Some jokes and some funny pics...

The awful truth....

 

Re : Kai's posting on August 5th :

You've got to hand it to the Russians - they'll fake anything, and I really mean - ANYTHING !

 

Why France did not want to take part militarily in the Iraq crisis...

 

You want to know what it feels like to be a god and when you´re angry you want to punish your people with a strike of lightning...

http://louhi.kempele.fi/~skyostil/archive/dump/flash/wrath.swf

 

Thought Enrique Iglesias can sing...

Check this version which was recorded as the actual song was playback...

http://www.index.hu/politika/bulvar/enrique/

Take the second site from the bottom with
(mp3,1 MB) in the end...

 

I don't know if it's a funny story but i read it on the internet and they said it was a true story.

In an american school (the ones with hundreds of students in a huge classroom at the same time) a class had a massive test before the end of term. One guy had trouble with the test so when the time was up he continued writing for an hour I think. The teacher had sambled all the hundreds of tests that were on his desk and when the student was finished he walked camly to the teachers desk. The teacher smiles and says:
"Ha, you have failed the test. You won't pass this class." The student looks at him and asks:
"Do you know who I am?"
"What!?"
"Do you know my name?"
"No!" The teacher was red in the face by rage now. The student said "Didn't think so." and putted his test in the middle of the huge pile of tests and walked out.

 

Anybody liked the Enrique Iglesias singing???

( Check the previous page...)

 

Famous 'Last Words'
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." — Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

Famous 'Last Words'
"But what ... is it good for?" — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." — Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Famous 'Last Words'
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

Famous 'Last Words'
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." — Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.

Famous 'Last Words'
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

Famous 'Last Words'
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." —

Famous 'Last Words'
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." — Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." — 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

Famous 'Last Words'
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Famous 'Last Words'
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." — Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

Famous 'Last Words'
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

Famous 'Last Words'
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" — David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

Famous 'Last Words'
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home." — Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977

Famous 'Last Words'
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." — Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

Famous 'Last Words'
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Famous 'Last Words'
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Famous 'Last Words'
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons." — Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Famous 'Last Words'
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

Famous 'Last Words'
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus

http://pondscumandlawyers.com/cgi-bin/humour.cgi?SearchWord=last%20words

 

I got this in an e-mail this afternoon:

First a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their ***ing hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS!

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed such a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses and snowdrops came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
Hitler and the garden centre-piece was a big floral swastika!" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

I love the one about the Landrover and the last one, as for the london underground ones, I have heared some pretty imaginative announcements too.

 

English Premiership Football news...



A Middlesbrough fan arrested after falling asleep during last month's home defeat against Arsenal is to face trial.

Lawyers for Adrian Carr have branded the charge brought against him - of being drunk in a sporting arena - as ludicrously harsh.

But the Crown Prosecution Service are pressing ahead with the case and Carr - having pleaded not guilty at a hearing on Monday - has been committed to stand trial later this year.

Carr had worked an early shift on the morning of the match before joining friends in a pub before kick-off and enjoying several pints.

But he was so soundly asleep by the final whistle that stewards and police had trouble rousing him.

However, he is furious that the authorities are coming down so hard on him in a case which could result in him being see him banned from every sporting ground in the country.

Carr has also had his season ticket confiscated by Boro until his case is resolved.

He said: "I am maintaining my innocence because all that happened was I fell asleep. It just feels like a joke that I have to go to trial for something so stupid.

"I had done nine 6am starts on the trot and 30 hours overtime on top of that. I was tired, not drunk.

"Now I'm going to have to miss home games against Newcastle, Everton and Chelsea.

"The Newcastle game is the biggest of the season because it's like a proper derby match."

 

Thanks guys. These last two are the biggest laugh I have had in ages.

[ 09. September 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: KmPok ]

 

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled own for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will help keep the sheets off your legs."

 

Nothing personal....

------------

What beats a princess??

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

 

HaHa! Funny stuff Guys! I laughed a ton at all the fuuny photos!

This seems to be quite an interesting group here on these forums, I hope I'll fit in ok.

 

Welcome to the forums Monty Casino

Im sure you'll fit right in

 

http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/sher.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/bt.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/PzIV.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/tiger.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/abrams.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/lee.jpg
http://armor.kiev.ua/humor/?img=txt/iv02.jpg

 

Love the tanks Unix, cool man. Welcome also, nice to have someone else on the forum.

 

Unix

Great photos sir, that's gotta be the best post I've ever seen that doesn't have any words.

reddog2k

Thanks for the welcome, and great avatar! Southpark is hilarious.

Question; how do I get an avatar as cool as that?

Onthefield

Glad to be here and meet a bunch of savvy WWII'ers like yourself.

 

Something from a funny site called Somethingawful.com, you gotta be a little curious about anything entitled a "Nazi Jamboree"

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1708