegian equipment I'd been given though...

 

( Didn't get invited to any of those parties when I was in Finland...... )

 

Very nice, Kai!

I think I was a Finn in my last life, because people always stares me when it's "cold" and I never wear any jacket, jumper, sweater or anything... Well, I have to wear a scarve after singing... (but I don't like it)

 

I never did like that bohemian corporal.

This one isnt WW2, butit has to do with an officer: In 1898 following the beginning of the Spanish-American war, the USS Charleston, on its way to the Phillipines, stoped at guam, a spanish possesion. The ship fired a dozen shots at an ancient spanish fort gaurding the capital. There was no return fire. Instead a spanish officer came out to the cruiser to apalogize for not having any powder; otherwise, he declared politely, the fort would reply to the Charleston's "salute." When the poor fellow heard that Spain and America where at war, he promptly surrendered. That was how the US secured Guam, we still have it today.

 

Hahaha!!!

Those Spaniards always kill me with their jokes... That remembers me when I lived in Madrid. I was laughing all the time...