Some jokes and some funny pics...

Yes, I do recall at one time in the Iraq war there probably was someone in the US Air force who was quite "fast on the trigger" if I have the term right.



[ 18. June 2003, 03:04 AM: Message edited by: Kai-Petri ]

 

That is a good one Stefan! I wonder how well the English public views the Air Force's lack of target "awareness". The US media kind of glosses over the Air Force's mess ups but the pilots could do alot better at not killing the good guys.

I am still waiting for them to find all the weapons of "mass destruction", that our government insists on finding.

 

Ta - just take a deeeeep breath and - hold it...

 

Martin,

How long did George W Bush hold his breath until he saw Saddam´s weapons of destruction...?

 

Wasn't thinking so much of Dubya - more like his mate Tone who's really on the ropes over this right now....

 

Actually a guy I know in the USAF claims the reason he is ground crew is because he knows the difference and so they wouldent make him aircrew

 

Check out: www.theonion.com

 

http://northblue.digitalrice.com/facts.html

odd facts to amaze your friends!
or not
the titanic was going 22 knots when it hit the iceberg
the bagpipe was first made from the liver of a sheep
a toothbrush within 6 feet of a toilet can get airborne bacteria from flushing
the first ford cars had dodge engines
nutmeg is poisonous when injected intravaneously
strawberries have more vitamin c than oranges
the largest mcdonald's is in oklahoma, crossing over i-44 in vinita
onions smell bc they soak in sulfur from the ground
american cars beep in the tone of f
the first police dept. was in paris 1667
a broken clock is always right twice a day
a war between zanzibar and england was over in 38 minutes when zanzibar surrendered
1 in 4 americans have appeared on tv
german chemists made a replica of a trophy the size of one molecule
donkeys kill more ppl annually than plane crashes
no piece of paper can b folded in half more than 7 times
more money is spent on gardening than any other hobby
oak trees don't make acorns until they r at least fifty years old
if a bowling pin tilts 7.5 degrees, it will fall
a boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the wright brother's first flight
there is nearly 1/4 pound salt for every gallon of water in seawater
venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise
jumbo jets use 4000 gallons of fuel to take off
the electric chair was invented by a dentist
the first owner of marlboro died of lung cancer
20 seconds worth of fuel remained on the apollo 11 when it landed on the moon
aglets r the plastic things on the end of shoelaces
most dust particles r made of dead skin
the 57 for heinz is the number of pickle varieties the company once had
apples r better at waking u up than coffee
a cat's urine will glo under a blacklight
a goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds
a dragonfly lives for 24 hours
a crocodile cannot stick its tongue out
a shark is the only fish that can blink w/ both eyes
banging ur head against a wall uses 150 calories per hour
almonds r a member of the peach family
american airlines saved $40000 by eliminating one olive from each salad in first class
an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
u r more likely to die from being hit by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider
dreamt is the only word in the english language ending with "mt"
elephants r the only animals who can't jump
england's speaker of the house is not allowed to speak
a stamp contains 1/10th of a calorie
yelling for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days produces enough sound energy to heat a cup of coffee
men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better
on a canadian 2 dollar bill, the flag is american
no word in the english language rhymes with month, orange, silver
peanuts are an ingredient of dynamite
the human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood thirty feet
when intoxicated, an ant will always fall on its right side
all polar bears are left handed
greece's national anthem has never been memorized
right handed ppl live, on average, 9 years longer than left handed ppl
rubber bands last longer when refrigerated
there r 293 ways to make change for one dollar
u cannot kill urself by holding ur breath
a regulation golfball has 336 dimples
tigers have striped skin and fur
the microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket
there r more chickens than ppl in the world
a dime has 118 ridges on the edge
cats have over 100 vocal sounds; dogs have about 10
our eyes are always the same from birth, but our ears and nose never stop growing
barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
february 1865 is the only month in recorded history to not have a full moon
montpelier, vermont is the only state capital without a mcdonald's
the cruise liner, queen elizabeth 2, moves 6 inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns
there are two credit cards for every person in the united states
leonardo da vinci invented the scissors
in the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
the highest point in pennsylvania is lower than colorado's lowest point
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
only one person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older
the most common name in the orld is mohammed
shelock holmes never said "elementary, my dear watson"
mel blanc (the voice of bugs bunny) was allergic to carrots
"i am." is the shortest complete sentence in the english language
the first bomb dropped by the allies on berlin in ww2 killed the only elephant in the berlin zoo
a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second
the average person falls asleep in 7 minutes
money isn't made from paper, it is made from cotton
no president of the united states has been an only child
the mona lisa has no eyebrows
snails breathe through their foot
the average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year
the 3 r's are Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic
a goldfish kept in the dark will turn white
a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes
babies are born without kneecaps
more people in china can speak english then americans can in the us
a catfish has over 27,000 taste buds
the average cost of raising a dog until its 11 years old: $6400
coca-cola was originally green
61,000 people are flying over america at any given time
10% of the russian government's income is thru the sale of vodka
100 people choke on ballpoint pens yearly
the international phone code for antarctica is 672
pigs cannot look into the sky above them
pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than most new cars
snails can sleep for 3 years
wearing headphones for 1 hour will increase the bacteria in your ear 700x
rats and horses can't vomit
'b' is the most common letter found at the beginning of city/town names
women blink nearly twice as much as men
cow's can't go downstairs
if you sneeze to hard, you can fracture a rib
you can rupture a blood vessel and die from suppressing a sneeze
your eyes would pop out if they were held open by force when you sneeze
coca cola is used by cops to wash away blood
a t-bone steak will disappear after about 2 days, if you put it in coca cola
the average horse secretes 9 gallons of saliva per day
when in deep thought, the human brain produces 14 watts of power
average humans can hold seven facts in their short term memory
the penis of ablue whale averages off to about 7 feet
1/5 of all goats live in india
horses and rabbits can't vomit
the average american spends 6 months of their life waiting at a red light
coca-cola was originally green
hong kong has more rolls royces per person than anywhere else in the world
state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: alaska
intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
the san francisco cable cars are the only mobile national monuments
half of all americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace
bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women
there are more collect calls on father's day than any other day
200,000,000 m&m's are sold each day in the us
grapes explode when you put them in the microwave
wine will spoil if exposed to light, hence tinted bottles
domestic cats hate lemons or other citrus scents
203 million dollars is spent on barbed wire each year in the us
if you put a raisin in a champagne bottle, it will rise and fall continuously
the letter j does not appear in the periodic table of elements
the # symbol is often referred to as a number sign or pound sign. its actual name is an octothorpe.
no war has ever been fought where both countries had a mcdonalds
over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people
the state of florida is bigger than england
the average reader can read 275 words per minute
35,000 people in the u.s. will die from the flu annually
nearly 50 percent of all bank robberies take place on fridays
women end up ingesting about half of the lipstick they apply
leonardo da vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other at the same time
about 845 languages are spoken in india
a moth has no stomach
scotland exports sand to saudi arabia
a person weighing 150 pounds on earth would weigh two tons on the sun
dogs that reside in cities live about three years longer than dogs that live in the country
a dog can't hear the lowest key on a piano
nose prints are the most reliable way to identify dogs
your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end
walt disney world generates about 56 tons of trash every day
the odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million
the typical penguin has just one orgasm a year
about 40,000 americans are injured by toilets every year
83 percent of people hit by lightning are men
surgeons who listen to music during operations perform better than those who don't
the average iceberg weighs 20 million tons
all the planets in our solar system could be placed inside the jupiter
there are about 1,750 o's in every can of spaghettio's
the earth experiences 50,000 earthquakes a year
hawaii is the only state that's never recorded a temperature below zero degrees fahrenheit
technically, the banana is a berry
a kangaroo can only jump if its tail is touching the ground

so now u know

 

To: All Employees
Subject: British Columbia Public Service.

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent the future of our Province.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be put into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Government. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment.

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Government.

The Premier wishes to assure the younger employees who remain in the public service that the Government will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any Government in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thank you for all your years of service with the Government of British Columbia

 

http://www.soviet-empire.com/ussr/library/images/humour/america_world.gif



[ 03. July 2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Kai-Petri ]

 

An Iraqi general summons Saddam's 48 body doubles to a safe house in Iraq.

"I have good news and I have bad news" he told the doubles. "The good news is, Saddam is alive!"

Everybody in the room gave a big cheer "Saddam!" "Saddam!" "Saddam!" "Saddam!"

The Iraqi General then turned to the doubles and said, "The bad news is, he's lost an arm."

 

In 1978 Leonid Brezhnev, leader of the Soviet Union, paid an official visit to the United States. At the end of his trip President Carter hosted a dinner in Brezhnev's honor in the White House. After the meal was finished and the guests had moved to the drawing room, President Carter led Brezhnev over to the official White House piano.

"Would you do us the honor," Carter asked, "of playing some folk songs from your native region in the Soviet Union?" Brezhnev agreed, and, as he sat down at the piano, could not help but notice a large, red button located at one end of the keyboard. Curious, he pressed it, and a cascade of water showered down from the ceiling, drenching him instantly. The American delegation, led by Carter, laughed themselves hoarse. Brezhnev said nothing, but returned to the Soviet Union and licked the SALT from his wounds.

A year later, President Carter travelled to the USSR for an official state visit. At the end of his trip, he was invited to the Kremlin for a dinner to be held in his honor. After the meal was finished, the official Kremlin piano was wheeled in by a half-track, and Brezhnev led President Carter over to it. "Would you do us the pleasure," he asked, "of playing for us some dixieland tunes from your native Georgia?" Carter agreed, and as he sat down at the piano, noticed a large red button had been hastily wired to the side of the piano. Curious, he pushed the button. Nothing happened. The Soviet delegation howled with laughter, rocked back and forth in their chairs and slapped each other on the backs in a huge display of mirth. President Carter was puzzled. "Is this supposed to funny?" he asked them. "Please tell me the meaning of this joke, so I can share it with my friends back in the United States." Brezhnev leaned forward, and fixed him with an amused gaze. "What United States?"

 

There is a story about Theodore Roosevelt defending to his cabinet the decision to support the Panamanian Revolution and his "taking of the canal."

He asked his cabinet whether he had made his point clear and Secretary of War Elihu Root responded "Yes, Mr. President, you showed us that you have been accused of seduction and proved that you were guilty of rape."

(not a direct quote)

Boutous Boutrous-Ghali, just returning from his summer break to preside at the opening of the new session of the UN General Assembly:

"Frankly, I get bored on vacation. It's much more fun to be at work here blocking reform, flying my black helicopters, imposing global taxes, and demoralizing my staff."

A Kissinger anecdote

When he was sworn in as Secretary of State, the someone from the media assembled for the "meet the press" conference noted that Kissinger was entitled to the title of doctor, given his Ph.D. So (s)he asked whether he preferred the appellation "Mr." Secretary or "Dr." Secretary. In his inimitable style, HAK apparently replied that he didn't really stand for formality and Excellency would be fine.

http://www2.h-net.msu.edu/~diplo/humor&dip.htm

 

Oh my God!The things that would have been lethal to Star Wars...

Sissy Spacek originally cast as Leia, but when Carrie Fisher refused to do the nude scenes in Carrie (1976), they swapped roles.


Jodie Foster was Lucas' second option for Princess Leia, Christopher Walken was second in line for Han Solo. Lucas also considered Nick Nolte for the role of Solo.


Burt Reynolds was originally cast as Han Solo, but he dropped out.

http://www.algonet.se/~famgreby/facts2anh.htm

 

A Swedish war joke on Norwegians...

There was a war between Sweden and Norway. The Swedish snipers killed Norwegian soldiers by calling out their names " Olof, Olof..." and once the soldier stood up *bang*!

So the Norwegians decided to try the same trick.

So the Norwegian sniper shouted a Swedish man name " Sven, Sven..." but in reply the Swedish soldier yelled " I´m here! Who´s calling ?" and the Norwegian soldier stood up " Me!" and again *bang*....

 

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador dog.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a few moments later with a cat!

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ..."

 

Nice one Kai, hows this:

Seen on the rear drums of a challenger Mk 2 in Iraq:

Left Drum : Hows my driving?

Right Drum: Who cares!

For those of you who aren't familiar with the 'hows my driving' stickers, they are often seen on the backs of trucks over here followed by a phone number, the idea is that if a truck driver behaves like a donkey then you ring the number and he gets a reprimand from their boss.

 

Russian wants to sell Hitler's 'penis'

A Russian man who claims to be in possession of Hitler's mummified penis is to put it up for sale.

Ivan Zudropov says he's prepared to allow a DNA test on it to confirm its origins.

Mr Zudropov claims his father, Vasiliy, was a Red Army soldier who saw action in Berlin and was one of the troops who was first into the Nazi's command bunker, where he found Hitler's body.

Mr Zudropov said the Russian soldiers had stripped the body of clothing, then kicked and punched it before hacking it up, and that his dad had decided to keep a piece as a souvenir.

He told the Express Gazeta daily: "My father wanted to take a souvenir from Hitler. He first wanted to cut off his head, but later he decided to cut off his penis."

He said he now wanted to sell the bizarre family heirloom for £12,000. He added that the mummified penis was just two-and-half-inches long.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_805215.html

 

http://madblast.com/funflash/swf/theUSA.swf