Humor, the Best Medicine

a man with a taliking dog act finally gets intrviewed by a Broadway talent ascout.

Hey Dog, how's life in the fast lane nowadays?
Warf! warf!
Hey Dog, what is on top of all houses/
Warf! warf!
until the talent scout boots man and talking dog into the street.

The man kicksr he dog and yells: You ruined everything you stupid mutt!

And the dog,with a hurt look on his face replies in the clearest voice imaginable " Why? , did you want me to say something else?"....................

 

As you all know, a person from Al Quida believes that if he dies for Islam he will be met in Heaven with 70 virgins
Here is the list for acts of heroism for Islam

1. Injured for Islam: you get 30 virgins

2. Killed at least 2 Americans: 10 virgins

3.Make fun of Americans behind their back: one Vegas Show girl

4.Order 20 large pizzas to a American base and make them pay for it: a free T-shirt

 

Quite funny flash:
http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/05010702-09.swf

 

What would you do? :lol:

 

I would burst on laughter and when I recover from that, I would complement those guys for their idea.

 

Dont know how long it will remain there but.

go the google.co.uk

type in fuckwit

hit the 'Im feeling lucky' key

its mainly for the Brits amongst us.

 

Google jokes

Type "weapons of mass destruction" and hit search; click the first link that appears. Don't automatically click "previous" when you get the "this page cannot be displayed" screen; read it instead.

Type worst + president + ever, check out the first link.

 

That's fantastic! :lol: :lol:

 

Its still there - do you think number 10 is trying to say something.

very tempted to send an e-mail to Tony but i fear the filters the site must have may delete most if not all of the message.

:smok:

 

TOP 10 REASONS MOST MEN FAVOR GUNS OVER WOMEN.

10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

09 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE
ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

08 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM
SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

07 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP
ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

06 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN
OUT OF AMMO.

05 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE

04 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY ! EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

03 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE
ME LOOK FAT?"

02 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER
YOU USE IT.

AND, THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS FAVORED OVER A WOMAN...
01 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a tavern and sit down at the bar. The barkeep looks up and says, "Hey, what is this ... some kind of a joke?"

 

A couple from Minneapolis decided to fly to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel so the husband left a day earlier. When he checked into the hotel, he found there was a computer in the room so he emailed his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, in a suburb of Houston, a widow had just returned home from her late husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years and was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. On her return, the widow decided to check her email, expecting to receive messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first message, she fainted. Hearing the commotion, her son rushed into the room and found her on the floor. He then read the message on the computer screen:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived

Date: February 8, 2005

I know you're surprised to receive this from me - they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

Scots Humour

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

 

In the middle of foggy night in the NW Atlantic.....two lights are heading directly for one another... and on the radio a voice is heard saying "we suggest you alter course by 10 degrees". Back comes the reply "No!" Then the 1st voice says "this is the battleship leading the Atlantic battle fleet, you had better alter course by 10 degrees." Back comes the reply "this is the Hebrides lighthouse, but it's your call, Jimmy"

 

There was this agnostic insomniac with dyslexia who used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

An Englishman was visiting Glascow, but he had forgotten his watch. He stopped a passing local, and said:
"Excuse me Jimmy, could you tell me the time please?"
The local looked at him, and replied:
"How did ye ken ma name wus Jimmy?"
"I just guessed"
"Well, ye can guess the time then!"

This joke works better if you have actually been to Glascow...

 

Ricky: Re the above joke, have you ever heard Jasper Carrot's classic, Scottish "What's the time" story?

 

No - please tell!

 

RE:
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I've actually paraphrased that one to a couple of singularly clueless bosses:
I recognised each individual word as English but the way you've put them together made the sentence incomprehensible

But I still can't work why I had a company-wide reputation for being difficult

 

Then there was the Inverness man who bought his mother-in-law a chair but had to send it back. He had nowhere to plug it in.


It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’


A Slight Stirring
A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."