A World War Two Joke

Not bad for your 1900th....

 

Hee Hee, these are good, I like the brains one.

 

Ok, going for some more jokes:

What is the Italian battle flag? A. A white cross on a white background.

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Sign You Have A Bad History Teacher:
He thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.

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Hitler and Stalin are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Hitler and Stalin?'
The barman says 'Yep, thats them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are u guys doing?'
And Hitler says, 'We're planning world war 3'
And the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
And Hitler says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Jews this time and one bicycle repairman.'
And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!!!'
So Hitler turns to Stalin and says, ' See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Jews!'

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Not a war joke but totally nasty:

American political joke. President Nixon
visited China and had official dinner with Zhou Eng Lai, the Chinese
Premier. On the dinner table, relaxed by mai tai, President Nixon
asked Zhou Eng Lai "How do you call 'bastard' in Chinese?"
Premier, also relaxed by a mai tai, replied, we call it "Tan'.
President Nixon went on and asked "How about two bastards?"
Zhou Eng Lai replied, "Tan Tan." Finally Mr. Nixon asked "How
about a whole bunch of bastards?" Premier Zhou Eng Lai smiled
and started to sing american national anthem "Tata Tan Tan Tan.
Tata Tan Tan Tan, Tatatatatata, Tatatata tatata ...."

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History records that when Churchill and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill told Stalin that he collected jokes people told about him.
Stalin said he collected people who told jokes about him.

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Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

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http://www.ahajokes.com/crt322.html

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Hitler ordered tanks to be made in Michigan and told the company to not worry about sending them to Germany, he'd 'pick them up on his way through Detroit.

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Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard
to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably
like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him
constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little
country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war
advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got
out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in
Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own
escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion
of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar
for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment
when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the
"Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The
U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a
wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the
last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his
back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat

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How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy der kitchen.

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How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

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A man enters a Dutch pharmacy and asks why all flags are at half-mast.
"Ist die Koenigin tot, oder so etwas?"
("What happened? Is the queen dead?")
The pharmacist replies that this is to the honour of the people who died in
World War II.
"Ja, aber bei uns sind auch viele getoetet worden."
("Many Germans died, too.")
"Ja, ich weiss, das feiern wir morgen."
("I know. We will celebrate this tomorrow.")

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One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic an found to find out
what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the
psychic replied, "Mein Fuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday."
Hitler was shocked! He said "Well which holiday is it?"
The psychic replied "Mein Fuhrer, the day that you die will
always be a Jewish Holiday."

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Why Hitler committed suicide? * Because he saw his gas bill

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We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

— Cockpit crew in the movie 'Airplane

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The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

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http://www.skygod.com/quotes/flyingjokes.html

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Why was the Polish Air Force wiped out so quickly at the beginning of WWII? Well,the story goes that the Polish pilots tried a mass surprise attack on the Luftwaffe. They decided to fly their planes inverted so that the Germans would mistake the Polish fighters for their own Stuka dive-bombers. The course of the war might have been a different one if the Polish pilots had remembered to strap themselves to the seats of their open cockpit planes..

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Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start
their new submarine.

http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/cat10_1.html

 

Excellent! Excellent!!

I read this one in FWvMellenthin's Panzer Battles:

Der Deutsche Blick (The German Glance/Look)
Invented in Africa. Called thus because it involved pointing your head at the sky in the same angle as your right arm for the Deutscher Gruß. Purpose: scanning the sky for British aircraft.

 

I heard that as Germany was getting reunited they were thinking about getting a new name.
Odd...Germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new name...
GERMANY

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Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?
It made him mean.

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After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany
should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.

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http://www.yuksrus.com/german.html

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On their wedding night, his wife awakes and catches a naked Goering waving his marshal’s baton around. “What are you doing?” she asks. “I’m promoting my underpants to overpants.”

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“How long will the war last?”. During the Great War, the answer was, “Till the officers have to eat the same food as the men”; during the Second World War, “Until Goering fits into Goebbels’s trousers.

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What do German air force officers eat for breakfast?
-- Luftwaffles!

 

I loved them, Kai! Keep them coming! I must be honest, my FAVOURITE was tan tan tan tan tan taaaaan!!!

 

- Two Gestapo-prisoners: A: Why are you here ? B: At May, 5, I said that Hess
was insane, what about you ? A: At May, 15, I said Hess wasn't insane.

- After Hess' flight, Churchill welcomes him saying: Oh, you are the insane
one! Hess: Oh no, I'm only the deputy.

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Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

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Murphy's Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

3. Friendly fire ain't.

4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

8. Incoming fire has the right of way.

9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

18a. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets. . .printed at different scales.

18b. All battles are fought uphill

18c. All battles are fought in the rain.

19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. Heinz Guderian

20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.

22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. George Patton

23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

24. Tracer works both ways.

25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. Attributed to Napoleon

27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. Karl von Clausewitz

28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.

29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. Douglas MacArthur

30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.

33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

34. Only numbers can annihilate. Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

35a. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.

35b. Always know how to get out of Dodge.

36. Your equipment was made by he lowest bidder.

37. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.

38. Always honor a threat.

39. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

40. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. Charles Edward Montague

41. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

42. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

43. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)

44. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander. Jerry Pournelle

45. All warfare is based on deception. Sun Tzu (The Art of War)

46. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. Otto von Bismark

47. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.

48. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

49. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

50. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

51. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

52. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

53. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.

54. When in doubt empty the magazine.

55. Snow is not neutral. Frunze Military Academy Maxim

56. The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.

57. Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be gained or held on the battlefield. General Walter Bedell Smith

58. War is the unfolding of miscalculations. Barbara Tuchman

59. Perfect is the enemy of good enough. Soviet Admiral Gorshkov

60. He who wants do defend everything defends nothing. Frederick the Great

61. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

62. Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.

63. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

64. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

65a. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.

65b. When that doesn't work, call for an air strike.

66a. Mine fields are not neutral. They attack both armies.

66b. The Claymore you set now points at you.

67a. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.

67b. The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater then the average grunt can throw it.

68a. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.

68b. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds.

68c. To ensure this, the mortar team carries extra pins.

69. There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.

70. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

71. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.

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Dr Goebbels is travelling on a tram in Berlin.He comes to the Herman Göring plaza and soon after that to the Adolf Hitler plaza. He asked the conductor to inform him when they arrive to the avenue named after him.It did not take long as the conductor came and told that they were at the Invalid avenue !

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A neutral press man in Africa: In El Mekel 136 Italian soldiers and 38 mules were captured. The mules gave persistent resistance..

 

You really have way too much free time on your hands!!

 

Andreas,

actually I am on vacation now, but I as well have a huge reserve of stuff on my computer´s memory on all the sites I have found. And a couple of books on jokes...

Aah still three weeks to go of my vacation!

 

Great! Still three more weeks for web sites and silly jokes!

 

Ok, im sure youve all heard this one, but for the sake of those you havent, he it goes,

A waist gunner in a B17 is shot doen, along with his crew. The waist gunenr is the only one that survives but he is injured severely. Naturally, the Gestapo picks him up, and they take him to jail. A week later, due to injuries he recieved in the crash, he gets his right arm amputated. Afterwards the gunner asks if they could drop his arm over his base in England with a note that tells his buddies that hes alright. The Gestapo agrees and that night they make due on their promise, a ME 410 circles his feild and drops his arm. 2 weeks later, the gunner gets his left leg amputated, again he asks if they can drop it on his home base. And again, they keep their promise.
A week after that, he has to get his left arm amputated, and again, he asks if they can drop it on his base. The gestapo reluctantly agrees. Finally 2 weeks later, he has to get his right leg amputated, he asks the same old question but this time the Gestapo officer says:

"Nein, vee can do dis no more!"

The gunner replies: "Why the hell not? You dropped the rest of them?"

Gestapo: "Vee Sink you are trying to escape!"

 

Ah ha ha ha, Great ones Kai, and CvM.

 

What is the height of confusion ?
Don't answer but stand up, click your heels together, extend your right hand in the NAZI-salute and shout "Shalom" instead of "Heil
Hitler!"

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Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

Least Credible Sentences:

1. The check is in the mail.

2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.

3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you

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Order to the infantry: "Bury your helmets! Did I say anything about taking them off?"

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Belgium's national motto:

Belgium: Gateway to France!

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

 

SOME FALSE FACTS ON STALINGRAD AND WW2
Conor Lynch

The German High Command credited the Army's swift advance through Russia to the Converse Hi-Tops worn by every soldier. They came to regret their decision by the Winter of 1942, however, when Converse fell out of Berlin style. The same held true for their anoraks from L.L. Bean.

When the German Sixth Army reached the outskirts of Stalingrad, it celebrated by shelling the city into a heap of smoky rubble. It also sponsored a talent show for the troops, won by a young lieutenant from the Luftwaffe, Alfred Werner, for his hilarious impersonation of Goebbels on a pair of rollerskates. Second prize was not awarded.

Out of all of the buildings in downtown Stalingrad (many of which still depended upon wood in their construction), not one was equipped with a smoke detector. This made firefighting a real chore. In September of 1942, the Politburo ordered the local Party committees to organize a Civilian Brigade, which would respond to conflagrations caused by the German bombers. If no water was available, the civilians were to throw themselves on the flames and try to douse them with their bodies. This proved more effective than the Politburo had anticipated.

German soldiers thought of themselves as fighting for the "Fatherland," while Russian soldiers found inspiration in the "Motherland." The Sudetens showed up to fight for the "Sudetenland" only to discover that they had been annexed by the Germans four years before. They subsequently fought for the "Fatherland." The Poles wanted to fight for "Poland," but the "Motherland" and "Fatherland" had divided up their state in 1939, subjecting the Poles to a visitation schedule established by the courts and having to always apologize for the "Motherland," who consistently forgets to pack their underwear when they spend the weekend with the "Fatherland" and his new hausfrau at their condo in Key Biscayne.

Obviously, Stalingrad was named for Josef Stalin, the leader of the Soviet Union. But what you might not know is that Stalingrad, literally translated, means "steel city." Hitler was furious with Stalin, and wanted nothing more than to seize his namesake metropolis as a testament to the German will. He became obsessed with this and other "steel cities," going so far as to plan an invasion of Pittsburgh for late 1943, just to spite the Soviet dictator. Fortunately, Hitler was talked out of this plan by his mistress, Eva Braun, who was from Wilkes-Barre.

Try this for "eerie" coincidence! Josef Stalin refused to let his soldiers and civilians in the city to surrender, sacrificing hundreds of thousands of lives. Adolf Hitler refused to let his soldiers who were trapped in the Russian Kesselschracht to surrender, sacrificing hundreds of thousands of lives. Stranger still, Stalin had a secretary named Hitler, and Hitler had a secretary named Stalin!

The Winters of 1941 and 1942 were two of the coldest in Russian history. Fortunately for the Red Army, the brutal frost slowed the decomposition of the slaughtered German soldiers, making propaganda photos taken after the battle easier to stage.

Eerie coincidence #2: Field Marshall Friedrich Paulus and General Vasily Chuikov both frequented the same prostitute in Stalingrad, a hare-lipped girl from Smolensk named June. After the war she wrote a book about her experiences, called My Two Papas, which would later be turned into a U.S. television series, starring Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser.

Eerie coincidence #3: My Two Dads also introduced a young actor named Giovanni Ribisi. He would go on to appear in Saving Private Ryan, a movie about special effects in World War II. The Battle of Stalingrad also took place in World War II.

Popular Songs during the Battle of Stalingrad: "Der Blitzkrieg ist fuer Scheisse" by Jerry Fritz and the Jerry Fritz Orchestra, "Radar Love (Stalingrad Mix)" by Dmitry K, "Der Komissar" by Falco.

 

The Germans developed the blitzkrieg for use on ww2.

Q:What military tactic did the French use in ww2?
A:The blitzflee

Kai-Petri thats excellent!

[ 31. October 2002, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: dasreich ]

 

Kai: those are definately the most idiotic but funniest things so far in this thread!!! I love them!

 

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being a short tempered lot...........They not only expect you to know your parking location, but also....how to get there without any assistance from them.
So, it was with some amusement that we, (United 747), listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and the pilot of a British Airways 747 (callsign "Speedbird 206"):
Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206, clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." (The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops).
Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didn't stop.
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USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN ARAB COUNTRIES:

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN
-Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH - HAST
-It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVARHMAN
-If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my couintry in public

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI
-Whatever you say.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
-The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

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RULES OF THE AIR
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than upthere wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collidedwith the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
15. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
16. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
17. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
18. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
19. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
20. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
21. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
22. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
23. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ag0.

 

VOICE MAIL AS YOU CALL THE US ARMY:

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

 

Hahaha! I loved them! I now like the air force and the US a bit more!