joke of the day..

and talking of acident reports....

Car Accidents:

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."
• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
• "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."
• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."
• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

 

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

 

I believe this one on Pat Robertson's latest gaff belongs here. How this man can con people into supporting him and his brand of Christianity is beyond myself.

 

try these for a laugh......

YouTube - Car Accident (old lady) Funny

YouTube - Funny Car Crash - Hilarious

YouTube - Funny accident at car wash

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

A Lord and his gamekeeper are out in his woodlands with their shotguns, when the Lord collapses. The Lord doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The gamekeeper gets out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps! My employer is dead! What can I do?
The operator says: Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure that he's dead.
There is a silence, then two shots are heard. now back on the phone, the gamekeeper says?
OK! now what?.......

 

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Dallas."

 

this has got to be the best practical joke i have ever seen.....

YouTube - Human catapult (viral)

 

In the same vein as to "how to give your cat a pill"...

How to Bathe a Cat (recommended by The Dog)

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required/desired amount of shampoo to the toilet water in both the tank and the bowl, and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides both a "powerwash" and "final clean rinse" which has been found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door while you remain standing on the lid.

Keeping pressure on the lids, move away and stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside and up a tree usually where he will dry himself in the sun.

 

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

 

Tiger Shark!

 

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

An old Farside cartoon:

 

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

Here are some of the winners from this site, read the whole section for even more goofiness. I just really liked these.

Broadcasts:

"The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller #95." -- A Los Angeles radio DJ, shortly after the February 1990 earthquake.
　
Tour Guide Quotes:

"As you all can see all three races are represented in the memorial; there is an African American, White, and Caucasian in the statue." -- A tour guide, providing information about the Vietnam War Memorial.
　
Legislator Quotes:

"It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands."

"Unfortunately we are not equipped with hindsight in advance."

"From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine tooth comb."

"There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right."

"These are not my figures I'm quoting. They're from someone who knows what he's talking about." -- A congressman, during a debate.
　
Excuses:

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." -- A member of the Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
　
Explanations:

"Because the number and quality of applicants is so high, it is impossible for us to accept any of the qualified people who would like to study at [name of university]." -- A letter rejecting an application to enroll in a graduate program in English.

"They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- An explanation for why the Air Force bought $1000 pliers.

"If we [the Americans] had not won the Revolutionary War, we might be speaking English." -- Part of a discussion in a high school history class.

"The Philippines have over 50,000 islands, which is a lot, considering you can count Honolulu on one hand." -- A music teacher.

"In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially if there is a great distance in between." -- A judge, on a defendant's alibi.
　
See:

Things People Said: Words Without Thought

 

Heightened Security Levels around the World following the recent events

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to these threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "P....d Off" to "Let's get the B.....ds". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath),
New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!”, “I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled”.
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

Here is story from an Alaskan bush pilot who was asked; "What do you do if you are IFR (instruments) at night over the Alaskan mountains and your engine quits?"

The response was; "Check and establish your position on your chart and begin a controlled descent. Determine the elevation of the terrain beneath your position. When you reach an altitude approximately 100 feet above the terrain, turn your landing light on. If you don't like what you see, turn it off."

 

A Blonde's Computer Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why she had such a long password, the blonde said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long, and must include at least
one capital.
​

 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a
lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air
and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'