Some jokes and some funny pics...

Duce: which chapter is that? Because I don't think I have watched it...

 

I honestly can't remember, but I'll try to find out which one it was for you Freidrich.

IL DUCE

 

25 Phrases Of Wisdom


If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a high price for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

------------

Fancies Of Flight

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...”

Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
Finally, one from my personal experience... On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."

-----------

Nautical Joke

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 - radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change YOUR course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

----------

 

Here is another good one, from a flight to Hong Kong last easter I happened to be on, the senior steward gave the standard warning about oxygen masks finishing it with 'if anyone is travelling with small children or anyone acting like a small child please fit your own mask before fitting theirs'. Another comment was along the lines of 'this is a no smoking flight but would anyone wishing to smoke please go out onto the left wing where a gentle breeze will ensure there is no discomfort to the other passengers.'

 

Ha ha ha Kai!
I think I'll be using the conversation between ship and lighthouse as my new e-mail signature

Thanks for the constant laughs!

IL DUCE

 

How many finns does it take to change a lightbulb? 5. 1 to hold the bulb, and 4 to drink vodka till the room starts spinning

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

A train is approaching the station when suddenly it leaves the track and zigzags through the meadow.
After a couple of minutes it returns to the station. The station manager asks the driver: "What
happened over there?". Driver: "There was a Pollock walking on the track". Station manager: "That's
strictly forbidden! I would have run over him!". "I tried to", said the driver, "But I had go all the way
into that meadow to get him".

Public service announcements from around the world:
,/b>
USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"

Simplified EU English


Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EU, the European Parliament
has commissioned a feasibility study on ways of improving efficiency in
communications.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult;
e.g.: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course,
be administered by a staff committee at top level from the participating nations.

In the first year the committee could suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard "c" could be
replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one
less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the
troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f". This would make words like
"fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage
the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e's" in the languag is disgrasful.
Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had
hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould
be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w". Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould
be dropd from words kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After
tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand
ech ozer. Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

 

Weird US laws II

In North Carolina, it is illegal to have sex with a drunken fish.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception — prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

http://www.eros-london.com/articles/2002-10-23/trivia1023/

In the US it's illegal:
In Illinois, to have a public erection. (the high schools must be empty with all the boys in jail)
In Minnesota, to have sex with a live fish. (dead is okay?)
In Detroit, to have sex in a car unless it's parked on your own property. (what fun would that be?)
In Nevada, for any member of the legislature to conduct official business in a penis costume. (unofficially, it's okay?)
In Wisconsin, to shoot off a gun when your partner has a orgasm. (YaHooo!)
In Pennsylvania, for toll booth collectors to have sex with truck drivers in the confines of the booth. (maybe that's why we can always run them late at night)
In Oklahoma, to masturbate while watching a couple having sex in the back seat of a car at the drive-in movie. The peeper would be jailed for 'molesting a vehicle'. (now, that's cold)
In Virginia, to masturbate while riding in a sidecar. (interesting concept)
In California, for cats or dogs to have sex without a permit. (do they tell you first?)
In Kingsville, Texas, for pigs to have sex at the airport. (remind me not to change planes there...ever)
In Florida, to have sex with a porcupine.

http://www.iomfats.org/message/board/posts/8631.html

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan
must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio
- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

http://www.sexscrolls.net/laws.html

Ohio
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

------------

Foreign stuff:

France
Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers.

http://www.lawguru.com/weird/

------

And back to the good ol´ USA

- It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.

- In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

- In Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. (A rusty hook is far more humane...)

- If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas.

- In 1659, Massachusetts made Christmas illegal.

- Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.

- It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana.

- Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns.

- In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. (As if being sprayed weren't enough of a deterrent.)

- In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday. (No wonder everyone is in a bad mood on Mondays.)

http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm/ahmr/ahmr0156.htm

 

Bin Laden, Saddam get votes in Finland elections

http://www.tricityherald.com/24hour/weird/story/811089p-5764077c.html

HELSINKI, Finland (March 17, 9:28 a.m. PST) - Saddam Hussein's time might be running out, but he can take small comfort that at least one Finn thought he should serve in the Nordic country's parliament.

The ballot for the Iraqi president was among 24,400 rejected votes, representing nearly 1 percent of the total votes cast in Sunday's national elections for the 200-seat parliament.

Some 70 percent of Finland's eligible 4.2 million voters cast their ballots in the election.

Other unusual vote winners included Osama bin Laden, who got a pair of votes, Cuban leader Fidel Castro with one vote, and the classic French character Obelix.

But in true Nordic fashion, it was Donald Duck, one banned by a Finnish city library for not wearing pants, who got the most votes, even more than Mickey Mouse.

"Donald got about a dozen votes. He always wins," said Heikki Liljeroos, second secretary of the Helsinki electorate committee.

Finnish voters cast their ballots at some 3,000 polling stations nationwide, writing the number of their preferred candidate inside a circle on a piece of paper, typically in pencil. The paper is folded over and stamped by an election official before dropped inside the ballot box.

All ballots are handcounted.

If a ballot is scribbled, empty, illegible or has an invalid number on it, it is automatically rejected.

In the last election in 1999, 28,800 ballots were rejected, representing 1.1 percent of all votes cast.

 

What's in a name? Adolf Hittler can tell you...

Monday September 28 10:30 AM EDT

BONN (Reuters) - Let's face it, if your surname happens to be Hittler and your parents christen you Adolf, life isn't going to be easy.

But a retired Austrian truck driver was quoted in a German newspaper on Sunday as saying he never changed his name out of respect for his mother and father.

"I often thought my life would have been a lot easier if I had had another name,'' 60-year-old Adolf Hittler told the Welt am Sonntag newspaper.

"No one ever believed that my name is Adolf Hittler. I get anonymous calls in the middle of the night from people who say 'Heil Hitler' or 'We have someone here for the gas chamber','' he said. "But I never changed it because I am proud of my parents.''

Hittler was attending a conference "for people with infamous names'' in Braunau, an Austrian town just across border from Germany and the birthplace of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

He said the name once cost him a construction job at a dam project in Austria. An engineer asked the workers what their names were.

"The first in line answered 'Tony Sailer', the same as the famous skier,'' Hittler said. "The next answered 'Andreas Hofer', the same name as the Austrian freedom fighter. The engineer was growing annoyed because he thought they were pulling his leg.

"And when he got to me I tried to warn him about my name, but when I said 'I'm Adolf Hittler' he threw us all out.''

Hittler said his son had adopted his wife's surname.

"I accepted that but it still hurt me a little bit,'' Hittler said.

http://www.geocities.com/mikey_wbt/yahoo_weird_stories/yahoo_weird_stories.html

 

This from the current newsletter of the Canadian Aircrew Association : -

Signs That You Are No Longer Young

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. You are proud of your lawn mower.
3. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
4. Your back goes out more than you do.
5. Your best friend is dating someone half their age - and isn't breaking any laws.
6. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
7. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
8. People call you at 9 pm and ask, 'Did I wake you ?'
9. You answer a question with, 'Because I said so !'
10. You wear black socks with sandals.

 

OK. Let's test Friedrich:

1. I indeed have a DEEP sleep... so, it happens sometimes.
2. What the heck is a lawn mower?
3. I can't live without any of them!
4. Not really...
5. Half of my best friend's age? That's 10...
6. No, I don't.
7. Well. My parties are very bohemian-like and very quiet...
8. Yes, they do. I sleep A LOT.
9. I do! Why? Because I said so!
10. No, I'd need to be an American to be that unclassy!

How was my average?

And YOU, Martin?

 

One thing Martin, its not just black socks, its black knee length socks with shorts, ths sign of a true OAP. That may be a very British thing though.

 

Thanx God it´s Friday ( and I´m off duty...)

So let´s start smiling guys!

POLLY WANTS A WHAT?!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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The Smelly Scapegoat

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dangit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dangit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!"

--------

Dog Sniffer

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody heck is going on?" The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"

--------

LABOR PAINS

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

 

George W Bush rude jokes gallery:

http://hot.ee/mastap/bush

 

Check the W Bush Gallery above and

Next the collection of international etc fraud letters...

http://www.scamorama.com/

Including the Scam-o-matic...Scam letter generator!

 

My favourite cartoons...

http://www.glasbergen.com/

 

I definately loved the Bush pictures!

 

Religion and sex...

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allaho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allaho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allaho Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allaho Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allaho Akbar!"
"Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allaho Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah.""Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

 

You have a strange sense of humour Kai....

I like it

 

Good one Kai, very good. Here is one I read in FHM the other day, apologies in advance to Bill and anyone else who may take offense:

Question: What is the difference between a British and Iraqi soldier?

Answer: Don't know? Welcome to the US Air Force!