Humor, the Best Medicine

reminds me... the mr ostrich is not amused pic someone posted is an emu unless im mistaking (cant find the pic right now)
yes they are related, but the ostrich is bigger, has more contrast in colours and is from africa, the emu is smaller, more solid brownish and from australia :kill:

 

& the emu is the only one with Rod Hull's hand up its a**e! :lol:

 

the emu - down under in more ways than one! :lol:

 

Do I want to know what you mean, or is it best if I ignore this comment?

 

It was a UK children's TV series from the 1980s presented by Rod Hull and a hand (Or should that be arm?) puppet Emu.

 

Who can forget when they (He) were interviewed on 'Parkinson' :lol:

 

Michael Parkinson can't...

 

Billy Conoly handled it the best

 

Enough already!!
Here are some funnies for you....

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his
$80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

******************

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

*****************

One dark and gloomy night, a man is hitch-hiking for a ride. After several hours, he sees a ghost-like car creeping toward him.

The car stops and he gets in to find no one behind the wheel. Frozen with fear, he can't jump or run away.

The car moves forward and eventually approaches a sharp curve. The man prays for his life, sure the ghost car will crash and he'll plunge to his death.

Suddenly, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.
Terrified, the man jumps out and runs to a nearby bar where he shares his supernatural experience.

As he finishes, two country boys walk into the bar. One laughs and says to the other, "Look Bubba, there's the idiot who rode in our car while we were pushing it."

 

Cash Machine

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new “drive-through” cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down the window of your car
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash machine
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make up
20 Drive forwards two metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Give appropriate one fingered hand signal to irate male drivers’ queuing behind
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 drive for two to three miles
27 Release handbrake

 

You're a traitor to your gender!

But it was bloody funny! :lol:

 

the truth , nothing but truth

 

I thought that is how 'some' would see women drivers!

It doesn't apply to me obviously.

 

Oh, sure... Like any women are going to read all those instructions!? :-?

Yeah, right!

 

Oi yer dumb Yank, I'll have you know that I've been driving for.....(Can't tell you that, or you'll be able to work out how old I am!) Anyway....I've driven all manner of vehicles, trucks, tractors, motorbikes, cars and vans. I've yet to have an accident...but I must admit that I have driven with the handbrake on, but only for a few yards!







(The term dumb Yank only applies to Tom here, no offence intended....I always call him a dumb Yank!)

 

Yeah, sure! I've driven all sorts of vehicles, too! It's amazing what you can do in an arcade with a few coins!

 

I drive my wife round the bend.

 

I'm starting to go off you!




David...women drive everyone round the bend!!! It's one of our qualities! :roll:

 

do us males ask directions or read intructions too?

 

Sshhh!! We don't admit to ignoring such things in public!!! Oh, damn...

I read some instructions!

new coffeepot,
model kits
wargames (usually)

You know, important things!!!