Some jokes and some funny pics...

Winston Churchill is at a dinner party, and someone comes round offering drinks. After Winston takes his usual whiskey, the person offers the man sitting next to Winston a drink, this man just so happens to be highly religious and against any form of alcohol whatsoever. At being offered a drink, he replies indignantly:

"I'd rather commit a gross act of sexual indecency that let any alcohol enter my body!"

Winston immediately puts down his whiskey and says:

"Oh, I didn't know we had the choice!"

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It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their
domain names.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to
the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com/

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New
South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com "

Oops...

 

Sad and weird:

And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts," newscaster Chris Hubbock announced one day in 1970, "in living color, you are about to see another first - an attempted suicide" - whereupon she pulled out a gun and shot herself in the head.

http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=6114

 

Hey can anyone tell me if the beret the "bugger" behind Sadam in the picture above belongs to a real unit?

 

JERRY: Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.

GEORGE: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.

JERRY: Vomiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Checkoslovakia.

GEORGE: Chamberlain, you could hold his head in the toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.

Seinfeld has to be one of the best shows of all time.

 

Big, I believe it's a complete fake… the model behind 'Sodom' seems to be a Russian porn star… So, I don't think the costume accurately portrays any uniform, either military or of the Boy Scouts.

 

Stalin's half-man, half-ape super-warriors

THE Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents.

Moscow archives show that in the mid-1920s Russia's top animal breeding scientist, Ilya Ivanov, was ordered to turn his skills from horse and animal work to the quest for a super-warrior.

According to Moscow newspapers, Stalin told the scientist: "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."

Mr Ivanov was highly regarded. He had established his reputation under the Tsar when in 1901 he established the world's first centre for the artificial insemination of racehorses.

Mr Ivanov's ideas were music to the ears of Soviet planners and in 1926 he was dispatched to West Africa with $200,000 to conduct his first experiment in impregnating chimpanzees.

Meanwhile, a centre for the experiments was set up in Georgia - Stalin's birthplace - for the apes to be raised.

Mr Ivanov's experiments, unsurprisingly from what we now know, were a total failure. He returned to the Soviet Union, only to see experiments in Georgia to use monkey sperm in human volunteers similarly fail.

For his expensive failure, he was sentenced to five years' jail, which was later commuted to five years' exile in the Central Asian republic of Kazakhstan in 1931. A year later he died, reportedly after falling sick while standing on a freezing railway platform.



http://news.scotsman.com/international.cfm?id=2434192005

 

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the Private Function Room at the Grill House.

There will be a Cash Bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Carols .. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's Memo intended to exclude our Jewish Employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas Tree or Christmas Carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim Holy Month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the Party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin Employees' beliefs; perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the Party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the Dessert Buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the Toilets.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the Restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!

Pauline

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this Party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** Salad Bar, including Organic Tomatoes. But you know Tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9 November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

John

 

(Heard on the radio - _really_)
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."

 

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit!'"

-----------

English test

Tenjewberrymuds: You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye ..Roon sirbees ..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?

G: "Crisp wil l be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You'e very welcome."

-----------

Humour from Russia (with love)...

* America is fighting two wars: one with terrorism and another with obesity. It’s double luck when it finds a fat terrorist.

* New TV show “Who want to be a millionaire”. Its host Vladimir Putin invites all Russian billionaires to participate.

* When Jesus wants to punish America he sends storms, tornados, fires and floods. When he wants to punish other nations he sends Americans.

* George Bush secretly visited Iraq. The level of secrecy was unprecedented. Only five persons knew about it. Laura Bush was informed an hour before the flight. George Bush wasn’t informed at all.

 

good stuff guys...

 

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.

After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by his bed rings...

"This is your doctor," said the serious voice. "We just got the results back from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life."

Ralph smiled: "And I've enjoyed every minute!"

The doctor's voice became even more serious: "Well you're not going to enjoy this; We've found you have an extremely nasty disease called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!"

"My gosh, doctor!" said Ralph, now quite worried. "What are you going to do?"

The doctor explained: "The first thing we're going to do is put you on a strict diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"How long will I have to be on that diet?"

"For the rest of your life."

"Will that cure me?" asked Ralph.

"Well no," said the doctor, "but, it's the only food we can get under the door."

--------

Oops...

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Secret NASA Files
(According to reliable sources this is a true story.)

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVE FILES RETAINED AT NASA. NOT TO BE RELEASED TO THE PRESS.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual COM traffic between him, the other Astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However through the years and upon checking the records, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many colleagues have questiones him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5th, 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a briefing, an official from the Space program brought up the 26-year-old question to Mr. Armstrong, he finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died early in April this year and so Armstrong felt that he could answer the question.

When he was a child, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which travelled approximately 500 meters and landed in front of his neighbours' bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky, it was Neil Armstrong who jumped over their fence and found the baseball, as he leaned down to pick the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Great joke. Pity:

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

 

Holy cow, I thought this was a family forum

 

Remember the old story about Stalin handing his successor Kruschev two letters?

The first letter says: blame all of your problems on the last rulers. If this doesn't work, read the second letter.

The second letter: Get two envelopes...

 

The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt

 

Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
-Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle.

Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in shit, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."

What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

Brezhnev asks the Pope
- Why do people believe in your paradise in heaven, but refuse to believe in the communist paradise?
- That's because we never show ours, says the Pope.

Brezhnev rebukes his speech-writer:
- I asked you for a 15 min speech, but you made it 1 hour.
- No, sir, it was written exactly for 15 min - you just read all four copies.

http://russia-in-us.com/Humor/politic.html

Early Soviet times
Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.

Midnight, Petrograd... A nigth watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who's coming? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "Protein: none, Sugar: none, Fats: none..." "You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Greetings to the International Revolution!"

-----------

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!"
"Shoot him!"
"Maybe we should shave off his moustache?"
"Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!".

-----------

Stalin told Beria, that he lost his smoking pipe, next day he found it and told Beria so.
-Damn, I've already arrested 25 people and everyone confessed.

----------

Brezhnev joke

"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery."
"Heart again?"
"No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."

To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how you can rule a country; Stalin showed how you should rule a country; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not every moron can rule a country.

http://www.zodanet.com/lollerpedia/index.php/Jokebook:Russian_Jokes

 

Hahahahaha, keep 'em coming!

- An East German went to the police station and said he wanted to file a complaint: "Two Swiss soldiers stole my Soviet watch!".

- "Comrade, that's impossible, you're mixed up. I'm sure what happened was two Soviet soldiers stole your Swiss watch"

- "Maybe, but those are your words, not mine!"

 

The horrible truth how Lenin and Stalin first met....Nobody liked their songs so they decided to conquer the world by other means??

 

Chess joke (!)

1972, in a gulag, people follow the Spassky-Fischer match through the radio, but one day a guard breaks it. So when a new
prisoner comes in, they ask him : "What happened in the world championship?" - "I lost".

 

Some great old jokes!:


This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”

We’re answering: “In a capitalist society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around.

-------

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist trade?”

We’re answering: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold. Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”

---------

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?”

We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”

--------
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word ‘communism’?”

We’re answering: “By means of fists.”

--------

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

-------------

During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. "What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?"

"West, comrade Stalin."

"Go and think, comrade Zhukov!"

As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, "What a pig!"

Stalin's secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin's office.

"Whom did you have in mind when you said 'What a pig?' Stalin asked.

"Of course, I meant Hitler," Zhukov said.

"Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?" Stalin said.

----------

http://www.johndclare.net/Russ12_Jokes.htm

 

HEAT GUN THAT WARNS: “DO NOT USE AS HAIRDRYER” WINS TOP PRIZE IN M-LAW’S NINTH ANNUAL WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST

http://www.mlaw.org/wwl/

A heat gun and paint remover that produces temperatures of 1,000 degrees and warns users, “Do not use this tool as a hair dryer” has been identified as the nation’s wackiest warning label in M-LAW’s annual Wacky Warning Label Contest.

OTHER WINNERS:


For those people who aren’t “the sharpest knife in the drawer.” The $250 second place award went to Jam Sardar of Grand Rapids, Michigan for a label on a kitchen knife that warns: “Never try to catch a falling knife.”

“Hurry up, bartender! I’m late for the regatta.” The $100 third place award goes to Alice Morgan of La Junta, Colorado who found a very wacky warning on a cocktail napkin. The napkin has a map of the waterways around Hilton Head, South Carolina printed on it along with this: “Caution: Not to be used for navigation.”

And don’t eat the yellow snow, either. Kirk Dunham of Seabrook, Texas gets an honorable mention for a warning label he found on a bottle of dried bobcat urine made to keep rodents and other pests away from garden plants. It says: “Not for human consumption.”

But will it get cold in the refrigerator? Another honorable mention goes to Lyne Anton of Elk, California who found the following warning label on a baking pan: “Ovenware will get hot when used in oven.”