A little humour from this side of the 'rainbow'...

The History of Gays in the Military

More blatent lies and distortion from bogus gay academic professor Simon Harper as he gives us the historical low-down on poofs in the Armed Forces.

AD 56 Boadicea ­The Warrior Queen of the Ancient Britons who took on the Romans was clearly in the muff-munching business, because history tells us that she had a lot of tattoos and no husband. Menopausal Bo's most terrible act was burning Colchester to the ground, so you can't say she never contributed anything to the progress of this country. Boadicea is also famous for hitching swords to the wheels of her chariot so they would chop off the legs of her ex-girlfriends as she ran them over ­ "I'm sorry, Madge, we just weren't talking any more" she would yell as she mutilated yet another Celtic Dyke. All I can say is, that was one hell of a hot flush, Bo.

1181 King Richard The Lionheart ­ you may actually be acquainted with this particular Medieval Military Marmite-Miner because he pops up at the end of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, played by Sean Connery, who of course is so old that he was probably around in the 12th century to do authentic research.
All those straight male historians can't bear to think that a courageous and noble warrior might have been in the boy-banging business (well, we're all hairdressers and trolley dollies, aren't we?) so they hedge round the fact, with edgy phrases like "Richard was ill at ease with women, preferring the close, spiritual companionship of men" being one of my particular faves. That's a bit like my mate Gerald, it's dead close and spiritual when he goes down the backroom at the Knackered Snatch, a hostelry for older gay gentlemen in Crouch End.
Of course in the Middle Ages there were no role models like Steve Gately to help you feel good about yourself so Rich used to feel terribly guilty whenever he'd indulged in a little bout of bovril-burrowing and used to get the monks at Canterbury to "strip his shirt off and whip him into a religious ecstasy." Hmmmm. Is it just me, or do the words "self-defeating exercise" spring to mind? Afterwards, the monks would take him clubbing.

1642-49 The English Civil War 1642-49 The English Civil War If you have any doubts that Rich was a poof, just bear in mind that his wife Berengaria of Navarre (well, if you've got to marry, make sure her name sounds like a Drag Act, eh, Rich?) was the only English Queen in our history never to set foot on these shores ­ Rich just left her with her parents in Spain and pissed off on the Crusades. I can just imagine it, can't you: "No, love, you stay with your mum, I'm just off to Jerusalem, should be back in about, what, nine years, don't wait up." "Oh, alright babe, will you be wanting anything for your tea?". So Rich is our first British Gay Military Leader, banning women altogether from the Crusades because he didn't want his boys to get distracted ­ I've an inkling they found their own distractions in those tents after lights out. And Richard designed all the tents personally, nicely co-ordinated in the Royal Colours, with fitted carpeting. Say no more.

1642-49 The English Civil War ­ The poofiest war in history because the Cavaliers were the biggest bunch of closet woopsies you could ever hope to find outside a Conservative Party Conference, all lace cuffs, long curly wigs, feathery hats and horrified shrieking when their nice long suede boots got splashed with mud on the battlefield. The Cavaliers used to write lots of effete poetry and songs about yearning for beautiful women who in reality they wouldn't have known what to do with ­ hey, they were the George Michaels of the seventeenth century. They were fighting the Roundheads, of course, who were the Straight Boys of the seventeenth century, with their unflattering hair-cuts and retarded social skills. The Civil War ended when the Roundheads won a decisive battle at Marsdon Moor in Yorkshire, for which most of the Cavaliers didn't even bother turning up ­ they were all sat in cafes on Old Compton Street going "I'm sorry, dear, I just don't do the North".

1745 Bonnie Prince Charlie ­ Famed for leading the Scottish hordes in an unsuccessful invasion of England. I have decided he was gay because, hey, why not, but also because a) his first name was "Bonnie", which sounds like a ten-year-old Italia Conti School stage brat b) his second name is an androgynous pop-star of the 1980s c) His third name is a drug popular amongst poofters and d) he escaped the English cunningly disguised as a wee Highland lassie in flattering rust-coloured plaid skirts and a lovely shawl. Charlie's idea of military strategy was trying to make up his mind whether to call himself Flora or Morag. If only Charlie had succeeded, we would now have a Scottish Royal family instead of the German nonentities we're unfortunately saddled with. I'd have loved to have seen the Queen bellowing "I warned ye tae stay awa' from ma boy, ye dirty fuckin' hoor" at Camilla in a thick Glaswegian burr. However Charlie failed and spent the rest of his days getting pissed in Rome, like you're interested.

1800 Napoleon - Bet you didn't know the vertically challenged French one had an eye for the garcons, did you? Naturally the French have had that part deleted from history ­ they don't want their national hero to be gay. He can be brutal, xenophobic, tyrannical, steal other people's countries without their permission and be the leading cause of mass starvation, terror, bloodshed and warfare in the early nineteenth century, but hey, at least he wasn't a poofter!
Randy Nap actually dressed his troops in tighter-than-tight breeches so he could get an "Eiffel" (couldn't resist that) of their packets. You could always spot the French army because every time they bent over to pick up their rifles, their eyeballs popped out. In the twentieth century it was harder to spot the French army of course, because their departing backs were usually a distant speck on the horizon. Napoleon was married to the famous Josephine: we like Josephine because she was the only person around who wasn't very impressed by the war-mongering midget and she apparently fell about laughing on the wedding night when Nap got his (very small) tackle out. Conversations at dinner used to go something like this.

Napoleon:" I occupied Egypt today."

Josephine:" That's nice. Your plonker's still tiny, though."

You go, girl. Josephine was much older than Napoleon which I've noticed is often the case when gay men marry women ­ seeing as lust doesn't come into the equation, you just select some camp old minger with a laugh like a hyena who you can take clubbing. Barbara Windsor, take note. Napoleon must have been quite into Josephine, though, because when he was coming back from a hard month's slaughter he used to send messages ahead saying "On my way home ­ don't wash." so he could revel in her "natural odours", which were pretty natural, because it was 1807 and there was no Mum deodorant. The French really are repulsive, aren't they? Typical bloody man ­ fine for him, riding back from the battlefield in glory. Not so fine for Josephine having to put up with the whole of Paris reaching for their gas-masks every time she lifted her arms up.

1805 Admiral Nelson ­ Immortal Naval Hero Horatio Nelson's dying words as his ship sank were "Kiss me Hardy, ere I die of fright". I haven't bothered to find out who Hardy was, but I do hope he was a blonde seventeen-year-old cabin boy with buns of steel because poor old Nelson had already had his left eye and his right arm blown off and deserved a bit of a treat. I'd have been a bit more direct and said "Give me a blow-job, Hardy, and there's a place for you in the life-boat"

1914-18 The First World War - Full of yummy boys with floppy hair and brooding eyes and public school accents writing each other loads of sensitive homoerotic poetry under gunfire. Think Hugh Grant with a rifle. It was gay boy heaven if you could avoid being gassed to death or blown to bits. And now for an interesting footnote and yet another leading historical figure whose blatant poofterdom has been politely filed away under the category of "confirmed bachelor" ­ War Leader Lord Kitchener was a screaming Wendy. You may have seen those famous World War One Recruitment posters featuring him pointing out above the slogan "Are you young? Are you fit? I want you!" . I'll bet you do, love.Poor Kitch died in 1917 when his ship the HMS Hampshire got torpedoed and sunk by those nasty old Krauts who made the 20th century such a bore, but at least it meant Kitch got to fulfil his life's ambition of going down with a hundred seamen.

1939-45 The Second World War - Shall we be serious a second? Millions of gay people were mobilised and served their country with courage and distinction. What? No? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, gay people have never actually served their country in any shape or form whatsoever, because of course that would be "bad for morale". If it's morale we're talking about, I wouldn't have thought sending millions of young men to a needless death was awfully conducive to the feel-good factor, but, hey, what do I know? What was actually good about the war (if you can say that) was that it was the first time in history that a lot of gay people had the chance to meet one another en masse in the forces and actually see that they were not alone, which laid the grounds for the liberation movement of the 1960s and 1970s - not to mention loads of hanky panky in the air-raid shelter with those hunky GIs!! That's not to say that the usual harassment and prejudice didn't take place ­ my favourite story is of an American CCO who vowed to chuck all the lesbians out of his all-female military engineering corps ­ he gave up on the idea when he realised the corps would be reduced from eighty-eight to two

1964­-1975 Vietnam - Every single American Soldier fighting in Vietnam was gay. Or at least they were in the production of Miss Saigon that I went to see. It's no good these West End chorus boys trying to butch up because their audience are ninety percent poofters and are on to them in a trice. I remember in the Saigon brothel scene the lead nancy boy kept bellowing manfully "C'mon, Chris, let's get laid ­ I want me some pussy!" Course you do, love. Actually, though, loads of gay people did serve in Vietnam, including good old Army Maupin who wrote those gorgeous Tales of the City ­ My God, another one who actually served courageously and got decorated rather than disrupting morale and alienating his comrades! How they kept slipping through the net, I don't know. You'll be telling me gay people can be patriotic next! I'd have loved to have seen Armistead running through the jungles in his fatigues and saying "honey, camouflage is just not my colour". Armistead was decorated by President Nixon, and I like to think that while it was happening, Armi imagined Nixon in a frock and had the idea for Mrs Madrigal.

1982 The Falklands ­ not one gay soldier took part in the defence of these Isles on the ground that they were cold, grey, damp and unfashionable and who gave a shit. If only it had been Ibiza and Mykonos under threat, you wouldn't have been able to see Old Compton Street for khaki.

1987 The Nazi Years - Satan's Bride Margaret Hilda Thatcher, in demonic league with her bum-boy Minister of Defence Polly it-was-just-a-ten-year-phase Portillo, steps up her ban on gays in the UK military. I would make a wisecrack at this point, if the idea of closeted homosexual Tory ministers shitting on their fellow gay men and women were remotely amusing. The Tories vow to purge all gays from the armed forces. Shortly afterwards, Prince Edward leaves the Royal Marines to go and work in West End Musicals.I have to say Michael Portillo makes me puke, but he doesn't make me puke half as much as all his wet ex-boyfriends who say "I never spoke to the press because I didn't want to hurt his political career." Whoever said the gay community was self-defeating, eh?

1993 Don't Ask Don't Tell - US President Bill Clinton addresses the issue of gays in the military with his "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Everyone is thrilled with this compassionate solution, particularly gay soldiers, who are of course only too happy never to mention their long-time partners and act as if their sexuality were something to be ashamed of. I love it when straight people take that "I don't mind homosexuality I just don't want to hear about it" attitude, don't you? I mean what are you supposed to do when people ask you why you've reached the age of thirty-three with no girlfriend? "Well, you know, I'm just so busy, what with my job in marketing and squash on a Thursday night. And I have my goldfish". Like most yellow-bellied so-called left-wing politicians, Clinton made all kinds of assurances about "Morality" and "Family Values" to smooth over even this paltry gesture in favour of gay people. Was that before or after you shoved the cigar up Monica's fanny, Bill?

1995 ­ We love the Dutch - We will coat them with honey and lick it off and perform oral sex on them and bear their children and give them the credit they deserve for being the hash-lovin' groovers they are, for it was in this year that they began a special recruitment drive to attract gay people to the army. The whole ­ very successful ­ campaign was masterminded by a distinguished General and his (get this) gorgeous boyfriend who toured the bars and clubs with sensible slogans such as "join up and smoke more spliffs" and "join the army and meet lots of fit blokes". My other favourite was a straight Colonel who was all for attracting lesbians "especially ze fit vons", as he told Antoine on Eurotrash. Bless them

1999 ­ The European High Court finally have to step in to lift the UK ban on gays in the Military, this being yet another promise New Labour New Lies have backtracked on. Oddly enough, the world doesn't end.

2000 ­ At the Tory Party Conference , William I-once-had-a-shandy Hague and his boys in blue pledge to reinstate the ban should they return to power at the next election. It's all part of the new caring, sharing, inclusive Tory Party, you see, which will embrace all creeds and lifestyles, as long as you're not gay, black, Asian, a single mother, living under the poverty line, divorced or an Asylum Seeker. I have worked out that there is a grand total of one person in this country who fits the Tory criteria for a desirable citizen and that is Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Say no more. Although of course if they do win next year, we'll not need a standing army at all. If the Cold War starts again we can just drop Anne Widdicombe on Moscow.



[ 23. September 2003, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: General der Infanterie Friedrich H ]

 

Always enjoyable to see history from another point of view.

Nice one Freidrich.

 

Sorry Freddy, I dont get it, its all too subtle for me...

Seriously though, I love the bit 'The Tories vow to purge all gays from the armed forces. Shortly afterwards, Prince Edward leaves the Royal Marines to go and work in West End Musicals'. Oh, and Hugh Grant with a Rifle, but thats funny because its true...

Please, can we all join together here to persuade women the world over (outside the UK that is) that NOT ALL BRITISH MEN ARE HUGH GRANT!!!

 

Well, it was just a little queer humour (I don't get many things myself...)

Nor Winston Churchill...