Why Urqh can be a pain in the ....The explanation from Urqh

I have been asked my many on here for a brief career history and what makes me..Me...So be it..
Urqhs world has been modelled by his past. This is my proud service history..One I'll take
no lessons from anyone on.

1976 I enlisted into the RAF, my outstanding abilities, and war game experience,
meant that I was selected as barrack block senior person, I excelled in this position,
even though the other childish members of the Flight, often attacked me,
both verbally and physically, often when I was asleep.
I would feel the thud of soap wrapped in a towel.

As an Urqh with broad shoulders and thick skin and brain and youth on my side,
this did not concern me, as the Corporal Drill Instructor rightly respected my Grandad,
dads and uncles experience.
I Obviously as you would expect passed off the parade square as Best Recruit. Into line Right
Turn,
watch yer dressing..Why cant
you all march in step with Urqh was a call I oft heared from the drill sergeant that day.

I arrived at RAF Cosford for my Telecoms course, Fulton Block...More a fortress than a home,
but with my background a bed was a bed..

I was soon singled out, moved to a single room for my own safety.
It appalled me that there were people who were cheating in the exams,
so it was my duty to report them. Fortunately they were removed from the course,
and this earned me the respect of the instructors and peers alike.

I was soon selected to be the goat handler, and it was due to my amazing organizational skill
that this honour was bestowed upon me, the other trainees thought this was a worthless chore,
but I endured their ww2 forum like juvenile drivel, because I realized their importance
in the application of Air Power.

I am proud to say that Hitler (the goat) was sharper and better turned out than the majority
of my fellow Trainees

1977 left Cosford and was selected for the Red Arrows at Scampton, My mother was so proud.
Realising my technical expertise I was the only one trusted to be left in the hanger alone
to polish all the aircraft, when the rest of the shift were at the bar.Which amazed me as my
trade was in fact Telegraphy at that time.

Obviously I was promoted on time in 1988, and found Telegraphic goat and airplane cleaning
to be the best course I have ever been on, But I was disgusted at the attitude and appearance
of many of my fellow squadron guys., I stayed in at night to study and prep my uniform,
they went to the pub.

1988 saw me posted to The Queens Flight where I found other people with the same standards
and outlook as me, although I only spent 4 years on The flight, it was my some of my
proudest moments and I still wear My TQF tie to Mess functions.

1991 to RAF Rudloe Manor as it closed on promotion to Sgt And still not any sign of a morse
key...
where I was employed in the QA section, I enjoyed this posting, going around all the section
on camp and trying to raise their standards to mine, In my time at Rudloe i raised the largest
number of charge sheets ever raised at an RAF airbase, I was proud to be doing my bit for
the application of airpower. The Gulf war came along and I was supposed to deploy with my goat
to Saudi but unfortunately due to a stress attack I was downgraded and not able to go,
the goat did recover from his stress attack I'm pleased tosay.
still I was able to do my bit for the War by impounding all tools kits before the lads deployed
as they were not signed out correctly thus preventing a serious warfare incident in an
operational theatre. not only did they almost let their Sqn down but also the whole of the
Coalition Forces.


1992 I was specially selected to run the Blanket stacking development team,
this fantastic system, has made everyone’s life in the RAF easier, and is a true projection
of air power. I asked to be removed from this job, after being punched in the face by a Wraf girl
who I reminded the top sheet should be exchanged for the bottom and the bottom handed in for
exchange and no exceptions even for my wife, who obviously did not embrace this new and
wonderful technology.

1994 I returned to my spiritual home, that of Trechards finest, RAF Lakenheath..a lonely posting
as I was the only RAF blue job amongst all those unfriendly yankee boys, I was employed in
the airman command school instructing American students on goat tethering. I was destined never
to see a morse key it seemed.
I am proud to say that my students had the highest failure and suicide rate.
This ensured that people only worthy of the rank of Cpl got through.

1996 promotion to Chief Technician...Goats..and a posting to Liverpool careers information
office, Instructing civilian cleaners into goat mess handling. Can you credit it one long in
the tooth civilian post man called me Chief, I explained to him that the rank was Chief Technician
and I would be addressed by that. My post was then picked up daily from Bejing after that,
and I am proud to say that only the best Chinese cooks got to read it,
Strangely, I had few friends at Liverpool Raf information centre
other than Norman who worked as a Civil Servant in stationary stores, well he was my friend
until he too took a restraining order out on me and I was not allowed within 500m of him.
and again I was punched in the face. I was horrified by his attitude.


2001 posted to RAF Police dog centre. When Op TELIC started I was getting ready to deploy,
when unfortunately a nasty cold made me unfit to fly for 3 months. The Officer in charge
then approached me and asked if I would like to move to the goat cell, Although his words
were something to the effect of " you complete c**t get the f**k off my Sqn and never darken
my door again" Obviously I reported him for this, and for the assault that took place shortly
after, and I was horrified to discover that he has recently been made a Sgt again.Around
this time I was surprised to read in the RAF news(which I subscribe to) that my Training entry
class had had a 20 year reunion, I never received my invite, and can only assume that the poor
quality postage system at the dog centre is to blame. I managed to charge 6 So called NCO
technicians on sqn, who were carrying illegal tools in the form of gerbers and leathermans,
as they prepared to embark to Iraq. My swift action in dealing with this potential loose
article hazard, in a combat zone, probably changed the course of the war, However OC Sqn
instead of applauding me for adhering to regulations IAW the RAP; arranged a posting to me
to the LEAN implementation team at High Wycombe; also he punched me in the face.

2002 at the LEAN implementation team I was instrumental in bringing into service, many
of the lean improvements that have made a massive improvements in the application of air power
at placed diverse as Lyneham, Wittering and Marham. These improvements have done much to
improve moral in the air force, however, strangely, the technical world are so resistant to
change that they are not embracing these vast improvements as they should. For example when
I visited the 'Pulse' line at Cottesmore I was surprised to be punched in the face when I
said this was all my idea.

2005 saw me posted to the Pavilions at Wyton, I would love a posting to Cosford to work
as a Modern Apprentice Co-Coordinator, as I feel I have a lot to offer in maintaining standards
in the modern RAF.However, under the terms of one of my restraining orders I am not allowed
to work with young people or women.

per Ardua Ad Astra

 

i Like this.....reminds me of the Applications of Airpower.....

 

I wrote that too. Although the Australian version was later amended to encompass air power without aircraft. That caused a stir or two I can tell you.

 

Urgh, I love your tongue in cheek synopsis of your RAF career. One serious question though and it may seem strange. Did you really have goat detail? I hate goats, never really had any interaction with them till I went through the MedLab (generally referred to as "Goat Lab") section of the Special Forces Medic Course. Now I really, really despise them. Damn things will just lean up against a fence and die on you for no reason.

 

My input to the UK/NATO/AUS/NZ Strategic Defence Review. Policy paper 7/99 para 2 is currently being considered by Intergovermental heads. I have had good reviews on my ideas on Unmanned air bases...The way forward...I'm expecting big things..

 

Usmc...The first thing you do when you join up in the RAF is sign for your mark 1 goat. P for the taking. Then you get haircut...Learn to type...And a rifle thrown in for good measure. If your unlucky you get to play with air thingys....

Seriously though...RAF mascots, station, sqn and unit usually tend to be goats. Its a RAF thing...I never had one. But I do have sheep now I'm a civvy and they die when you as much as look at em.

 

I found this particular individual to be very robust, sheep however could simply haul off and die for no apparent reason. Of course sheep have actual value in the real world to those who don't care to milk goats. I, or rather my wife took a gift goat from one of her "friends" back in the mid seventies, and it lasted until the early eighties. This was one of those Pygmy goats, and in spite of its diminutive size was still a "goat". The beast was about 18 inches at the shoulder, and certainly less than 30 inches from stem to stern. Being a male however, when it hit its second year it became rather "feisty" and one could NOT turn your back on him or he would take a charge at ya and hit right at knee level. After about the third time he did this to me, I knew/heard him charging and turned and hit him in the head with a stick.

This was exactly what the little bugger wanted, he dropped to his own knees, shook the snot off, and got up to do it again! This was the call to battle, and now he would do that to everybody who came into our yard. First I moved and penned him away from our yard, but since he really belonged to my oldest son, he wanted to play with the little beast, and would always allow him back into our yard. Or at least out of the area I had put him in. Being a goat "Billy" (real imagination there right?) would climb on anything that showed up, including my ’79 Chevy 4x4, my wife’s ’73 SS-350 Chevelle, and any car that appeared in our driveway.


This was becoming a problem, and I couldn’t in good conscience just kill the little bugger with my sons still around. When my wife and I had some other difficulties and she and the sons moved away from the farm/ranch in the early eighties the goat stayed. Pygmy goat tastes quite a bit like pronghorn antelope, and not too bad actually even though the amount of meat on one is about the same as a medium sized dog.

 

Great story Clint! It even had a happy ending.

 

The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok had an entire page specifically devoted to Goats.

One of the questions in the "All Goat Quiz" asked how many goats had been elected Prime Minister. One corner of the page had chew marks. Sounds like Your goat could have benefitited from this. Just one question, was the goat put on a charge if it misbehaved, like Patton's bull terrier Willie used to be. Legend has it that the bad smells Willie used to give off actually brought Third Army conferences to a halt, whilst the officers concerned recovered their 'dignity' outside the tent.

 

A good point Volga...What can I say but if you were to refer to a certain air officer commanding visit to RAF Kinloss 2 years ago. Nimrod aircraft were all lined up neately..I cleaned many the night before. One actually due to fly in formation display for him. We all lined up in our best blue uniforms..Bands played...Flags flew...Inspection...He entered the Nimrod..I followed with the squadron goat...The only time he has shown any disrepect. I cannot divulge...official secret act section 4a goats amendment paper refers...But the air officer commanding was not too pleased at 500 feet flypast with myself and goat aboard with him...Suffice to say the following strategic defence review had disbandment of Nimrod sqns and closure of RAF Kinloss...Its not a moment I or the goat are particularly proud of...Still its hastened the advent of UAV aircraft and some pilots and aircrew have written to me with their feelings on the matter and I got punched in the face by a senior officer or air rank...Win win then.

 

You mention that you were at RAF Cosford in the early days of your career. Was this not the place where (according to recently released secret government documents) a new form of biological warfare was tested on junior rankings serving at the base?

Administered in the form of a gas, "Doo Lally" gas was meant to render an enemy confused and disoriented. However, after extensive testing it was found that it severely affected the mental health stability of the test subjects.

Symptoms included delusions that all their actions would be readily accepted by their fellow recruits and a strange obsession to bond with the hooved variety of animal.

It was also noted that the effects of the gas were long term and could last a lifetime.

 

Good point John...I do remember at the first dental check up at Cosford I was the only recruit actually put to sleep. Although I had gained my reputation firstly at RAF Swinderby in basic training before trade training...I do remember being asked to march the invisible flight to the telecoms sqn building from Fulton Block whilst others marched ahead of me..I liked those invisible guys though...No talkback..Left left, left right left..Left left you had a good job but you left right left right left....Left left yer mother was right when she gave you to me ..left right left right left...And folk from station hq came out to look at my invisible flights progress round the camp each morning...Great bunch of lads..The dentist though was a nasty sort....He punched me in the face when I bit him. I did do a tour with the goat at the old cold testing centre once...Apparantly with my service respirator and being good at the old solitary thing I was a perfect subject in an empty room with gas type cure things...The goat was never included though so I cant speak for any effect on him.

 

I almost forgot my tour of Germany...Bruggen...Bird scaring duties...Placed at the end of the runway with Hitler...The goat....No birds anywhere. I then using my initiative marched Hitler to the wraf block. Plenty of birds there. None though went near the blocks while Hitler and I guarded. The station warrant officer commended me for my action that time. Best F.....g deterent to Warsaw Pact forces we have..Now F.... off back to the runway you sad git. Banter eh...He hit me too...Fog dispersal I'll talk of later..Its still a state secret...Goats speciality that one.

 

Included here is a picture of younger days..Goat on bird scaring duties...Brought out the whole sqn as we marched to end of runway.

 

You just dont know whos reading do you....Mod RAF Provost office has just rung me to advise me on posting. I never knew they had a mod on here from the RAF. Anyway they have authorised me to chat about my international days...USAF invite to Langley days..In fact they dared me to. Great rapport with the provost guys. Still a spiffing bunch of types what...Anyway my days with Americans...Or the staring at goats project...Still subject to joint UK/US eyes only. So any others please dont read any further...Early in the goats career he was contacted by American spec ops. And presently we were on a globemaster aircraft out of Brize heading to Virginia. We were greatly impressed to see the whole station at the end of Brize runway as the aircraft lifted into the sky...Mexican wave around the whole station it seemed...What a great bunch of guys and gals...To Langley...A room of painted men in green...All staring at me and Hitler...Thats the goat..Not THE Hitler...Apparantly they believed they could talk to him. Yanks and mind games eh...My colleagues in RAF did same to me...Lots of staring and no talking so I was used to it...The goat however was not...And didnt much like Americans it seems...International incident...questions by joiint chiefs to UK ambassador...And all leading to invasion of Grenada, some island in Atlantic, all because some Yank pfc said the goat told him something. Anyway provost on phone now..got to go..back in a bit..

 

Apparantly the RAF are not what we once were....RAF Provost Marshal has just informed me I am to stop forthwith discussing spec ops...Charming language from a serving officer. My Biography priced at ten pounds must apparantly omit any references to the RAF. My new A4 pamphlet on goats will now be repriced to 25 pence and will contain no images. All proceeds to help the goats. But one last thing on the yankee lads...Great bunch of folk...On leaving the USA I was surprised at the appearance of our allies, to escort me from US airspace...Great bunch of guys and great formation flying too...US UK be the best...

 

Dooh! (smack my forehead with my hand). Your mention of the whole staring at goats thing has caused a lightbulb to go off in my head. That explains sooo much. Me not being an expert on goats, I always thought that an apparently healthy goat would sometimes just lean up against a fence and die. When I was attending the Medlab portion of the SF medics course at Ft. Bragg, a local farmer supplied us with a number of goats as patients. Each pair of students was to be assigned a goat whose survival would determine the students continued enrollment in the course. Prior to assignment, we were, as a group responsible for the care and feeding of the goats. Every morning we would go out and find a goat or two that just laid down or leaned up against the fence and died. We thought it was just something peculiar about goats in general. Now I see that it was due to some Special Ops program that we were not aware of, there must have been someone staring at them! My partner and I hoped, because of this observed tendency of goats to just die for no obvious reason, to have a particularly large, mean goat that we had nicknamed as "Conan the Barbarian" assigned to us. BTW, we were successful, "Conan the Barbarian Goat" eventually became our assigned patient.

 

A great result of joint defence thinking...US/UK Phsyops works...I always knew that being at the start of the project would lead to big things...A great linkage Usmc. I would think that some spec ops guys were watching your every move and playing with you...I believe the range of the old goat stare is no more than 60m though. Which prevented any overseas missions for Yank spec ops in the field..I should point out...Hitler is still alive and well and lives at RAF Rudloe Manor...200 foot below ground. Hitler indeed is in his bunker. I have also been contacted by US DOD...was that at your beckoning? they too have now requested I no longer publish any bio information with the word USAF included..My pamphlet is now a 4 line cigarette card and will be priced at 10 pence.