A World War Two Joke

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20057151.asp

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

 

From operation Cobra by Stephen J. Zaloga (Osprey)

Paris Aug 1944

"..to minimize the risk of major combat breaking out a detachment was sent to seize the Hotel Meurice and demand Choltitz´s surrender. After a short skirmish an excited young officer burst into Choltitz´s office and shouted " Do you speak German?" to which Choltitz replied "Probably better than you!"...."

 

Well, I am lucky. All these jokes are new to me. I had a wonderful time!!! Thanks to all.

 

Okay, that is by far the funniest thing I have seen in about a decade about WWII. Great site Kai. I am still wiping my eyes. LOL.

 

An old woman is waving a swastika flag over her frying pan with some thin slices of potato. Asked for the reason for this strange behavior, she says: "So many have grown fat under this flag - maybe so will my potatoes ...."

 

There is in one of the best of these jokes something of the allegorical style that marked most of the early German folk stories. Adolf Hitler was inspecting a mental home when he was told that in one cell were five men "who suffer from a queer from of megalomania. They all wear short moustaches and keep on muttering, 'I am Adolf Hitler, the greatest man in Germany'." Hitler asked to be allowed into the cell, alone; he would knock when he wished to be let out. "After five minutes there was a violent bang at the door. The physician flung the door open. A short man with a short moustache came out. To this day nobody knows which one left the cell."

A story that sent its teller, a popular comedian, to a concentration camp concerned the identity of Germany's greatest man. "His name begins with the letters GOE, he is an Aryan and looks an Aryan; in the whole world he is recognised as Germany's cleverest head," said the comedian, inviting his audience to name this man. Goering? No…the cleverest head. Goebbels? No…one who looks an Aryan. Then said the comedian, "I fear the German public has lost its lucidity. The great man is naturally Goethe."

Hitler telephoned to Mussolini. "Anything to report?" he asked. "Yes, Adolf, the Italian troops have occupied Albania." "Heavens," roared Hitler, "I said Rumania."

http://150.theage.com.au/view_bestofarticle.asp?straction=update&inttype=1&intid=717

 

Stalin´s Winter war problems...




Neutrality and 1939-1940



Hitler´s 1942 offensive faces problems...

and more:

http://www.llgc.org.uk/illingworth/illingworth_s040.htm

 

Alllied propaganda postcards dropped to Germany

 

Well, almost WW2...

 

http://www.diggerhistory2.info/army/1942/chapter05.htm

 

Tower: Have a good trip.
Pilot: Make that a round trip . . .

— Lloyd Lace, USAAF, 1944. Said before departing on C-46 missions, flying over 'The Hump' (China - Burma - India)

--------------

. . . four other pieces of equipment that most senior officers came to regard as among the most vital to our success in Africa and Europe were the bulldozer, the jeep, the 2½-ton truck, and the C-47 airplane. Curiously, none of these is designed for combat.

— Dwight D. Eisenhower


http://www.skygod.com/quotes/

 

Kai should like this one

----------------

1939, Winter War,somewhere at the front.

A mass of russian soldiers is charging a MG-nest over a frozen lake. "Urrraaaaaa, urraaaaaa, za Stalina!!!!" can be heard everywhere. One soldier charges toward the MG-nest and covers the gun with his body.

Remaining russians capture the machinegun and its crew, and the politruk comes to interrogate the finns: "Ahaaa,see you dirty capitalist pigs,see what kind of men we have. They dont hesitate to give their life for their country. What were the last words this brave man said?"

The older finnish soldier replies: "I heard the man shout "za Stalina,za Rodinu,.....oh shoot, it's slippery ice!!"

 

At the height of the Blitz 3 old spinsters where huddled in their cellar while the Bombs dropped above them.

One of them asked, "well we may not survive this lot, so time for secrets, If you could have had any famous man as a lover who would you have chosen, Ethel you first"

Ethel hugs herself and says "Ohhh! it would have to be that Mussolini, a romantic & sophisticated Italian Lover"

Mable sits up straight on her stool and says, "No! For me it would be that Adolph Hitler, strong, brutal, forceful"

Iris meanwhile is chuckling away to herself and when asked who her lover would be she giggles and says "Oh Winnie of course"

But he's old and fat and smokes cigars, the others say.

Ah! says Iris it's not what he looks like it's because of what he said on the Radio the other day, you know, "It will be long! ... It will be Hard! ... and there will be no withdrawal, whatever the cost may be!"

 

The truth why Germany lost the war:

Seen picture of Churchill making the two finger peace sign?

"He won, because Hitler always chose paper."

 

http://www.psywarrior.com/AxisLeadersMonsters.html

------------

These are prewar but excellent!



Hurrah, the Butter is All Gone!
John Heartfield, 1935

This image is another example of how photomontage has been used to make sharp, and often satirical political points. John Heartfield, a German, produced this picture in response to a comment by Herman Goring during the food shortages in Nazi Germany. Goring said: "Iron has always made a country strong, butter and lard only make people fat." By picturing a family under the Nazi regime eating an iron bicycle, Heartfield satirizes and shows the foolishness of Goring's comment, and in general the Nazi regime's disregard for the basic needs of its people.




John Heartfield, a German Communist who fled Germany in 1933, was a pioneer in the technique of photomontage--long before the era of Photoshop.. He used the method in the Arbeiter Illustrieterte Zeitung (Worker's Illustrated Press). Here, Heartfield depicts Goebbels, who would become Hitler's propaganda minister, as if he were hanging a beard on Hitler to make him appear to look like Marx. Heartfield's message is that National Socialism has tried to mimic socialism without delivering anything that socialism has to offer-

 

This one's good but kinda mean (ok, really mean).

Q:What do you call an angry German?

A:A sauerkraut(sour kraut)

 

Police report on what Germans joked about in 1943:

Anyone who recruits five new members into the Party gets to leave himself.Anyone who recruits ten new members gets a certificate testifying that he was never in the Party.

 

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

OUCH!

 

Montgomery

In 1944, Alan Brooke, chief of the imperial general staff, remarked to King George VI that field marshal Montgomery, fresh from his victory over Rommel's forces in the Battle of El Alamein, was clearly "a very good soldier." But, he added, "I think he is after my job."

"I thought," George playfully replied, "he was after mine!"

 

One of the rumours sent to the Germans by black propaganda radio stations was that Hitler´s girlfriend had just given birth to a baby boy.

So from now on the salute will be:

"Heil Hitler und sohn!"