Some jokes and some funny pics...

Interesting pics from nazi era with Michael Jackson and many more..Führer and friends!

http://www.thedailybull.ca/fuhrer/

 

What is this post talking about?

 

</font>[/QUOTE]I'm afraid there is a small constructional flaw in the question, as Madonna DOES have one, exactly the same way as the pope. Better take Pocahontas instead.

 

Yes, all of them have one. But what is it?

 

Old WWII aircrew joke.

Q : What's the ideal crew for an aircraft ?

A : A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog ; the dog, to bite the pilot's hand if he touches anything....

 

Huh? This joke seems to apply to remote-controlled devices... I don't get it in this case?!

 

Let's try another one.


An old mess-room joke among Bomber pilots : -

Q : What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot ?
A : God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot...

 

A last name! Haha, a good one because everyone thinks you are immediatey taking about packages.

 

Sorry It's taken so long(almost 1 month) for me to answer such a simple question I haven;t had much time to use my computer Plus that dammned Blaster worm virus

Any way you just have to post 1000 times

Sixteen All-Time Biggest REAL Soldier Lies

1. "I put it in distribution."

2. "Your pay will be straight at the end of the month."

3. "I know I left it right here on the top of my desk."

4. "Of course I can read a map."

5. "It's on valid requisition."

6. "No Sir, I don't smoke dope!"

7. "He's in the motor pool."

8. "I have to go back to the rear."

9. "I don't give a d@!& if the General hears about this!"

10. "I need this for the old man right away!"

11. "I was here until midnight last night working on this!"

12. "I read the after action report."

13. "Sorry I'm late, but the Colonel called me just as I was about to leave."

14. "Give me your number and I'll call you back."

15. "This is a courtesy inspection."

16. "We're here to help you."

 

I know it's not that season yet, but I thought this was funny...

Try to sing that in one breath...

 

No-health news:

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

*lol* That's a very good one!

 

Doctor joke....

Brain doctor:

"Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in two parts...left and right.The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it."

 

Hey, this one´s great:

Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_106.htm

 

Or this one...

Pilots' Hell


http://www.im-c.com/pilots-hell.htm


Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back -- don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first, Mac peeked in an saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rand and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door.

He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendatns answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil, "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell..."

 

The problem with being a leader is that you can't be sure
if people are following you or chasing you.

Never question a wife's judgment, consider whom she married.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Not one shred of evidence supports
the notion that life is serious.

If you look like your passport picture,
you probably need the trip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t,
use the tape.

You'll never meet the "perfect" mate, settle for the one
whose faults you can most easily tolerate.

If you tell a lie, don't believe
it deceives only the other person.

When you make a mistake, apologies immediately.
Crow is best served while it's still warm.

If you wake up breathing, congratulations,
you have another chance.

Work is good but not as important as happiness or family.

Just because you have pain doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people cause happiness wherever
they go, others, whenever they go.

If you think you have no faults, that's one more.

Humility is a strange virtue, just when
you think you have it, you've lost it.

Success is relative, the more success, the more relatives.

Marriages are made in heaven
(so are thunder and lightning).

Ideas are like children, our own are the greatest.

Youth is a temporary condition
from which one usually recovers.

Opportunity knocks but once,
temptation leans on the doorbell.

To make a good speech, have a good beginning, a good
ending, and keep them as close together as possible.

Tact is the ability to close your
mouth before somebody else wants to.

Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

Education is what you get when you read the fine print.
Experience is what you get when you don't.

 

"South African Tourism" site: ( Got this from another site )

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometer - take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa?(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

Great Signs Everyone can understand

Signs:

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Science class answers by 16-year-old students ...
(Don't laugh too hard - one of them could be a leader
someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forgetwhere the sun
joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets
an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section."
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic
feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

 

Hehe..death - yep, that's a pretty serious disease ! And I love the terminal illness....