Some jokes and some funny pics...

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right. I never thought of that!"
Dave Barry

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law; If a company can't explain, in one sentence...what it does...It's Illegal.

( on the "Atkins Diet) Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing...Since the dawn of Civilization!!"
Lewis Black

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's Bull$hit.
Mel Brooks

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I like Florida, everything is in the 80's. The temperature, the ages, the IQ's.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin

 

Why do blond chicks belly buttons always hurt?
because blond guys are stupid too.

 

The Armed Forces of the PHilippines, in its drive for self-reliance, succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

 

Tarzan's favourite side-kick Cheeta turns 76 but won't retire ... as he pens his autobiography | the Daily Mail

Cheeta has outlived his co-stars Maureen O'Sullivan and Johnny Weissmuller....

 

Why did the duck cross the road?












The chicken was on holiday!

--

A man walked into a bar. He said, "ouch!".

 

Conservative Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground at an elevation of 2364 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude."
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Conservative."
The man replies, "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "Everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Liberal."
"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault, not yours!"

 

What is the difference between Polish Soldiers and German Soldiers??

The Polish Soldiers throw hand-grenades, and the Germans pull their pins and throw them back.

 

Yo, posterior orifices! Isn't this thread good enough for you? http://www.ww2f.com/free-fire-zone/16785-some-jokes-some-funny-pics-34.html

 

Perfect Racism Test
Is This YOUR Security Company
Beer Goggles

 

Sorry says Russian tabloid for Putin’s wedding report

Moscow, April 18: The Russian tabloid Moskovsky Korrespondent on Friday apologised for carrying a report that President Vladimir Putin is to marry a rhythmic gymnast, saying "there is no factual base for our publication".

The tabloid accepted that it cannot substantiate its own report on Putin's "wedding with a famous gymnast" and apologised for the "moral pain" inflicted to the persons concerned.

In its weekend issue, the tabloid, specialising on spicy gossip about celebrities, had reported about 55-year-old Putin's "plans" to wed former Olympic rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabayeva (25) on June 15.

Tabloid's apology came a day after its owner, former KGB-agent-turned billionaire Alexander Lebedev, washed his hands off the report, saying under the media laws the editorial must either produce convincing facts or apologise and face the consequences.

Putin:

YouTube - Putin denies secret marriage to Russian renowned sportswoman

It seems the Russian newspaper who published the news now is closed and it is not known for how long....

Think about the press in the West if they were closed for making false/irritating gossips as their cover stories...

 

Warning, strong language but funny:

Prince Harry is our hero

Some more good stuff:

YouTube - Karl Dönitz Hitler's Successor - That Mitchell and Webb Look

YouTube - German SS officers - That Mitchell and Webb Look

 

Mitchell and Webb?

Those guys are hilarious! We don't get that shore this side of the pond! Too bad, that's funny stuff!

 

[SIZE=-1]Four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twit again." [/SIZE]

 

Oops! Is it good to tell the truth?

Fat Russian generals told to shape up - Telegraph

 

What t really means...

It has long been known that...
= I haven't bothered to look up the reference, but...

Of great theoretical and practical importance...
= Interesting to me...

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions...
= The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication...

The operant conditioning method was chosen to study the problem.
= The guy across the hall already had the equipment set up.

Three of the samples of Group A were chosen for study...
= The others didn't make sense...

Typical/selected results are shown...
= The best/only results are shown...

Agreement with the theoretical prediction is excellent/good/satisfactory.
= Agreement is fair/poor/imaginary.

It is suggested/believed/proposed that...
= I think that...

It is generally agreed that...
= The guy across the hall thinks so, too.

It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding...
= I don't understand it.

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory that accounts for these results has not yet been formulated.
= I can't think of one and neither has the guy across the hall.

Correct within an order of magnitude.
= Wrong.

Thanks are due to Sam Zebeard for assistance with the experiments and to Jane Glotz for valuable discussions...
= Zebeard did the work; Glotz explained it.

 

Rhino horn could prove fatal, thieves warned | BreakingNews.ie

A 120-year-old stuffed rhinoceros was back on display in South Africa today minus its horn which was stolen during a night-time robbery, possibly by an organised gang seeking to sell it on the Asian black market.

Museum authorities have warned that if the powdered horn is used as an aphrodisiac or other traditional medicine, it could have lethal consequences because it was preserved by the use of deadly arsenic and DDT.

Mr Bredekamp said if the stolen horn did end up on the Asian market to be used as an aphrodisiac, it would have “unforeseen consequences”.

 

10 out of 1o there stefan very funny well done mate.. krieg