A World War Two Joke

different to what i have

 

I have read several versions in the last few hours, so basically, it didn't happen, if it did, no one knows what actually happened. Anyhow, my version is funnier

 

Like Bussche and so many other anti-nazi army conspirators, Kleist belongs to Potsdam's Infantry Regiment No.9. A regiment Bussche later characterizes as having had the distinction of producing more officers shot and hanged by the nazi regime than any other unit of the German Army....

Oopsss...

 

A really REALLY bad joke...

Q: What do the Japanese call a cute puppy?
A: A-tora-tora-tora-ble!

told you it was bad...

DUCE

 

After November 1933 the German Parliament was chosen by Hitler.The so-called members of the Parliament received a 800 mark per diem, and they had a free ticket for German Railways. All that they were required to do was to make an occasional trip to Berlin to hear Hitler speak and sing the national anthem or " Horst Wessel ".

The members of parliament were thus called "the world´s most expensive choir" by the German People...

( There were some 650 members in the Parliament )

 

http://www.holocaust-trc.org/holocaust_humor.htm

In the ghettoes, Hitler's "masterpiece" was referred to as Mein Krampf (My Cramp).

His theory of the Master Race was the butt of dozens of jokes. There are two kinds of Aryans, one went: non-Aryans and barb-Aryans.

One of the first actions of the new Nazi government was the creation of a "Law against treacherous attacks on the state and party and for the protection of the party uniform." As Hermann Goering reminded the Academy of German Law, telling a joke could be an act against the Führer and the state. Under this law, telling and listening to anti-Nazi jokes were acts of treason. Several people were even put on trial for naming dogs and horses "Adolf." Between 1933 and 1945, five thousand death sentences were handed down by the "People's Court" for treason, a large number of them for anti-Nazi humor.

A fatally wounded German soldier asked his chaplain to grant one final wish. "Place a picture of Hitler on one side of me, and a picture of Goering on the other side. That way I can die like Jesus, between two thieves."

"Today in Germany the proper form of grace is 'Thank God and Hitler.'"
"But suppose the Führer dies?" asked the boy.
"Then you just thank God."

Some of the best humor against the Nazis went right over their heads. Sigmund Freud was living in Vienna when the Germans marched into the city. They arrested him but then said he would be allowed to leave the country if he would sign a statement saying he had not been mistreated. Freud sat down and wrote the following note:

To Whom It May Concern:
I can heartily recommend the Gestapo to anyone.
Sigmund Freud

Besides the anti-Nazi jokes, there were even a few occasions for humor in dealing directly with the Nazis. Early in the Third Reich, Peter Lorre, who had become famous as the murderer in the movie M, was living in Vienna. Goebbels, not knowing that Lorre was Jewish, asked him to come to Germany. Lorre answered with a telegram: "There isn't room in Germany for two murderers like Hitler and me."

In Munich, cabaret performer Weiss Ferdl would bring out large photographs of Hitler, Goering, and other Nazi leaders, and then think out loud, "Now should I hang them, or line them up against the wall?"

Several cabaret comedians had a simple routine in which they walked onto the stage with a gag over their mouth, sat on a chair silent for several minutes, then stood up and walked off the stage. Then the master of ceremonies would say, "Ladies and gentlemen, now that the political part of our program is over, we come to the entertainment."

Even in Dachau, a play satirizing the Nazis was performed for six weeks in the summer of 1943. The lead character, Count Adolar, was a thinly disguised Hitler. The SS were seated at the front as "honored guests." Rudolf Kalmar, the writer of the play, survived the camp and became a popular actor in East Germany after the war.

Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans.
"Heil Hitler," shouted one child.
"Very good," said Goebbels.
"Deutschland über alles," another called out.
"Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?"
A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded.
"Our people shall live forever," the little boy said.
"Wonderful," exclaimed Goebbels. "What is your name, young man?"
"Israel Goldberg."

 

2/10th Australian battalion is exercising in Queensland when
Driver J. Ferguson comes out in the staff car bearing a message
from brigade. Battalion CO is wanted at headquarters. The CO hops
in the car and the following conversation ensues:
Ferguson: "This is it, sir."
CO: "This is what?"
Ferguson: "We'll be moving, sir."
CO: "Moving where?"
Ferguson: "New Guinea, sir."
CO: "How the hell do you know?"
Ferguson: "I got it from one of the cooks at division, sir."
CO: "Then it must be right."

 

Come now our Aussie cooks aren't that knowledgable!!!

 

Ciano's diplomacy: When the seasoned Italian diplomat Raffaele Guariglia left for his post as ambassador in Paris in November 1938, he inquired of his Foreign Minister Count Ciano, "What ought I try to accomplish in Paris?" "Nothing," replied Ciano. "That will be difficult," responded the ambassador, "but I will do my best." Anthony Eden visited Berlin, together with his Foreign Secretary John Simon, in March 1935. At one of the state dinners he sat near Hitler, and in their reminiscences discovered that they had been opposite each other on the Western Front in March 1918. This conversation was overheard by the French ambassador Francois-Poncet, who after the dinner came up to Eden: "It is true you were opposite Hitler?" Eden replied that it seemed so. "Et vous l'avez manque? Vous devriez etre fusille." [And you missed him? You ought to be shot.]

During the Disarmament Conference in 1932-33 there was a great deal of to-ing and fro-ing about distinguishing between "offensive" and "defensive" weapons. At one point the French delegate leaned over to the British Foreign Secretary, John Simon, and whispered, "Whether a weapon is offensive or defensive depends on which end of it you're looking at."

The same French delegate (the French seem to have a particular capacity for diplomatic wit?) remarked that the verb "To disarm" was grammatically defective: one could say "you will disarm," and "he will disarm," but somehow one could never say "we will disarm."

Ambassador von Stohrer, an old fashioned German conservative, was stationed in Franco's Spain in 1939. Some Nazi asked Stohrer, how he found "New Spain?" Stohrer replied, "when I find it, I'll let you know."

During an early UN session, an exasperated Senator Tom Connally of Texas, a congressional delegate, asked Soviet Foreign Minister Molotov: "Do you know how to say 'yes' in any language?" Molotov replied "no."

 

Göring doesn´t seem too sure about himself....

 

From Hasting´s Bomber Command

In the late 1941 Bomber Command was struggling to reduce the german munitions production-And so was Hitler....

 

Teheran 1943

Stalin was adamant that unless the Allies dealt forcefully with Germany, in fifteen or twenty years, the Germans would start another war. Only two conditions would prevent this: the execution of 50,000 to 100,000 German officers; and the Big Three's retaining control of certain strategic points around Germany. This suddenly bothered Churchill, who said that the liquidation of 50,000 German officers would sully his honor as well as the honor of his country. "I would rather be taken out into the garden here and now and be shot myself," Churchill declared.

Roosevelt tried to calm Churchill down by suggesting that only 49,000 be executed.

 

Well, whatever...

Hans Pünf: Florist of the Third Reich

http://www.schoolsalad.com/florist/page1.html

 

Satirical Comic Strips from Das Schwarze Korps


http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/korps.htm

 

The most hilarious moment in ROC history is rumoured to have been in 1944, when either the Dymchurch or Dungeness Post accidentally shot down a flying bomb, then passing directly overhead. Posts were equipped with hand-operated sirens and 'Snowflake' rockets to warn of air attack and flying bombs. The rocket, - launched a little late, - scored a direct hit on the fuse-pocket of the bomb, the explosion showering the stunned Observers with debris.

http://freespace.virgin.net/richard.wordsmith/roc/rochist.htm

 

http://www.indianahistory.org/pub/traces/dday.html

Four days before the invasion, Churchill came to SHAEF forward headquarters, outside Portsmouth, to beg a favor. He wanted to go along on the invasion, on HMS Belfast. Ike told him no. He said that while Churchill was worth five divisions to the Allies when he was at his job in London (Churchill liked that), he would be a liability on the Belfast. Suppose Belfast should get hit? If Churchill was not present, she would stay on line doing her duty. But if Churchill was on board, the captain would turn away and return to Portsmouth to protect the prime minister.

"Never!" Churchill replied. No commander of one of His Majesty's ships of the line would ever do such a thing.

Eisenhower said his decision stood.

Churchill got an idea. "You have the operational command of all forces," he admitted, "but you are not responsible administratively for the makeup of the crews," meaning Eisenhower could tell the British where and when to fight, but he could not control the composition of the units.

"Yes, that's right," Eisenhower admitted.

Churchill said, "Well, then I can sign on as a member of the crew of one of His Majesty's ships, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Eisenhower groaned as Churchill laughed and set off to join the Royal Navy, then in his capacity as defense minister to assign himself to the Belfast for the invasion.

Eisenhower turned to Smith ( chief of staff ). "Beetle," he said, "you have got to do something about this."

Smith got an idea. He called King George VI to explain the problem.

"Beetle," the king said, "You boys leave Winston to me."

The king called Churchill to say, "Well, as long as you feel that it is desirable to go along, I think it is my duty to go along with you."

Churchill gave up--and on D-Day made a stirring speech in the House of Commons.

 

The sad truth...

These saucy young gents are ready to take on, or over, the world in Hugo Boss' 1936 line of Nazi uniforms and accessories.

And more on the subject:

http://www.theawfultruth.com/salbmw/

 

I am still rolling around after reading the 'florist of the Third Reich', it is FANTASTIC!

 

http://www.maths.tcd.ie/~antares/lemmings/lemmings.html

Worlds Greatest Mistakes Nominations -Military:

Pearl Harbor, 1940. (USA) The mistakes leading to this attack were so many and so stupid that I cannot list them all here.How about this for an example? The USA at the time had no overall military intelligence agency. So the Army and Navy shared the intelligence gathering and interpretation jobs. How? They did alternete days. Whats so bad about that? - They didn't share their results with each other.

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http://www.military-quotes.com/funny%20quotes.htm

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."

Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930'




"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
-Russian military doctrine.



Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head

"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up"
- General George Patton, about reconnaissance troops

"I'd rather have a German Division in front of me than a French one behind."
- General George S. Patton

"Men are basically smart or dumb and lazy or ambitious. The dumb and ambitious ones are dangerous and I get rid of them. The dumb and lazy ones I give mundane duties. The smart ambitious ones I put on my staff. The smart and lazy ones I make my commanders."
- Attributed to Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, on how he selects officers for staff and command.

"The Pope! how many divisions has he got?"
- Stalin
In 1935, a French visitor asked Soviet leader Josef Stalin if he thought Pope Pius XI might prove to be an ally.

"Tell my son Josef that he will meet my divisions in eternity."
- Reply from the Pope when he heard the story years later.

"If we come to a minefield, our infantry attacks exactly as it were not there."
- Marshall Geogi Zhukov to General Eisenhower, 1945

 

Himmler joke

The Reichsfurher visited the camp near Christmas and so show how generous and humanitarian the Nazi Party was he said he would release three prisoners. The first was a Protestant and the SS Chief asked him, "What is the capital of France?". The prisoner said "Paris" and so to show Nazi generosity Himmler set him free. The second prisoner was a Roman Catholic, so Himmler asked him, "How many people live in Paris?" and the man replied "Five million", and Himmler set him free. The third prisoner was a Jew and Himmler looked at him and said, "Now you rotten Jew, write down for me all the names and all the addresses, and all the telephone numbers, of all these five million people in Paris and I will set you free."