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Brits and Tattoos.... (had to swipe this from another forum)

Discussion in 'Free Fire Zone' started by Ken The Kanuck, Apr 10, 2017.

  1. Ken The Kanuck

    Ken The Kanuck Member

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    Brits and Tattoos....
    Subject: Story from a Yorkshire paper

    Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

    A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Furious film fan and part-time plus-size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

    “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
     
  2. GRW

    GRW Pillboxologist WW2|ORG Editor

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    There's a tv programme on here called Tattoo Fixers- think they're London-based.
    Basically they brag about being able to cover any bad tattoo you want to forget. And there's some effing horrendous ones every week...
     
  3. CAC

    CAC Ace of Spades

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    Yep an American and Australian version too...Got any tats Gordon?
     
  4. GRW

    GRW Pillboxologist WW2|ORG Editor

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    Nope. Even more scared of needles than I am of heights.
     
  5. CAC

    CAC Ace of Spades

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    Hey...being scared of heights is not a phobia...its common sense. We cant fly...
    I have a Me262 on my chest...chicks dig it...you got one Ken?
     
  6. Ken The Kanuck

    Ken The Kanuck Member

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    No Tats, nothing against them, but I always figured why make it easy for the cops to figure out who you are.

    KTK
     
    GRW and CAC like this.
  7. Skipper

    Skipper Kommodore

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    Interesting story. Don't mess with Ben Hur...... Smoking inside? I thought it was not allowed in public places anyhow?
     
  8. SDP

    SDP recruit

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    Smoking on Business Premises is illegal nowadays.

    Thought the story was absolutely hilarious. Excellent bit of writing by the Reporter.
     
  9. lwd

    lwd Ace

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    When I was younger I was afraid of heights. One reason I took up mountain climbing. Pretty well cured that. I don't have any tattoos either and due to needles but from a different angle. Since I graduated from high school I've made a habit of donating blood. If you have a tattoo you can't donate for a year or so (at least here). Always considered the blood donation more important (and it was free). Have seen some pretty impressive works though.
     
  10. SDP

    SDP recruit

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    Ken

    Was the original article published on April 1st by any chance? ;-)
     
  11. Skipper

    Skipper Kommodore

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    It could indeed be an April Fool's Day joke.
     
  12. mcoffee

    mcoffee Son-of-a-Gun(ner)

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    Not April Fool's, but could have been

    About Us

    "We decided to launch The Rotherham Bugle after identifying a fundamental problem with other news based media covering the South Yorkshire area – they are restricted by a requirement that they stick to reporting on things that actually happened. And here’s the problem with that – what actually happened tends to be boring.

    And so from the very start, we made an editorial decision to give facts a back seat. Yes, you may find a grain of truth hidden away somewhere, but it’s more by accident than design. If you do find something that’s true, don’t judge us too harshly. Anyone can make mistakes.

    Our primary focus is on stuff that we’d have liked to happen, had a story taken a more interesting turn. They’re the sort of things that might occur to you in the bath, on the bog or while sitting in your car waiting for the sodding lights to change at Whiston Crossroads. Any similarity between the style and content of our stories and those featured in mainstream media, is purely intentional."

    Damn funny anyway
     
  13. Ken The Kanuck

    Ken The Kanuck Member

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    To be honest with you I have no idea if it is factual, but that fellow can write and spin a tail. Hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did.

    KTK
     
  14. Mussolini

    Mussolini Gaming Guru WW2|ORG Editor

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    Its pretty obvious that its 'fake' based on the language used and the actual story.

    I got a tattoo in memory of my dads passing. Only part of it hurt, closer to the bone/edge of my shoulder blade, but was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.
     
  15. Brian Smith

    Brian Smith Active Member

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    I'm waiting for someone to make the film. Interesting to see who gets casts in the main parts.
     

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