Humor, the Best Medicine

Oxymorons

Act naturally

Happily married

Microsoft Works

Holy war

Found missing

Resident alien

Minor Catastrophe

Affordable housing

Near miss

Great depression

Canadian army

Phone sex

United nations

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Death benefits

Airline Food

Women's rights

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Sensitive man

Government organization

Everything except

Civil War

Good kid

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then"

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggressive

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

New and improved

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Freezer Burn

Honest Politician

Jumbo Shrimp

Loners Club

Postal Service

 

Payrise

Pay rise application:

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I work headfirst
I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work for 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take the initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe H & S measures such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
You don’t like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
You have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

 

Quotes

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown.

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen.

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes CLK 320."
Unknown.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman.


"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne.

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld.

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde.

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum.

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview,General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwarzkopf said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

 

Quotes 2

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.
- George Will


There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.
- Guy Almes


E-mail is like coming home at night after a long day and finding 70 people in your kitchen.
- John O' Donohue


Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners.
- E. Joseph Cossman


When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
- Marcel Achard


It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar.
- Jane Goodsell


Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
- Colin Greene


I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand...
- Peter Oakley


Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
- Jimmy Shubert

 

Quotes 3

To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."
-Josh Jenkins


"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."
- Mark Twain


"At the beginning there was the Word - at the end just the Cliche."
- Stanislaw Lec


"Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?"
- George W. Pachaud


"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing."
- Anonymous


"Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
- George Carlin


"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."
-Kevin Krisciunas


"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
~ Calvin Trillin

 

Quotes 4

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

 

Railway announcements

May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."

On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central Line: "Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train first....Please let the passengers off the train first....Please let the passengers off the train first....Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then – stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care - I'm going home.'

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a Colleague unaware that he'd left the Tannoy on): "B******s to the lot of them. I don't care if they don't make it to work."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an gennelmun.... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles hanging on a wall.....'"

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a wheelie bin."


Mill Hill East: "Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

 

Rude things to say about people

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

 

Sayings from the court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo. _________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. ___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere

 

Sayings

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore
site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

He who hesitates is boss.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

 

Re: Quotes 3

It's so true!

Thank you for posting all these, PMN1, they are hilarious!

Now if you'd stop, I could take time to read them all...

 

If practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect, then why practice?

 

Re: Quotes 3

A bus driver from america that took me to killington

"we will be travelling at an altidude of 5 feet, this is a non-smoking flight, the toilets are the huge see throught glass things next to you, use them bye sticking your ass out, for emergency use only"


"People say there are no comedians in rusia, well they are there, they're dead but they're there."

"In america you can always find a party, in russia the party always finds you"

Yuri smirnoff during communist power in russai

 

Re: Quotes 3

I'm well on my way to Z - only another 15 or so to go - do I get banned if I try posting them??

I alos have a number of JPEGS once I've oaded them into Photobucket.

 

In English class, at an elementary school, the teacher asks her pupils to use the words "beauitfull" and "beautifully" in a sentence..

It's Jack Smith's turn: My father had the lawn of our beautifull house beautifully landscaped "Very well Jack! Yes Annie? It's Annie O' Brien's turn:the freckled little red head blushingly recites "My mother bought me a beatifull dress which fits me beautifully!" The teacher smiles adoringly, but with considerable trepidation notices that South Brooklyn Tony has raised his hand. Reluctantly she says :" Very well Tony, go ahead" "Yesterday ; at supper, my sister Angela told my parents that her boy friend knocked her up..and my father said "Beautifull, just freaking beautifull!" :smok:

 

a short one:
what is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?


20 or more punds :lol:

 

Some Blonde Jokes..

GAS STATION

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down
and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Final one

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the
blonde. "They're watch dogs."

Drunks

The Drunk's Story

Two buddies, Jay Bird and Drew, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Drew throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Jay Bird says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your Breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you Twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Drew stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Drew says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...
he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is Forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he cccrapped t in my pants, too."

Cannibals



A big company recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our company now", said the Human Resources Rep
during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you
can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any
of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their department manager remarked, "You're all working
very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our
secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the chair had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool !!! For 4 weeks we've been eating manaagers and no
one noticed anything, but NOOOO, you had to go and eat someone
important! " Someone who would be missed!!

 

How do you keep a blonde busy throughout the day?

Put her in a round room and tell her she left her beautycase in the corner.


Why does a blonde keep a knife in the car?

So that she can cut some corners.


How do you know a blonde used a text program on your computer?

There will be tipp-ex all over the screen.


I can't think of any more right now but there definitely are!

 

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes...........














nothing you have already told her twice.

 

Stay Zen

Stay Zen
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan...the essence of Zen:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
-------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
-------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-------------------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-------------------------------------------
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
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The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
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Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
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Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom
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